Thank you for all of those suggestions, I think you’re right about them all, except this S on maths- in england the school subjects is maths not math. If I changed it, everyone here would ask “Why have you written that like an american?”
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Poetry / Ukraine
PRAGUE 1993
A window display of soap powder
but it’s already the West.
We tell people where we’re going:
they laugh,
translate for their friends,
wish us luck.
HISTORY
Battle green carriages
stretch out of the station,
each stencilled with a star.
Compartments off an aisle, bunks,
for the two days back to Moscow.
RABBIT
We share our compartment
with a businessman –
he doesn’t add more;
gives us chicken-sized haunches,
slices cured fat with my Swiss army knife,
toasts us.
BORDER
The rails on the other side
are narrower,
to hamper invaders,
so the carriages are lifted,
swung onto new wheels,
old ones trundled away like a centipede
EAST
I stand at the window looking back
as we curve across a viaduct,
the train so long the last carriages
are still rounding the far hillside.
TOURISTS
We look down
at women in headscarves,
men leading horses.
White storks lift as we pass.
The tin onion domes
of new churches
shine between trees.
ALPHABET
Everyone –
old women, gangsters dressed worse than us –
notices.
I stand by our rucksacks,
stare up at arrivals, departures,
cyrillics useless as maths
HEART OF DARKNESS
American,
a retired sailor.
Has sheaves of notes, maps,
to match rivers & hamlets
with Conrad’s childhood.
We see him driving off
in a taxi.
AUNTIE
Looks like his mum
only stringier.
Wears wellies,
beats the car-sized bull with a stick.
She cried & hugged him:
from the girl taken away
a lifetime ago.
YISTY
I start eating and dont stop:
mashed potatoes, cucumber, vereniki;
drink vodka,
grin –
my only way to be welcomed,
say thank you.
SHIT
A phone box sized shed.
Inside, a box worn smooth
round a dinner plate hole.
My piss fizzes in the mulch, lifts flies.
Winter, it must be a frozen block.
ACCENT
Translating for me
he sounds like the mills his mum –
their aunt, their sister –
worked in.
To them,
he speaks their language
like the Queen,
The Beatles
UKRAINE
His Auntie leans on the gate,
talks about their family.
Mike translates at first.
She stops herself crying
pushing the tears off her sunburnt face.
GIFTS
There’s nothing to give us
except vodka.
A dozen pint bottles each.
The schoolboy border guards
check for icons,
keep a packet of cigarettes,
move on.
ENGLISH GIRL
Skinny as a baby monkey.
In with 2 blonde women
& a man with forged papers.
They don’t know she understands:
bitch about her, weigh up his chances.
TRADE
A night sight for a tank,
heavy as a breeze block,
in a plastic sports bag,
to sell for a car to drive back.
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adaria reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the flow and the drama, this is truly an original and incredible process of thought..Bravo!
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Brien_James_Dawson reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel that this is many poems under one title and that works sometimes and then it doesn’t. You have a very strong ability to create music in your lines and that really helps give the piece movement. Again, a great use of alliteration and other internal rhyme patterns. Overall, the feelings created by many piece in one really takes away from the piece and I could see this being a small collection of poems/chapbook, but as a single standing piece it just doesn’t work for me. Only my opinion.
4everYours reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the Prague stanza. Some of the stanzas, however, read more like ordinary lines broken up. The last stanza, you repeat ‘box’ twice. AUNTIE is like a list of statements. TOURISTS was an ok stanza, and i especially liked the references to tin onion domes – that was an interesting way of describing the roofs.
I’m not sure of this poem, but I would have liked there to be more imagery like in the first and last stanza.
StutheRabbit reviewed Version 1 -
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obviously these are all separate poems. I liked them. I think they will be better when they’re given more space. Certainly between the title and the poem, but I would also consider where you have a sentence end in the middle of a poem, putting a stanza break, at least in some cases. Some notes:
History: line 4 reads wierd because it has an extra stress compared to the others, and that comma doesn’t need to be at the end of the line. I would consider rethinking how you hanle the last two lines.
Rabbit: I want to say gives us more what? But I kind of like that I don’t know.
Border: All the commas are distracting…line 2 doesn’t need one, and line 5 I’d go with a dash or a period. You also need a period at the end, and I would make trundled trundle.
East: that comma should be ; – or .
Tourists I love.
Alphabet needs a period, and I don’t quite get the last line, should math be singular?
Auntie is slightly confusing in the last two lines, but maybe it works.
Shit is preetty funny.
Accent is confusing, though again, maybe it should be. It’s your language he speaks like the Queen. The Queen doesn’t speak Ukrainian. Mills is a great analogy though.
Gifts I love.
You’ve got something good here. I would try to do more perhaps. I think ultimately, you have to look at the order and how they evolve, make sure words aren’t repeated too close together or similar subjects don’t fall too close together. All in all good stuff though.
angelique_07 reviewed Version 1 -
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This one’s really wonderful!
“There’s nothing to give us” – I’d take out “us.”
“She stops herself crying
pushing the tears off her sunburnt face.” – You don’t need the “She” and I would add a “from” after “herself.” The next line could be cleaned up a bit, “Pushing tears from sunburnt face.”
“The Beatles” Needs a period after “Beatles,” I think. Same thing goes for the Alphabet and Border stanzas.
“cyrillics useless as maths” – Take the “s” off math.
Good work here.
~Angel
ae reviewed Version 1 -
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Well. I suppose if your goal was to cover the whole adventure in this form, you have achieved that. I like the structure, the vignettes, the titling. But your voice is passionless, almost removed. This would be okay too, but for so long? I think we expect that from a narrative poem, up to a point, but as it went on I began to believe this should be leading up to some climax, but no. You have great turns of phrase: ”gansters dressed worse than us” “cyrillics useless as maths” and that’s maths with an ESS, I loved that! “looks like his mum, only stringier.” The description and language is great, throughout. It just feels like story, which is lovely, lovely, but without plot, only description. I almost feel apologetic. I felt it too long to have no point other than reportage, you know? Good reportage, but it did leave me wondering what your point had been, other than to record the visit in this shape. Perhaps that is enough.
Tnx!
ae
LoKiRha reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem was quite a lot of fun. I’m not sure what the convention was, if it wasn’t unconventional, but I was happy to read it twice. The first go was rough, consuming meanings like over-dried meats; enjoying it, but at a rather slow pace. The second, with the previous analysis (and a bit of Eastern Euro culture under my belt), was wonderful, beautifully painted story. I can only imagine that was your trip “home;” however I’m just happy to have read about anybody’s trip home that included Prague (I’m going there shortly).
Thank you very much for sharing. It truly was a lovely piece.
-LoKi
andersonwilliam reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the way you begin each stanza with TRADE or ENGLISH GIRL. It is eye catching and opens your mind up to the verse. An odd story being told through stream of consciousness perhaps. I like it. The only down side is that I feel a little lost sometimes, but it is a powerful piece.
victorianLace reviewed Version 1 -
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I truly liked this piece. I could see it in a small book where photos of many of the scenes are interjected to give extra punch.
I also appreciate the precise images you invoke: “mashed potatoes, cucumber, vereniki; drink vodka,” “pushing the tears off her sunburnt face.”
I am confused as to why sometimes you use the word “and” and other times you used “&” why?
In addition, I am not wild about the title, actually I prefer “Prague, 1993” for the title, or “The Ukraine: A Montage.”
jae_ming_jue reviewed Version 1 -
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There are some nuggets I like throughout including “schoolboy border guards”, “my piss fizzles in the mulch” and “battle green carriages.” However, the matter-of-fact listing of observations, although consistent to a kinda soldier’s checklist: socks, combat boots, rifle, toothbrush, duffel bag, ointment…I feel because of the length of the poem, it just drags because of it. It’s rather medical with little nuggets that only hint at any feeling which may be a deliberate choice but for me, it becomes uninteresting and a chore to read. That could be just a matter of my taste in poetry.
My opinion, is that there’s material here to write more poignantly, removing the outline headers and adding more feeling and description that would negate the use of stanza headers. They distract me more than anything else by recalling note-taking as a schoolboy which I was never fond of doing. Again, maybe that was your intention to emphasize some point which I felt was overwrought.
Again, perhaps a matter of my opinion and take what you would of my opinion.
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