exaggerated warrior pose
the child is holding its arms threateningly?
I thought it sounded original, but you’re right, I’m not sure how the kid was standing at all!
Novel Treatments / Fruit 3
As the afternoon got later, trucks and utility vehicles began moving away from the twon towards the outer roadways. They moved slowly and in small irregular convoys. From the bottom of a pylon, Tive and Miko sat against the wall and ate fruit buscuits from a crumpled carrier bag and watched the shiney black metal crawl by. In the distance a vast section of grey reflected the low sunlight.
‘Time to come in now you two’ Cole stepped into the open doorway and looked down at the boys sitting beside it.
‘Both of you, now please’
‘But dad, can’t we just watch till they’ve all gone’
Some of vehicles carried enormous cranes.
‘No, now please’
Cole briefly placed a tender hand on the boys head as he edged into the doorway craning round to get a last look.
The hose was warm from a day of sunshine, Joanie and Bo sat beside each other on a low sofa.
‘Guess what we’ve got?’ Said Bo to the boys.
Tive walked over to where Joanie was sitting, and slumped into her lap, burying his head in the fords of her long t-shirt.
‘I don’t want to come in, it’s not fair’
‘Tive, Bo is talking to you’
‘But why? Why do we have to come in’ he said, head emerging from her lap briefly enough to scowl at Cole.
‘Look what Miko’s got’
Miko sat on the floor in front of the ancient looking box that Bo had passed to him. It was made out of cardboard. Three of the four edges were torn right up to the corners, and there was a bit of something brown and nameless colouring the side which was still intact. Miko lifted the lid and pulled out a folded plastic sheet. Jessie, who was sitting on the floor between Bo’s legs crawled a few feet across the fake wooden floor to where Miko was and pulled herself up on her heels opposite him and began to poke at the old box.
‘We could fix this’ she said.
Tive slithered off Joanies lap and onto the floor. ‘boooring’
‘You don’t even know what it is’ Said Jessie
Joanie persuaded the kids to go and find out what was in the box. After Jessie had decided she was going to carry it, they wandered off into Tives area.
Joanie got up from the sofa and picked up the carrier bag which lay on the floor and walked over to the kitchen sideboard and put it down again. Later on she would take the remaining biscuits out of the bag, shake out the crumbs, wipe the inside of the bag with a cloth, fold it and put it back in the drawer. For now though she was just going to find a bottle opener and some glasses.
In the distance sirens could be heard. Closer the muffled urgent voice of a seven year old girl was explaining loudly to two frustrated 8 year old boys.
It had happened before, lots of times. New people always set up camp near existing settlements, they never actually approached a camp properly, asked to join or even for help. They just seemed to pitch up. Just like that.
Cole pulled the cork out of the bottle in one movement and placed the corkscrew down beside him with the cork still impaled on it and poured a dark grainy looking wine into four glasses, draining the bottle.
He then picked up the bottle again “Blackberry and elderflower” said the label in Joanies neat handwriting. He looked at it for a moment or two.
‘Well, I’ll go up there and talk to them, they cut the water pipe. They don’t look like they’ve been up there long, a few days maybe, the ground doesn’t look disturbed, they’ve only got a small panel and it looks like there is a whole load of stuff wrapped up in crates’
Cole looked at the women.
‘Not tonight though….’
An excited chattering fell out of the heavy curtain which served as a door to Tives area. ‘We’ve worked it out mum, this is what you have to do right’ said Miko dragging the plastic sheet behind him ‘what you do is…youre standing on it Jessie big Jessie…get off’
A pink tongue shot out of a curly edged face at Miko who yanked at the plastic.
‘Muuuum……..I want to tell them’
‘Show them the spinning thing’ said Miko to Tive.
Tive held up the square of cardboard which looked like a clock face with one hand.
In each corner was a foot and a hand. ‘You have to go first Joanie’
Miko and Jessie, crooked limbed, laid the plastic sheet out on the floor.
‘when we spin this, whatever colour it stops is where you have to put your hand or your foot…show them Tive….if its that corner its foot …that corner its hand and that one is foot and that one is hand’
Joanie put her glass down, kicked off her flip flops and stood by the mat in an exadurated warrior pose.
‘Ready….Go’
Tive spun the clock hand.
‘Put your left foot on green’
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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tstone reviewed Version 1 -
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”..on the boy(‘)s head..”
“The hose was warm..” – ‘house’?
”..off Joanie(‘)s lap..” (a lot of missed apostrophes, actually.)
overall, fairly well-written (just fix punctuation probs.) not really sure what’s going on though. sounds like some cats have found a game of twister? this might work as a set-up, but needs to get going pretty soon to hold interest. you might have something here, though… hard to say at this point. give us some action!
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BrianA reviewed Version 1 -
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I haven’t read other sections so I will just comment on this piece. I also assume you are aware of spelling errors.
The descriptions were natural and the pace easy and laconic, and seems to suit this afternoon in repose with adults and kids playing. Very natural. The dialogue was good and appropriate. Only a couple of points:
`In the distance …low sunlight.’ Wasn’t sure if this was decription of low sky, or physical structure – may require me to know story better to understand.
`Some of vehicles …cranes.’ This sentence seemed intrusive to dialogue and unsure why placed here.
`warrior stance’ – sorry I don’t know what this is.
You write very well, and I particularily liked the actions of the children. Good luck with it. I hope to read more.
tcasey101 reviewed Version 1 -
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This appears to be part of a longer story, so I would have to see the rest of the puzzle to understand what’s really going on. All in all, not a bad story though. (Are the characters playing Twister at the end?) The names Miko and Tive suggest that maybe this story takes place in a country that is not the United States. All in all, it’s a pretty well written story, just some punctuation errors. When a character is speaking, it should say:
“Show them the spinning thing,” Miko said
instead of
‘Show them the spinning thing,’ Miko said.
Good luck with your writing.
Tonysa1nt reviewed Version 1 -
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yeah very well written, this section is the first ive read from which i assume is a longer nover or short story but it was believeable and as i said very well written, one small gripe though is the names, Miko etc, maybe they could be more accessible names, but thats it.
well done
Tony
Owl_Light reviewed Version 1 -
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what was the muffled voice of the 8 year old girl all about? Have they found a roulette wheel?
There’s plenty of forward moving action and dialogue, which is difficult to do, so well done. But you haven’t really atttempted to describe very much in detail. Suggest you could describe the house, the people, the scenery. There’s a town, some roadways and a pylon. The only descriptive sentence, “In the distance a vast section of grey reflected the low sunlight. ” is a bit scrappy. A section of grey what? Why is the section of grey so big? Is there a storm brewing, or a lot of traffic in the distance.
Doogy_Rev_Brothers reviewed Version 1 -
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This was difficult to follow, potentially it’s just because I haven’t read the first excerpt – I’ll send you a friend request so that I can. Content aside, you have a lot of punctuation errors – mainly missing full-stops etc inside of speech marks. I won’t waste your credits pointing idividual ones out – if it bothers you it’s no great task to go back through and add them in.
-Closer the muffled urgent voice of a seven year old girl was explaining loudly to two frustrated 8 year old boys – this sentence, you should spell out ‘eight’. Again minor niggle, and it depends on your reasons for writing this as to whether you change it or not.
All in all, an odd little read, slightly compelling for it’s quirkiness and you can take the fact that I want to read the first segment as a good sign. Best of luck with it.
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