Poetry / The Tijuana Donkey Show (Analysis)

That was incredibly confusing.
If it had been spaced appropriately, this poem probably would have made alot more sense.

Loved the last three lines, though.
Gratz on the pro writing.

god damn, i forgot how good you were…

she takes a 12 gauge to the pinata because she really likes her candy hard …what an awesome line.

such cadence, brutality, contradiction.

i love it, the way i love bukowski…guilty, dirty pleasure…

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April 27, 2008

by Drake_Lightle

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
39	M	Independence, MO	November 21

Thanks.

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I like this poem. I don’t mind the profanity, or the imagery you are evoking. I particularly like metaphors like, “she takes a 12 gauge to the pinata because she really likes her candy hard . this is a raw piece, and statements like that only help to drive your point home. I am curious though, why you chose to divide your “lines” between slashes instead of just using line breaks? My one real critique, is that I think this piece suffers because of that. You should try a version 2 with line breaks instead. You might find that your audience has an easier time reading it.

i like this it is very tongue in cheek im particularly fond of …she doesn’t fuck around, boy / she just fucks ..lol nice
nice depiction you really get a feeling for the air your trying to create here
i also love
/ tijuana isn’t any place for a lady, don’t you know / the street is no place for a man / and she’s no lady

First I’d like to say sorry I’ve been away =p School started bustin my ass so I couldn’t lurk here on urbis like I usually do =p

Moving on.

I liked this. It was very straight forward and seemed a bit bitter maybe. Yet i still liked the brutual truth of this. Good Job ^.

“she doesn’t fuck around, boy / she just fucks…”  Man, does that speak to addiction or what?  I think just about every word in here is in place and powerful… the form is unusual for me, heh, but I think it works here.  Intentional illusion through the lines on the page and the lines on the speaker’s back?  That’s fucking tight, lazer beam tight, and it burns just as hot…

The only thing I would suggest as a change would be to move, ” and she’s no lady.”  Coming at the end is ok, but there’s too much distance, I think, by seperating the lady references with the man.  Plus, I think, “the street is no place for a man” is the epicenter of this poem, the real place of power, so why not end with that?  Leave that as the idea ringing in the reader’s head.

Ok, I lied.  On another read through, I would also attempt a little seperation on, “unilluminated by the moon shine moon pie, you, her pie-eyed fool.”  There’s just a little too much to grasp all of that at once.  How bout something like, “unilluminated by the moon shine moon pie / you, her pie-eyed fool” because your slashes here work as line breaks, a time for the eye to rest and the brain to soak up the line.

Kick ass poem, Drake.  I think the metaphor really works, explaining how we both ride our addiction and, at the same time, our addiction rides us.

An interesting piece but personally, I liked it.
I liked the use of onomatopoeia in the line, ‘the crows are caw caw cawing at me’  and the strength of the lines, ‘she doesn’t fuck around, boy. She just fucks’ this really conveys her as a strong, intimidating character that gets what she wants and isn’t very composed. There is a poignant sadist element to this which is quite inviting, it’s very raw and true.
I’d like to say well done!

One critique that you may or may not take on board, the layout?
It was easy enough to read but quite harsh on the eyes and took a fair bit of concentration (not necessarily on the prose!) That’s all but that’s just me being picky but I thought it might help a little bit!

Thanks,
Ms. Wordsworth