Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Tom, Myspace, and the Government

I’m no conspiracy theorist. In fact, when my brother’s dog craps in my room I see it more as a compliment that my room is more spacious and comfortable than I do that she only does it to spite me. I also don’t believe in space aliens other than the song title by musician Dan Dyer. I don’t have a problem with domestic wiretapping as long as there are court orders that mandate such things be legal. If someone wants to sit in a van or an office and listen to my mediocre phone conversations all day long I might suggest that they ingest a hallucinogen beforehand, so that my dialogue becomes the slight bit interesting.

And then there was myspace.

I first signed up for myspace because I followed a link to someone’s profile and, as a result of wanting to view their “more pictures”, I was required to sign up. I had no idea what it was for the 6 or 7 months that followed. My profile was bare and I had coincidentally forgotten that I was even a part of the social network. I had a guy named Tom as a friend and was completely oblivious to the fact that this guy would become the world’s next revolutionary.

Time had passed and my profile was still bare when something, that I’m still unsure of, prompted me to fill out what I could on my page, so I did. About me, interests, favorite movies, books, blah blah blah.

More and more people started to get myspace, people that I hadn’t seen or heard from in a long time. I started getting friend requests, people started sending me messages, and I learned what a comment was. My fetus myspace mind began to grow and I became familiar with words and terms that I now interchange with what used to be the English language. I found codes to change my background, learned basic html, and in the end replaced a previous webpage that I had kept up for a while.

Little did I know that this network would encourage nosey-ness or that things would sometimes be taken out of context. I was unaware that private lives could easily become public, or that it had the power to expose and magnify the roots of jealousy because of it. I quickly found that disagreements and arguments stemmed from something that I had yet to even acknowledge, for the simple fact that I had not yet logged in to my site. I found myself having to explain context more and more, and toning down my sarcastic, sometimes difficult to follow humor so as to not offend anyone.

And then it was gone. I got to a point where I was tired of all the unnecessary bull that it caused so I shut her down. No more myspace. I deleted my profile…..for the next 5 hours.

I don’t know if we can call it addiction, but during those five hours it seemed like the internet had no purpose, like there was nothing to do or look up. I would have had to find another avenue to write blogs and I didn’t want that. Little did I know that the government was behind it all.

You see, what Tom doesn’t tell you is that your “profile” contains vital information about you: your age, where you live, it has pictures that identify you, there are places to include your hobbies, favorites, and even a place that profiles your height, religion, and horoscope sign. And it’s all sent to Tom, otherwise known as the U.S. Secretary of Domestic Reconnaissance American Moments of Affairs, or Secretary of D.R.A.M.A. as it is most notably referred to.

The government has used Tom and myspace to gather information on the millions of users that have registered to this social network. The following are examples of government/myspace crackdowns:

Girls Charged With Conspiring to Kill Classmates, Oprah
AAA workers fired over Myspace messages
Reporter Fired Because of Explicit Myspace Site
Court Office Fired Over Myspace Use
Local Sheriff’s Deputy Fired Over Myspace Profile

Needless to say, that is only a few of among thousands of myspace interventions. As a fine conclusion to my theory, that holds no obvious weight, I’m here to suggest that myspace is an avenue for the government to crack down on thieves and criminals, albeit through a fun and organized way. Tom is an undercover agent and in no way cares about your background not working nor whether or not you repost bulletins for him, because there are fake Tom’s, undercover Tom’s, if you will. The bulletins that suggest you repost them within 5 minutes or your mom will die? That’s the government’s way of bringing families closer together, to strengthen the core of America. When myspace is running slow or you get an error? Those are when myspace raids are in full effect. What do you think happens when you report an explicit profile or picture? A search warrant is produced, in seconds, and bomb squads are summoned.

I don’t want to say it’s genius, because there is a shirt that says “myspace ruined my relationship”, but I will say that I was duped. I was duped alright, and I couldn’t stay away. So now, that the truth is exposed and my name is associated with this blog, I probably won’t be seeing you again. Tom and government officials are probably on their way to my house right now. So I must be saying goodbye. Be careful what you put on your page and just remember the great memories of me as a free man.

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