Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Another Monday Special
Monday 19th February 2007 – ANOTHER MONDAY; BUTTER THEM UP
It was inevitable. Episode after episode of Antiques Roadshow showcasing extreme valuables and wares, you knew something would happen one day. Every time you saw it, your brain always asked that little question, ‘What if the Valuer breaks that $100,000 tea cup?’ You felt it in your bones. A little part of you just wanted to see it. Well, Another Monday faithful; today’s the day [well, not today, but the other day…].
Here’s the information for the incident report:
Location: China.
TV Program: Chinese Central Television’s ’10 most valuable treasures episode’
Item: A million dollar, 2500 year old mirror.
Perpetrator: Wang*; Crew member on the set of filming
Incident: Said mirror falls from said perpetrators hands and meets the ground at a tremendous speed
There’s no telling to what was going through poor ol’ Wang’s mind at that exact moment when he realized this wasn’t going to end well. There’s no telling what was going through his mind the seconds after the mirror slipped from his delicate hands to the time he lifted his head up to stare at the audience. There’s no telling; but it’s fun to think about.
The obvious comes to mind. A profanity. Maybe two, three or four. But a profanity in Chinese of course.
Maybe he went through something similar to a near death experience [NDE]. His whole world flashing before him. His family, his partner, his first grade teacher, the stir fry he was looking forward to that night… But regardless of his life slideshow, all of those thoughts would then crescendo into Wang being escorted out of the studio and expressed straight to a GE Finance Payment Plan Hell.
But maybe it was less of a NDE and more of an armed robbery? Two words. Escape Plan. Would Wang be racking his brains to remember what the fire warden told him in case of emergency? Would he run through Studio Four, down the stairs, around the corner, straight past the assembly area and on the next slow boat to Japan?
Maybe. But there’s one thing you can be sure of. There’s only one thing worse than paying the million dollars in forty dollar installments and/or sailing on a rickety boat to Tokyo. It’s something that’s been scaring the be-jeebus out of most of us our entire lives. Superstition. Yeah, better believe it.
Poor Wang. He’s now got 17,500 years back luck crossed against his name. 17,500 years of bad hair cuts. 17,500 years of ugly women. 17,500 years of getting gluggy rice.
So what does poor Wang do now? Does he try and jump off the Sky Central Plaza Building and end it all? Would his luck be so bad that even if he did that, he’d land in a open truck full of pillows and just end up severely maiming himself?
Don’t worry, there’s hope for our friend Wang. Rather than focus on what he’s lost, let’s band together and cheer for he’s got. He’s can now walk under ladders, step on cracks, open an umbrella inside his house, throw salt and pepper willy-nilly, put his new shoes on the table and square-dance on Black Friday.
So if you think you’re having a bad day, think of our poor butterfingers, Wang. Think of him and that exact moment where it all went wrong.
Have things gone wrong for you? Are you on showcase? Do you square-dance? Are you in a Finance Payment Hell? Do you through salt and pepper willy-nilly? If so, email Liz at Another Monday. anothermonday@theonioncupboard.com Not endorsed by GE Capital Finance.
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Good humor in this piece. You also create empathy for poor old Wang. I hope this piece went well for your article submission.
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This is really funny and I enjoyed the flow of the piece. I would die if something like this happened to me. I’m not superstitious but I might jump out of a building too. 2500 years… Long time.
I enjoyed your allusions. You abstained from cliches and your ideas are concise. I would have liked to know more of your thoughts on it because there’s a lot of meat to pick from.
Creative and fun to read. I liked how you included creative words and phrases, like-pepper willy-nilly, GE Finance Payment Plan Hell,and poor butterfingers, Wang.
I also liked,”There’s only one thing worse than paying the million dollars in forty dollar installments” because I know people can relate to the mountain of debt many face.
fun.
Ha this was great. I felt so bad for Wang and could just imagine how much that’d suck. I love the crude racist jokes too, very nice. Oh and this was well written too. Nice job.
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