Query Letter / Revelations Query letter

I would delete the word “demonic” in the line: “the forces of demonic evil”. “forces of evil” says it all. Including ‘demonic’ is redundant. So is saying that Cassandra is a woman, which should be obvious by her name.

“a schizophrenic whose fragile”, should be “who’s”.  That may seem minor (as do the comments above), but little things like this stand out like a red flag to an agent.  They already make it as difficult as possible. Give them ZERO excuses to stop reading.

Keep the description tight, but precise. List your education level, any writing credentials or experience that you have. If you’ve ever had “anything” published give reference to it. Most agents and publishers want to know what (if any) expertise you have to offer when it comes to marketing the book, or what you are willing to do to help promote it, availability for book signings, interviews, etc.  Only tell about yourself after telling them about the book.

Leave technical things like word count until near the end.  A query needs to hook the reader from the first sentence, just like the novel itself does.  Even a few lines of choice dialogue at the introduction can help hook them.

Hang in there.  If you believe in your book, you can make others believe in it too.

How to Write a Query Letter I found this article earlier today. I think it may be helpful. http://www.poewar.com/archives/2004/10/24/how-to-write-a-query-letter/ It has what you are looking for. And states it better then I can.  

I would consider another opening line, some kind of introduction. Make it quick, but it was jarring to go right into it like that. “I am __ and I am currently seeking representation for my novel Revelations, now complete at 88,000 words.” I would drop “She hasn’t slept….terrifying visions.” Maybe try “to A battle for her soul”? Combine your first paragraph with your second, and maybe change around so that her schizophrenia is known earlier? How does it explore the true nature of Hell, because I haven’t been able to draw any conclusion how that is possible from what little I know. Just some suggestions as someone who (like an agent) hasn’t read the book yet.