Poetry / Untitled

I am not a rhyme poetry fan, however I always take that into account when I review.  
I was looking for a consistent rhythm and rhyme and I have to say I didn’t see that.
In the second stanza, the rhythm through the line off, especially reading the second and third lines.  If you keep the syllables uniform the rhyme will sound better.

The rhymes aren’t very sophisticated, like in the third stanza, the rhymes are bad, sad, had, mad.  Nothing to really give description, cause a feeling of conflict, or give a richness to the poem.  

The title based on the writing should be “Open up and swallow Me” seems to be a good idea.

The idea of wanting the sky to swallow you is usually used when someone is extremely embarrassed and doesn’t seem to work here.

All in all, I didn’t enjoy this poem, and I think this poem needs more work.

The despair and distress Contained(sic) in this poem is an unrelenting scream.  While, as a literary piece, it begs for more clarity.
   What immediacy has provoked this outcry?  Why is all the contained emotion kept sealed? Rather than the sky being the sole ‘release’ for the writer, can another penning on blank page offer release?
   This is what your poem left me musing.  Blessings your way, Sarai

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February 06, 2007

by wcpaints

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It’s like wanting to just disappear.  All of her emotions have been kept inside and now she’s drowning in them.

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