Young Adult / Angenii ~ Chapter two

Chapter two

“I am not holding the bus for you all day, Miss Willoughby.”  Frank, the bus driver, shouted into the morning silence.

The girl and I stared at each other, neither of us willing to budge our gaze. There was something there, something between us eating away at my soul. Fear held me rooted to the spot. My hands began to quiver. My lips trembled. There was no way she was a just a ghost. She was something else, but what?  

“I’m leaving, Miss Willoughby.”  Frank pulled the lever to close the doors and the high-pitched squeal released me from her entrapment.

I dashed for the bus.  “Sorry, Frank.”  

I moved down the aisle and plopped into the seat next to Myka. She would settle this drawn out question I had lingering in my head.  “Did you see that girl in the upstairs window of Mr. Danson’s old house?”

“No.” Myka peered out the window, trying to see around the moving truck.  “Is she our age?”    

“I think so.  I didn’t get that good of a look at her.”  It was a little lie. I saw her well enough to know she was the same scary girl from my dreams.

“Maybe she’ll go to Decatur.”  

“Yeah.” I gave a quick answer so that we could drop the subject.  Myka didn’t know about my ghostly visitors and I intended to keep it that way. There was no need for her to question my sanity anymore than necessary. I shifted the conversation.  “Did you finish reading Hamlet?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t care for it.”  

“Me neither.” However, I didn’t finish reading it. I just couldn’t force myself to even skim the work. They really needed to assign books that engaged the teens of our time rather than those bazillions of years ago.  Maybe then some of us would actually do our homework.

“Oh my God!  There he is!”  Myka grabbed my arm, gawking out the window, captivated by Marshal Higgins.  He was in line to get on the bus with all the rest of the students at his stop.  

“How do I look?” She pleaded, desperate for approval.  She strummed her perfectly brushed soft-brown hair with her fingers and straightened the pleats of her skirt so they lay flat against her thin thighs.

“You look great.”  Like you do every morning, I thought, with a slight roll of my eyes.  She wasted hours each day making certain not a single part of her appearance was out of place for the ten-minute bus ride with Marshal Higgins.  And he had yet to notice her.  It was pathetic.

“Hi Marshal,” Myka wheezed as he passed our seat and headed to the back row, and like always, there was no response.  “I love him.”  Myka whispered as she sunk back in her seat coveting her little piece of Heaven.  “Did you see him look at me?”  

I glanced at her uncertain if her and I witnessed the same scene.  He deliberately turned his head the other way.  “Yeah, it was great!”  I lied to her again, but this time the lie was to protect her sanity, not mine.

“I heard he was going to break up with Brandy today.”

“Uh-huh.” I started to zone out. What Marshal and Brandy were doing ranked right up there with what Brad, Angelina, and Jen were feuding about this week in the litter of magazines that lined the front of the grocery store, I plain did not care.

Frank pulled around the bend into school and within a few moments, the students were pouring out the twin doors.  Of course, Myka grabbed my shirt to keep me in place until Marshal passed. She fancied a moment of peace with her eyes stuck to his booty, which, admittedly, was not bad looking.  He was, after all, captain of the football team and state-wrestling champion.

Right when I was looking down at the steps ready to brush pavement, a football slammed into the side of my head.  I fell off the curb into a freshly melted puddle of mud mixed with motor oil.

The thick smears of gunk now seeping through my jeans leaving brown stains everywhere, made the tiny ketchup spot on my shirt seem obsolete.

“Are you okay?”  Marshal hurried forward.  He grabbed me by the arm and lifted me to my feet. His hands were strong, yet so gentle. It caught me completely by surprise. I had no idea someone could touch like that…not that I was interested, just making an observation.

His eyes met mine and I felt myself completely and totally entranced for the second time today. I had never been this close to Marshal Higgins before and it suddenly struck me how great he smelled.  I could stand here and sniff him all day.

“Oh my God, Rachel.” Myka’s sudden shrieking forced Marshal and I apart.
He quickly bent over and picked up my backpack from the mud, eager to escape Myka.

I turned to face her, giving her my best super model pose. “Think my mother will love this year’s picture?” I shook some of the mud off me but it made no difference. Dirt would inevitable mark any trail I blazed for the next few hours.    

“Oh crap. I’m so sorry.” And from the pained look on Marshal’s face, I knew he truly meant it.  “Ummm…do you have someone you can call to bring you new clothes?”  

“No, but don’t worry about it.”  I didn’t care.  Clothes weren’t priority to my life no matter how much my mother wished a “love to shop” curse upon me.  

“Shit.  I have Nelson for math first period.  There is no way I can skip, but second I’ve got James. He’ll let me out.  If you can get out of your second I’ll arrange a ride to get you home to clean you up.”

“That’s not…”

“Yeah, that works great.” Myka shouted, jumping to my side.  “We’ve got Hendy second. And since we’ve both finished reading Hamlet there is no reason for us to stay.”

Marshal’s eyes strayed onto Myka with a certain amount of reluctance, which I couldn’t blame him for. She’d made it clear since his first day of school last year that she loved him. The drama had to be bothersome. He turned back to me.  “Meet me outside gym between periods.  Cool?”

“Sure.” I reached out my mucky hand to shake his. To my surprise he took it with a smile.

“See ya then.”  He headed off up the steps to the school, the football in one hand, his backpack in the other, and Myka’s bleeding heart trailing.

“Oh my God!” she shrieked.  “We’ve got a date with Marshal Higgins!”  She started jumping up and down next to me like some sort of monkey.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her it wasn’t a date.  

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gymchik104 avatar General Stranger

November 25, 2007

gymchik104

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Mika avatar General Stranger

June 05, 2007

Mika

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JEDoherty avatar General Stranger

May 27, 2007

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Lunsford avatar General Stranger

February 15, 2007

Lunsford

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“I’m leaving, Miss Willoughby.”  Frank pulled the lever to close the doors and the high-pitched squeal released me from her entrapment. ... Where did the squeal come from? I am assuming
it’s from the door. ... the high-pitched squeal of the door released me from her entrapment.

Right when I was looking down at the steps ready to brush pavement, a football slammed into the side of my head.  I fell off the curb into a freshly melted puddle of mud mixed with motor oil. ... These sentences stand well on their own, but I would join them with ‘and’ for a better flow.

The thick smears of gunk now seeping through my jeans leaving brown stains everywhere, made the tiny ketchup spot on my shirt seem obsolete. ... I like this. This is cute.

This is good writing. I like your style. I like your come-backs. I love they way you described your annoying, starry-eyed friend. ... I could sniff him all day – Love It.

OnionBagel avatar General Stranger

February 11, 2007

OnionBagel

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
OnionBagel reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This was well written.  I liked it and it defnitely didn’t bore me.  The dialogue was very well done and there was nothing that was written weird that caught my eye anywhere.  Nice job.

lynsey avatar General Stranger

February 06, 2007

lynsey

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
lynsey reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I like this.  I think your dialogue is very believable and I love how you entertwine the mundaiety of the narrator’s school life with her spirit seeing.  My only criticism is that I think you need to flesh out your prose with more sensory images e.g. a more detailed description of Myka and Marshall.  And what did Brandy look like?  Was she pretty?  Did they like her?  What did Marshall smell like?

Also, where are your witty one-liners about death and spirits in this chapter?

Deleted User avatar

February 05, 2007

Deleted User

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote )
Review of Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Your second chapter and I’m still hooked. What a great scenario, a creepy stare down with. . . we we’re not sure what. Then a strong mood transition to the bus with an annoying conversation with Myka. Great characters, I feel like I’m back in high school. Wait a minute, I hated high school. See what you’ve done to me? Actually, I mean that in a very positive way – you capture the essence of adolescents so well.

Great job describing Myka’s desperate infatuation with Marshall. One problem; I get the impression from Rachael’s description that Myka’s pretty hot. Would a hormonally charged teenage boy really be able to ignore her obvious interest and flirtation? If there’s some history, or he simply finds her puppy-infatuation annoying, this needs to be more apparent.

Another minor issue; Getting slammed in the head with a football is very painful. Rachael’s reaction to Marshall’s touch is not that realistic. More likely her immediate reaction would be to swear like a pirate. Maybe give her some recovery time before she gets hot for Marshall’s.

Sorry, but I’ve got to nitpick at some sentence structure again; ‘. . .close the doors and the high-pitched squeal. . .’ I’d make that two sentences. ‘. . .Close the doors. The high pitched. . .’

‘. . .the back row, and like always, there was no response’ Again, two sentences; ‘. . .the back row. Like always. . .’ There are a few more like this. Two separate ideas usually need to be two separate sentences.

‘She would settle this.’ A little too definitive for the context. How about ‘Maybe she would. . .’ or ‘hopefully. . .’

‘. . .Gawking out the window, captivated by Marshall. . .’ Redundant. You really only need one. She gawks, therefore she’s captivated.

‘They really needed to assign books that engaged the teens of our time rather than those bazillions of years ago.’ Unclear – I get what Rachel’s saying, but I have to work at it. Maybe try to simplify; ‘They need to assign books relevant to our time.’

Other than that, you’ve got me gawking and captivated (sorry, couldn’t resist). In other words, wanting to read more. Great story!

GiggleWorks avatar General Friend

February 02, 2007

GiggleWorks

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
GiggleWorks reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

“Frank, the bus driver, shouted into the morning silence.” I think we will know he’s the bus driver. Srike those words.
“There was something there, something between us eating away at my soul.” The eating away at her souls seems a little harsh. Do you intend it to be so dramatic? Is it really draining her? It doesn’t seem like the right thing to say, but I’m not sure if I’ll regret those words later so question yourself about it and ignore me if I’m wrong.
“I dashed for the bus.  “Sorry, Frank.”” He was already closing the door. Make her push it back open or something. She’s such a condfident character I could see her doing something of the sort. And where is Myka while this is happening. I mean, I kow she goes into the bus and sits down cuz Angenni joins her, but it feels like theres a little discription missing here. Like maybe she should be watching her from the window with a lifted eyebrow or something.
I somehow got the idea Myka was a dude in the first chapter. . . . Hehehehe. You need to add thatn discription.
“And he had yet to notice her.” I would cut the and. Another cute line . . . .
“front of the grocery store, I plain did not care.” Period between Store and I plain did not care. Or a least a semi colin.
“the students were pouring out the twin doors.” Were pouring out OF the twin doors.
Maybe I’m wrong about this too, but tell us that she’s getting off the bus before the football dings her head. Show us.
“made the tiny ketchup spot on my shirt seem obsolete.” I think it makes it obsolete. Not SEEM obsolete.
Even better than Chapter one. This one had less grammarical errors, the story gets stronger as well as the character. Interesting dynamics already occuring and it’s only going to get better. Greay story!

allecto13 avatar General Stranger

February 02, 2007

allecto13

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
allecto13 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is great.  You’ve really snagged the voice of the teenage girl, without it seeming too overdone.  I find myself really intrigued with what might happen later on.  The only thing I might wonder is whether this will turn out to be the usual “love” triangle, where the main girl falls for the guy that her best friend is head over heels with…not knowing what direction you are planning to take, we won’t know for sure until we read, as with any book.  I do certainly read those kinds of books, even knowing what will probably happen at the end.

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