Romance / Alpha Omega

Very interesting. This is well written. I thought it was touching. there were some punctuation areas that I thought commas could be replaced by periods. It gives a good clear picture and really makes you think about life. Good writing.

The words are beautiful, but the person is difficult.  You’re writing in first person, but speaking of her with such frequence, I think it would be more effective if you switched it to third person, and tweaked it a tad.  I think it will make it pop.  For example, it’s the occasional sentence where first person pops, that takes away, rather than add:

I begin with her golden hair by massaging the mind with botanical oils fit for my queen.

RATHER THAN:

Her golden hair is massaged by the mind, botanical oils fit only for a queen.

I’ll be curious to see if other reviewers agree with me, because your description is so rich, and you paint a picture so well.  You just sit back and think, “There’s somethingggg that needs tweaking, but what?”  I believe it’s person.  I look forward to watching your work evolve.

R

I THINK I DECIDED TO REVIEW THIS BASED ON YOUR INITIAL COMMENTS ABOUT A THIRST FOR LOVE.  THESE ARE ONLY MY SUGGESTIONS.  USE THE ONES YOU LIKE AND THROW AWAY THE OTHERS…
        Her lips are soft to the touch, sweet to the taste, intoxicating to the soul.  My heart beats in rhythm with her breath, as (MAYBE MAKE TWO SEP SENTENCES HERE)blood flows in chorus our bodies move in verse.  I find security in the warmth of her cheek pressed to mine. Now the subtle hint of sweet vanilla and spice lures me to indulge in her shoulders, then her neck, until I reach her golden hair. Thank you God(,) for sharing your vision of nature’s(I FEEL NATURE AND GOD ARE ONE AND THE SAME SO I MIGHT DEL NATURE’S) eternal perfection with our souls.
        The wind suddenly starts to howl again between each  heavy breath delivering kisses to the chimes on the balcony.(NICE GRAPHIC HERE) Each note the chimes play sings a song of praise from the angel unseen by man’s eye, but loved by man’s soul. Some refer to him as Cupid, and others by(CHG BY TO AS) Aphrodite, to me the angel has no name, no face, no body.(I THINK IT WOULD BE MUCH CLEARER AS TWO SEP SENTENCES HERE) I have only encountered him once in a dream. Energy, pure energy, the kind from the depths of one’s soul that could move mountains, destroy world’s,(JUST WONDERING WHY YOU WOULD BRING ‘DESTRUCTION’ INTO A LOVING ENVIRONMENT HERE) and give birth to new civilizations all at the same time.
         I can hear the tip toe(MAKE ONE WORD…TIPTOE) of rain again as well, giggling with the anticipation of young love’s first encounter. Feel the rain, feel it wash away the inhibitions of our hearts. Together we will bathe in that which is most holy and pure, the water of life. Warm, gentle, with care(INSERT COMMA) we soak and scrub our senses into complete awareness.  I begin with her golden hair by massaging the mind with botanical oils fit for my queen.(IMHO, ‘MASSAGING THE MIND’ WOULD BE A MENTAL OR ETHEREAL THING…BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE PHYSICALLY MASSAGING THE HEAD AND HAIR WITH THE OILDS…MAYBE…BY MASSAGING IT…) In reason to rhyme one step at a time we take turns igniting each nerve into the fire of our holistic being.(OH BOY…I LIKE THIS SENTENCE)
        Without warning(ADD COMMA) her teeth begin to feast on the energy of my soul with each bite of flesh. How sweet it is, I can not resist doing the same to her soul letting go of all rational control. The love. The passion.(THESE TWO ARE INCOMPLETE SENTENCES..NO VERBS…I WOULD SUGGEST USING COMMAS AND ADDING THEM TO THE NEXT SENTENCE) The complete unification of our souls. Our reason for existing.(THIS IS ALSO AN INCOMPLETE SENTENCE.  I BELIEVE YOUR INTENT IS TO HAVE IT REFER TO THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE BUT IT DOESN’T AS WRITTEN) Not a word is said, nor a look exchanged. Strictly a song, hearts in rhythm, blood in chorus,  bodies in verse. Without mercy the power goes out, helpless to the hand of nature. Now a candle is lit, then another, and another(,) until seven stand in vigilance. In church(,) a candle burns twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, in silent prayer as a vigil to the presence of spirit. The water begins to cool as the flames burn brighter. The time has come. The angel is here.
        The rain falls with a furious passion for life. Our lips meet, our hands touch, muscles swell and lightening strikes. The gold of her hair shines bright between my fingers. My back is broadened by the focus of our arms. The rhythm of our abs and the devotion of our minds. Holistic beings are now intertwined. Where I begin and she ends does not exist.(FANOTHER GREAT SENTENCE)  The intensity of our song has drowned the thunder and lit the world on fire… Can you hear it? Go ahead, touch it. Feel the heat? The moment is fleeting, but the song of the soul is eternal. We are the Alpha… the Omega… perfection. Amen.            

Nine o’clock rolled around and she is already an hour late. The road is slick and the world is darkened by the blanket of a first rain. The scent of fresh rain gives life to the nature of why we meet. Rain is timeless, refreshing, and life giving. Every fiber of our beings come together each time as if it were the first. The soul is one, the body is whole, and the mind is in another place without time. Finally she is here, the world as we know it can begin and will have no end. (VERY NICE BEGINNING…EXTREMELY DEEP DESCRIPTIONS THAT ONE CAN ALMOST SMELL)

WOW!  THIS IS SOME GREAT STUFF.  YOU HAVE A SUPERB ABILITY TO DESCRIBE FEELINGS.  THERE WERE SOME WONDERFUL REFERNCES TO INNER FEELINGS.  VERY NICE WORK.  AS I ALWAYS SAY, THESE ARE JUST MY SUGGESTIONS AND TAKE THE ONES YOU LIKE AND THROW AWAY THE ONES YOU DON’T LIKE.  BUT KEEP ON WRITING.  YOU HAVE A DISTINCT GIFT IMHO