it’s pressed to your pout because it’s not about a ciagette..but about a blow job.
Poetry / cigarette?
Pressed to your pout,
greedy full lips take me in,
sensation compared by none,
my inhibitions released,
my exhibitions fullfilled,
you prod, I shudder,
inhaled to a deepest home
calm, soothed
my body spent
my body numb.
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anonymitysucks reviewed Version 5 -
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“my inhibitions released,
my exhibitions fullfilled,”
i don’t think this misrepresents the poem in any way whatsoever (as suggested by a previous review)...
the only thing i didn’t like was the lack of periods used to better break the formation, but the poem is exceptional, so screw the periods.
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The_Recluse reviewed Version 5 -
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I like this poem. I think it uses the stages of thought when it comes to smoking and paints a picture of what it is like to the body. “My body spent – My body numb” I think are excellent lines. I would almost add a sense of impending doom at the end to shows the aspect of death or illness caused by the bodies requests.
newfound reviewed Version 5 -
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a great exploration of that relationship you build with every single cigarette that you smoke, ever
no issues, in my oppinion, with structure, verbage/language…
good job
townxelliot reviewed Version 5 -
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Good first two lines: drawing the reader in like the lips. How about rewriting them slightly to increase the tension and anticipation?
Pressed to your pout,
greedy full lips take
me in. Perfect sensations
release inhibitions.
Burning_Lashes reviewed Version 5 -
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well this an interesting take on the use and abuse of the humble cigerette. although you seem to shift a little between the cigarette and the smoker. I’m not sure if that intentional but i found the undefined mix a little confusing and blurry. Perhaps if you did want to convey this a second stanza would be wise. Also I am afraid to say I did not really like the “pressed to your pout” line, there is something not quite right about it… lips maybe or some other form of slang. Best of luck, i would just advise a revision.
dreamingjaguar reviewed Version 5 -
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You personify the cigarette in this poem, which is clever. In these two lines:
“my inhibitions released,
my exhibitions fullfilled,”
It sounds like you jump back to the person and describing what the cigarette does for for him/her.
“inhaled to a deepest home”
this line sounds a little awkward to me for some reason…maybe “inhaled to a deeper home” would sounds better. or “inhaled to the deepest home” since you are using the superlative “deepest,” putting “the” before it would sounds more grammatically correct—but who cares about grammar sometimes, right? =)
mdpapa reviewed Version 5 -
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i totaly can relate to this
the feeling of release in a cigarette
even though i should quit it really does calm and sooth haha nice wording
very good description to those who do not smoke and knows nothing of the subject matter rather than see people do it.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 4 -
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There is an odd change of POV, you start with 2nd person in your pout then switch to 1st person with my body etc. Did you mean inhibitions instead of exhibitions, which are displays of stuff, art etc? I think you need to reconsider this poem a bit.
Loba reviewed Version 4 -
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This is a good start, but it doesn’t seem finished. Probably because this isn’t a proper sentence, but it’s punctuated like one.
The opening line does draw the reader in as strong image that follows the title.
The second line is weak. What does “deepest home” mean? Is that supposed to mean lings. I think “deep home” would be less confusing because “deepest” seems like a mistake in conjugation.
The last three lines are useless, they don’t resolve the image or action like they’re trying to.
The last two lines actually bring up more questions. How is your body “spent” through smoking? And, does smoking a cigarette really make you numb? These lines just seem over dramatic than descriptive.
Good start. With some tweaking you’ll really have something.
sarrah reviewed Version 4 -
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nice metaphorical use of a cigarette
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