It’s easy that this is a first draft. I know you got a lot on your mind with the racing and the other stuff going on in your life. I’m just glad you found the time to deliver this little ditty. The splatterpunks got nothing on the racing girl. I wouldn’t add a thing to the story. Just polish off the warts that workingprince has spotlighted, and you’re good to go. See ya back at MySpace.
Novel Treatments / untitled for now
Since I have started dating Wes, I have had to deal with all of his friends and with his crazy ex-girlfriend, Roxanne. She stalks us wherever we go and she even has the nerve to say stuff about me behind my back. Between her and Wes’s friends playing the he said, she said game, I don’t know what to do. I just know that I have had enough of her. Wes and I went out to lunch the other day and she had the nerves to call his cell phone and wanted to talk to me.
She told me that I could have him and that she was going to fight me over him. I told her that he didn’t want her and that she needed to leave us alone. Then I hung up the phone on her. The girl is totally stupid!
Tonight is the big birthday field party for Wes’s two friends that I don’t know. I do know that they say Roxanne is going to be out there. I know that I am tired of everyone filling my ears with their bullshit lies as if she’d said them. It really doesn’t matter what she said or what she didn’t say. I had started drinking Jose Cuervo like it was going out of style before we pulled up to the party. I tucked it into the back of my jeans just in case I needed a weapon. It was my soul purpose to get her to leave me and Wes alone.
Roxanne, Jake, and probably Lydia rode to the store as we pulled up. I got out and stared as she pulled out of the field. I’m not a fighter but I’m overly tired of being pushed around and given shit to. Once Roxanne and her two friends returned, everyone rushed to me. ”So are you going to beat her up?” I looked at Wes and I knew what I had to do. They had to point her out to me and before I knew it, I was in her face. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say or how I was going to say it but it didn’t matter because my co-pilot, Jose, was working overtime. I got in Roxanne’s face, poked her in the chest with my freshly manicured artificial nails and backed her up to the truck that was two steps behind her.
“I heard you got a problem with me.” I yelled at the short, fat girl.
“Bitch, I don’t even know you,” she replied as nastily as I had started.
“Good because you don’t wanna know me.”
They say that I put my hand on her face and pushed her back but I don’t remember, Jose must have done that. Good ole Jose! I walked away toward Wes and I must have heard the girl, “Bitch, I know you just didn’t.” But I know I heard Wes say that I better not turn my back on her. So I walked back over to her and I can’t remember what was said but I snatched her necklace with her class ring on it and ripped it from around her neck then threw it on the ground. Roxanne still didn’t do anything except she did look like she was about to cry. I returned to Wes and Roxanne seemed to disappear to her Jeep. We all walked toward her Jeep where I stood in front of Wes and yelled at her to get her ass out of the Jeep which she didn’t. So I kept calling her a crybaby pussy and she never stepped up. After she left, I stepped up to Jake’s face because I didn’t like him either. I called him names which I now choose not to repeat.
I walked back to Wes and told him that I had a wonderful birthday. I told him that we had to walk because I wasn’t feeling good so we didn’t go very far before I fell down on the driver’s side of Wes’s truck. We started talking and wouldn’t you know it. His cell phone rang! It was his mother calling about Roxanne’s ring. She had went over to Wes’s mom’s house crying about her class ring. A few minutes later, Lydia walked over and asked if she could use Wes’s cell phone to call Roxanne. She walked off and when she came back, Jose took over AGAIN. I told her to get her own cell phone, “I got a cell phone but it doesn’t pick up out here.” Then I responded with “Then get one that does.” She pouted and walked over to the fire where she told someone what I had told her.
{GAP}
Once I got the unconscious girl back to the abandoned house, I tied her to a chair and waited for her to gain consciousness. With gloves on, I got all of my tools ready to inflict pain on the captive girl. I turned around and saw Roxanne’s eyes wide open.
“The little angel is awake,” I spoke sarcastically as I walked over to the chair that Roxanne was tied to.
I ripped the duct tape that was covering the younger girl’s mouth. Roxanne started swearing to kill me and I just laughed at her which was only fuel for Roxanne’s fire. I turned toward the tied-up girl and spoke, “If I were in your position, I wouldn’t be spouting off threats. I’d be begging for my life.”
I had a pair of pruning shears in my hands as I slowly started toward Roxanne. I had tied Roxanne with her hands behind her back and her fingers free.
“What are you doing, you crazy bitch?” Roxanne retorted.
“I warned you and I gave you a chance to leave us alone. You couldn’t get it through your sick head that Wes loves me and not you. So you’re going to disappear.”
“You won’t get away with this. Someone will find out and you’ll go to prison.”
“That’s a chance I’ll take but I hate to inform you that you’re not the first person I’ve killed. Are you ready to scream?” I finished as I walked behind Roxanne.
“What are you doing? What are you doing?” Roxanne squealed like a pig.
I got on my knees and pulled Roxanne’s fore finger then clipped it off. Roxanne howled in pain as I grabbed another finger. I threw Roxanne’s middle finger into her lap as she seemed to scream louder after four fingers were clipped off, I went over to my table to get a soldering iron to burn the fingerless wounds so they wouldn’t bleed anymore. Roxanne had screamed so much and so hard that her throat was numb. I enjoyed this experiment and had to decide on what was next. I replaced the iron on the table and went to my little refrigerator where I found a syringe, a needle, and a vial of Demerol. Upon entry of the needle to Roxanne’s skin, she was begging for mercy. She was pleading with what was left of her voice for me to let her go but I couldn’t hear her. I had zoned out, if she wasn’t screaming then I wasn’t concerned with Roxanne’s idle chatter. After a few minutes, Roxanne was unconscious once again so I went into the adjacent room and made sure that the dissection table was clean and cleared off. I walked back to wheel Roxanne’s chair into the dissection room then used the electric winch to get the slightly big girl onto the table. Before I pulled the little table towards me with my tools for the day, I used the remote control to turn on her CD player. While I was listening to Disturbed, I started sewing Roxanne’s eyelids shut. With every stitch, the rage that Roxanne had incurred slowly started to vanish. This exercise gave me peace where anger once congregated. After the eyelids were neatly stitched together, I put an antibiotic on the stitches so they could heal properly.
I used the electric winch to get the girl off of the dissection table because I had other plans for her. Roxanne’s unconscious body was back in the chair as I wheeled her through two rooms then I stopped. I pulled open a door that was on the floor and pushed Roxanne out of her chair. With a loud thud, she hit the bottom of a hidden underground room.
I cleaned up the two rooms then I took Roxanne’s fingers and put them in a small plastic bag. I laid my plastic apron on the counter then took my gloves off. I turned off the CD player as I put all of my evidence in a trash bag and headed to the dump with a load of trash.
Later on that night, I returned to find poor Roxanne in pain. When I opened the door to the hidden room, Roxanne was crying.
“What have you done to me?”
I started to laugh as I turned on the lights in the room. I could smell Roxanne’s waste and could see by her clothes that she was sweating. The stench reminded me why I didn’t keep captives. I just wanted to keep Roxanne alive and in pain for as long as she had aggravated me and had filled me with rage. I went to the tool closet and looked at each and every one of my tools. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to use the well sharpened chainsaw or the newly purchased sledgehammer. After several minutes of contemplating my options, I chose the chainsaw and before I pulled it out of the closet, I picked up my gloves and a pair of ear plugs.
The next thing Roxanne knew, she heard a chainsaw crank up and she commenced to screaming. I waltzed down the steps with the chainsaw idling in my hands then I saw Roxanne trying to decide if she wanted to run around or cower in the corner but as she heard the roaring of the chainsaw motor, she decided to run from the racket. I revved up the chainsaw and walked toward Roxanne who had gotten herself trapped in the corner. I laughed but wasn’t heard over the noise of the chainsaw. I reached out with the piece of machinery which seemed to be an extra appendage of my body. The chain appeared to have caught Roxanne’s left arm and her whole body shook as the chain and the guide bar cut through Roxanne’s flesh and bone. I laughed harder as blood spewed out of her shoulder and as Roxanne’s arm fell to the ground. Right then she fell down to the floor as a sign of surrender; however, I was getting a huge thrill out of her pain. Since Roxanne knew she was going to die, I quickly finished cutting up her body with the chainsaw. Then I disposed of the big chunks in a wood chipper.
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dc0r reviewed Version 1 -
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I gave you a 8/10, only because although I recognize there are various forms of writing, I do hold the opinion that something to this effect would be better told in the third person perspective, but opinion aside, I’ll get into the stuff you pay the credits for.
Mechanically this is almost perfect. As far as I could tell as I read through it, there was no major problems with your spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so good job with that.
I think that you have struck a good balance between dialogue and detail, and are able to capture the main characters psychotic rage without having to resort to purely dialogue to reach that point. The reader gets a clear picture of the main character right from the get go, so good job there.
The main character is original, and in my opinion not “cliche”. I realize things like this have been written in the past, but I still think you do a good job of developing both the main character and the sense of fear that “Roxanne” is feeling, I know I would be scared in that situation.
The ending is pretty sadistic, but as with most murders they aren’t pretty. You kept it realistic and it was captivating in that sense, that something like that actually happens, although reading it I got a chuckle at the wood chipper part. Reminds me of the movie Fargo (I’m from Minnesota, so I hear the jokes all the time as well). Anyway, overall wrap up, you did a good job and executed the first person very well. Keep up the good work!
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fred_kane reviewed Version 1 -
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LOL. I’ll give the finished piece an easy ten. Girl, you make the splatterpunks look like a bunch of weak sissies. I really, I mean, REALLY enjoyed this one!
sleeplate20 reviewed Version 1 -
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This 451 word review has not been unlocked.
WorkingPrince reviewed Version 1 -
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had the nerves.. Nerves written twice in the same paragraph, I’d change it up a little. Gall?
given shit to. .. too
nything except she did look like… I think a comma is needed in here
His cell phone rang!... Little exclamation happy. Editors really like t keep those to a minimum.
{GAP}.. I think the gap signifies memory loss which I like.
Roxanne had screamed so much.. Holy crap I didn’t see all of this… The pov shift is a little distracting. Maybe she went horse would be better.
Well When it first started it reminded me of life in my early 20’s. Glad that’s over and I was thinking this isn’t my kind of story. But boy did you fool me. Good work. You need to work on that fist paragraph. It needs a better hook to get the reader.
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