Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The Freak Show Case - Chapter 1
“ …kid is tattooed from his head down to his toes.
He claims that trouble follows him everywhere he goes.”
Billy Joe Shaver
“People and their Problems”
Old Acquaintance
I had been in my new location long enough to be settled in, but not long enough for the clients to be finding me regularly. Of course, I never had been in an office long enough for the clients to find me regularly, so that isn’t a big surprise. Even so, I like the office.
It’s conveniently located on the second floor of a two story loft just on the southeastern edge of downtown Dallas. That puts it within walking distance of almost everything a busy private investigator would need.
From my new digs, I can walk to City Hall and police headquarters; the Dallas County Sheriff’s department, most of the associated jail facilities and the central public library. Most importantly, I can easily walk to Stefan’s sandwich shop.
Stefan is a nice old man who will generally let me have a sandwich and a bag of chips on a promise to pay when I can. His only stipulation is that I don’t ask during his busy period. Since Stefan’s busy periods had quit occurring while the Cowboys were playing at the Cotton Bowl, this worked out well for me.
Also, since the office is on the second floor, the homeless people that can be found in any downtown area generally aren’t much of a bother. I guess the same bad fortune or lack of ambition that causes them to be homeless also tends to keep them attached to the street or ground floor of buildings.
So, all in all, I hoped the city wouldn’t decide to put a park here and force me to relocate again anytime soon. Whoever decided that downtown areas need to have parks on every corner should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
What downtown areas need are thriving businesses. Forcing a business to move in order to accommodate a park can’t be the best way to accomplish this. But since Dallas has been doing that for at least four decades now, I doubt it will stop until all that’s left around here are skyscrapers, parking lots and parks.
As I said, it’s a great office for a busy private investigator. If I could just have figured out a way to be a busy private investigator, everything would have been fine here. Pegasus Investigations had been a thriving enterprise at one time, but that was long before I began running it.
When it was thriving, I had been just a tall, skinny kid working as a downtown bicycle courier. Then the old man who ran the agency took me under his wing and taught me how to use my eyes and my ears when out on my bike to learn things he needed to know. He also paid me, which was nice.
After helping him out on a handful of cases, he offered to hire me full time. Since I figured being a private investigator would be almost as glamorous as riding a bike for a living and might allow me to spend more time in the air conditioning, I gladly accepted. That was fifteen years and four moves ago, and the old man retired after the first move and left it all to me.
Now, it’s a sole proprietorship with no employees, and the bike couriers make more every day than I make on my best day, so I couldn’t pay them to use their eyes and ears for me, even if I had a case that I needed help on. Fortunately, they do still let me do some part-time work for them, which does help me pay Stefan back occasionally.
Riding the bike also helps when I do have investigating to do, since that’s how I learned the trade in the first place. Even in this paranoid, post 9/11 culture, companies that wouldn’t let the Queen of England loiter outside their office, will let a bike courier waltz through their building like a principal through a junior high school and never think twice. Of course, since most bike couriers are less dangerous and look better than Her Majesty, that’s probably not a bad policy.
The first thing the old man taught me about running the business was that no matter how small-time I might be, it was important not to look small-time. That’s why I have my place set up so that there is what appears to be a reception area in front open to the public; my office in back with my living area set up so it looks like additional office space from the clients’ chairs.
On the Wednesday afternoon in late June that would eventually change everything, I wasn’t surprised to see someone looking like an extra from one of the Road Warrior/Mad Max movies in one of my client chairs. It’s rare, but not completely unprecedented, for one of the homeless people to work his or her way up the stairs to my reception area if they realized I was not going to there for a while.
The surprising thing was that the person in my client chair turned out to be a client with actual cash money. He not only had cash money, but he also had a case that should be solved and a belief that I would be able to earn his cash money by solving the case.
It was almost enough to make me forgive him for once having tried to break my nose with possibly the slowest right hook ever thrown at a bar in Deep Ellum called Club Dada.. Even after I walked around him and unlocked the door to my office I didn’t realize that he was not one of the homeless people who would rarely venture into my reception area.
I didn’t actually recognize him immediately, even though he didn’t rush out when I came in. I only realized that he wasn’t a transient after he called out, “Hey, Lance Armstrong, aren’t you going to greet an old friend?”
I turned and recognized him as a local ‘entertainer’ who had actually helped me when I solved a missing person case a few years ago. I also remembered how reluctantly he had helped me, and how he had taken a swing at me.
On most people, his spiked black and yellow hair would have drawn notice. However, his pierced ears, eyes, nose and tongue somehow rendered the hair almost meaningless. Additionally, the black long-sleeved spider web design shirt ripped open to reveal his left nipple also drew more notice. It also drew attention to the nipple ring with a sterling silver handcuff key dangling from it. I’m no expert on handcuff keys, but it appeared to be genuine police issue.
“I don’t have any friends who call me Lance Armstrong. And why are you, of all people, sitting in my office? Hoping to take another swing; thinking you’ve gotten faster?’
“No, man, it’s not like that at all. I thought we got all that worked out, I mean, hell, you found the chick, sent her home to momma, got paid and all that, right? It’s not like I did anything wrong in any of that.”
It’s not like she was wearing a ‘Hey I’m underage’ badge when she came on to me. Hell, if it hadn’t been for her wanting to dedicate her life to me, you might have never found her, no telling where she might have ended up.”
“Okay, so now you’re going to change your name to Mother Theresa. Why are you sitting in my office?”
He stood up quickly, and for a moment, I thought maybe he wanted to try that right hook again, but he finally sat back down, “I need help, man.”
“I think we’ve both known that for some time, but I just do investigations. The Parkland psych ward is up on Hines Boulevard.”
“Okay, I see now why you live in this rat hole. If that’s how you treat paying customers, I don’t see how you even afford this joint.”
Career advice from a kid who made his living sticking needles through himself onstage, I could generally do without, but his point was valid. It might especially be valid if he was going to be a paying customer.
I knew from our previous encounters, that he made more money in one run with his ‘Absolutely Incredible Completely Unbelievable Freak Show and Burlesque Revue’ than I typically make in a month. With that thought in mind I asked, “What do you need help with?”
“I can’t find a girl.”
“You mean suddenly, there’s a shortage of girls who are turned on by guys with needles sticking through every uncovered extremity?”
“No man, there’s always plenty of chicks that dig that. I mean I can’t find a certain girl. You know, a missing person, your specialty. I mean, unless you’ve decided not to be Sherlock Holmes and gone back to riding the bike all the time to make a living.”
As I sat there thinking about the most appropriate comeback to his second attempt to insult me because I ride a bicycle more profitably than I run a detective agency, I considered the possibility that the best way not to go back to riding the bike full time, was to actually accept a client who got on my nerves every time I talked to him and investigate his problem like detectives do.
I decided to give it a try, “My friends don’t call me Sherlock Holmes, either, Freak, but tell me about the girl.”
My calling the potential client ‘Freak’ was not likely to negatively impact our business relationship. It was, in fact, a way to make it a contractually legal client discussion, since Freak Show is, or was, his documented legal name.
For the next hour and a half, I pumped Freak for information about the missing girl. He gave me an amazing amount of knowledge about her.
He described her as 5’7”; with hair that was brown naturally, but could be worn blonde, auburn, pink, blue or any combination that suited her mood. He knew her shoe size, 6 or 6½ depending on the height of the heel and style of the shoe.
He talked about her favorite bands, Toadies and Big Head Todd. He also mentioned what he thought of her choice of bands. He said her favorite hangouts were The Gypsy Tea Room, Darkside Lounge, Club Dada.
He said she was usually somewhere in Deep Ellum four to six nights a week, sometimes as late as 4 a.m., more often until around two, but the she always left before midnight on Saturdays. She went to church every Sunday and didn’t want to be late.
He told me more things about the missing girl than I know about my girlfriend, Emily. He also gave me two Polaroid pictures he said were of her even though they didn’t even appear to be of the same girl.
The girl in one picture had long straight black hair and very goth looking makeup. That look, combined with the black choker and brooding look on her face, made her look like she either was on her way to try out for a role in another unneeded Addams Family reunion movie or was planning on joining a cult. It actually looked more like a mugshot than a snapshot.
The other picture showed a girl who had light pink hair with bright blue streaks that would only be appropriate in Deep Ellum or perhaps playing Magenta in a performance of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. But the innocent smile in the second picture was more suggestive of a prep school picnic picture.
Freak swore that both pictures were the same girl, but the only similarity I saw in the two pictures was a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant dangling from a chain. Before he left, he told me the last time he saw her was late May, just before he left for a run of performances in Vegas.
I felt like my client had given me enough information to accept the case. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of working another case in Deep Ellum, nor was I excited about working for this particular client. However, I needed to work to make a living, and it seemed like the type of case I could successfully solve.
Although Freak had seemed reserved at first, he had eventually given me the most detailed information I had ever received on a missing person case. There was only one important thing about her that he didn’t tell me. He either didn’t know, or just wouldn’t tell me, her name.
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I turned and recognized him as a local ‘entertainer’ who had actually helped me when I solved … ‘had’ is not necessary here and the writing will flow better if you remove it.
He stood up quickly, and for a moment … ‘up’ is not necessary.
You have, in my opinion, the perfect writing style for this type of story. Your writing flows naturally. As for the story, it was good. Freak’s character stood out well as did his missing lady friend, whose name you didn’t get. It was interesting from the beginning where you talked about the town, parks and homeless. Your humor was quaint and colorful, but you may want to pull back just a little on the sarcastic remarks. A little goes a long way. I’m assuming you want it to be a serious detective story, not a comedy spot. Sometimes, less is more.
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I’d likely pick this up. Sure, you have some issues with passive and active voice, as well as tense, but the voice is good and the story looks like it would be a fun read.
Okay, since you asked specifically for passive voice help, here goes.
Run find in word for all the incidences of the word had. Had is a give away that the sentence is passive.
Example:
Although Freak had seemed reserved at first, he had eventually given me the most detailed information I had ever received on a missing person case.
Try Although Freak seemed reserved at first, he eventually gave me…
Now you also need to watch out for using extraneous wording, and just say it outright.
Example:
Freak swore that both pictures were the same girl, but the only similarity I saw in the two pictures was a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant dangling from a chain.
Remove that, and I saw in the two pictures. Also, I wonder about dangling from a chain. Is that redundant? Anyways, I hope you see my point.
Another passive example:
As I sat there…
The as makes it passive. What about Sitting there,....?
Other passive voice clues are had been, can, will.
Okay, now for the tense shifts. I honestly have no idea what tense you have chosen, or if you have chosen one. There are so many shifts. I can understand using a shift to refer to the past…but some don’t even appear to have forethought.
Anyways, I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck.
I think you have alot of elements here that will make a great mystery. I am definately interested in reading more.
First, as to your question about passive voice – there does seem to be a lot of it here, especially in the beginning. One trick I know is to use your word processing program to search for words and phrases like ‘had been;” “to be;” “can;” and “will.” Then see if you can’t rewrite the sentence to be more active.
In looking back over the beginning, I think it also comes across as passive because so much of it is description and flashbacks. My strongest suggestion would be to jump right into the story with Freak showing up:
“Hey, Lance Armstrong, aren’t you going to greet an old friend?”
I turned and recognized him as a local ‘entertainer’ who had actually helped me when I solved a missing person case a few years ago. I also remembered how reluctantly he had helped me, and how he had taken a swing at me.
On most people, his spiked black and yellow hair would have drawn notice. However, his pierced ears, eyes, nose and tongue somehow rendered the hair almost meaningless. Additionally, the black long-sleeved spider web design shirt ripped open to reveal his left nipple also drew more notice. It also drew attention to the nipple ring with a sterling silver handcuff key dangling from it. I’m no expert on handcuff keys, but it appeared to be genuine police issue.
“I don’t have any friends who call me Lance Armstrong. And why are you, of all people, sitting in my office? Hoping to take another swing; thinking you’ve gotten faster?’
Then I’d go back and give the background info and get inside his head and do the descriptive stuff.
I like the Jim Rose-type Circus Show angle. I also really like the whole bike courier stuff ( i was one myself and my second mystery novel has a woman bike courier in a big role.)
You have all of the elements here for a great novel and I really look forward to reading more. I’m sending you a friend request because I’d love to read more of your stuff and I’m sure you could help me a lot with what I’m doing.
Thanks.
I’ll echo the previous comments. You could do a bit more showing in this but it doesn’t attract from the fact I really enjoyed it. The one thing that really leapt out at me is your final sentance. it’s a tiny, tiny thing but it bugged me.
Where you have - He either didn’t know, or just wouldn’t tell me, her name.
I want it to read – He either didn’t know, or just wouldn’t tell me. Her name.
I’d even be tempted to put ‘her name’ into a seperate paragraph all by itself as it’s your hook to keep the reader going. And it’s a good one as it opens up all sorts of questions.
good read. let me start off by saying that i enjoyed reading it.
ok, your descriptions were good. but, some things you have to change. you should show, through your narrative, the reader whats going on--rather than tell. here is an example: “he had eventually given me the most detailed information I had ever received on a missing person case.”--youre telling the reader that this is supposed to be something with a lot of detail. a better way of showing this would be a reaction by the lead, or an exchange of dialogue between them arguing over the length of detail.
your dialogue i thought was fine. and other than a few more examples of telling vs showing, id say this is pretty good.
great read!
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