Romance / Above the Blue Twilight

Simply put, this is beautiful.  I almost wish I hadn’t used this word on ANY other poem, because this one makes me feel…well, incredible.  I can see the time and effort you put into this emotion packed poem.  

My favorite part:

Chase the wind, disrupt the tides
My lover, oh my soul
And to thy darkened bed abide
In part or by the whole

I only question this one part because Urbis tells us we should try to share our favorite, and not so favorite…I still LOVE this…but it’s meaning isn’t as clear to me…

Chance the night, oh fragrant wind
Beckon to its drowsy calling
For ‘tis there she rises high
And in the morn’s seen falling

The last line is less clear to me.  Perhaps, it’s just me though, as true poetry means something to each person.  I love this and can’t wait to see more of your work!

you are putting some real nice lines in your stanzas, but I do not understand most of them because it seems that you are groping and rambling a lot with metaphors. even some lines do not make sense.
Chase the wind, disrupt the tides
My lover, oh my soul        ????
And to thy darkened bed abide
In part or by the whole. ? Really, you could make something beautiful of your feelings of love if you just try and make some sense of it. Seems she got you up in space somewhere, maybe we should ask the Russsians while they are up there to get you back to earth.

• add/view comments (1)

January 05, 2008

by Raevnsong

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
21	80.0% (10 votes)	37.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
38	M	Pompano Beach, FL	May 03

Thank you for your review.  I would invite you to re-read the poem as a simili.

There are two characters relationally involved in this poem.  The Sun which represents the man…and the Moon, representing the woman…while kindred, each are from different worlds (day and night) and only mingle occasionally in the twilight and gloaming hours when night meets morning and day meets night.

The poem is meant to be less than obvious and intended to be deep and thought provoking…
  Really…if I you prefer everything spelled out for you, visit a Hallmark store.  I will remain with my head in the clouds.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Awesome I only could wish to write this well. I enjoyed the mood cast about by your verbage and the glimpse into the after life at the end excellent.

I love this. Structurally it works really well and I like the subject, too. I like the slight feeling of change in the fourth stanza. The only suggestion I have is to maybe add some more punctuation. Not much, just a little more to make the pauses easier to catch.
Anyway, this is very good.

Beautiful.  I think that urbis messed up the formating, which is a shame because that can be am powerful as the words.  I think you have a great vocabulary and the words you use are perfect for the mood you set.  There is something just awkward about the section “My lover, oh my soul and to thy darkend bed abide….”  it seems weak to me in comparison to the rest of the poem.

Moving otherwise!

(sorry about mis-spells I am having computer issues)

Love this work and I love your writing style with a bit of olde English in it. I would not change one thing. This is the best piece I have read on here and it should be in the regular poetry section not the childrens!

• add/view comments (1)

February 27, 2007

by Raevnsong

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
21	80.0% (10 votes)	37.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
38	M	Pompano Beach, FL	May 03

Hello.  Thank you for your uplifting encouragement.

I am not aware that this poem is in the children’s category.  It was submitted to poetry and to romance categories only to my knowledge.

Thanks though.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I LOVE this poem.  It’s written in such a beautiful manner, i can see and feel all of the emotions through your words, and it isn’t overplayed or overworded.  Marvelous.

Leave out all the twas and tis’s.  It really detracts from the simple beauty or your poetry.  I Love the imagery and am totally digging the rhythm.  Setting the poem to be a tributory (I know my spelling is atrocious)period piece really takes away from the poem.  
Honestly, your notes for the reviewer read as a poem in and of itself better than the actual poem submitted.  I’d work on making that a poem.  
“I started writing poetry when I first felt love for a woman.
Once my heart was broken,
I never stopped.”
Add a couple more lines (without thines, thees, tis and twas’s) and that would genuinely be a poem I would want to read over and over again!!!!!

• add/view comments (1)

April 29, 2007

by LadyMactans

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
339	83.3% (114 votes)	23.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	United States	August 15

I disagree. It’s very difficult to write in the style of a different period but I think this poem does it quite well. Without the ‘twas and tis’s it would not feel the same, they work with the style. Removing them would probably mean having to re-write the whole thing.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.