Heart attack? That’s interesting, I’d honestly not thought of that. Thanks for the advice.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / A Bit of Memory
A young man named Drew walked down a dirty street. His shoulders were slumped, his feet in old, worn sneakers scraped along the ground. He wore ragged jeans and an old flannel shirt a size too big. His dirty brown hair fell raggedly over his eyes.
Drew paused. One hand wandered towards his chest, and pressed against his heart. His face twisted into a brief grimace, and he shook his head. He took two more steps, and stopped again. He leaned against the nearest wall.
With another sigh, he slid down the wall until he was sitting on the cold concrete. One leg was drawn up to his chest, the other extended out. He looked up into the leaden sky, and then closed his eyes.
A girl, the same age, walked up and stopped nearby. She was dressed more neatly, and her short hair was carefully pinned back from her face. She smiled down at the boy but he didn’t even look at her. So, she turned her back to the wall and dropped to the ground beside him.
“It went well,” Christina said.
Drew glanced at her once, rolled his eyes, and went back to staring at the sky. The girl wasn’t bothered much. He’s always like this, even when a normal person would be cheerful. She’d known him long enough not to be put out by his attitude. She also knew not to try and get him to talk. He wouldn’t, and if he got annoyed with her he’d stalk off and vanish for days on end. A few muttered words just weren’t worth the annoyance.
“Well, I’m going home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Drew nodded once. He didn’t even look at her as she left. She’d think he didn’t care at all, except that for some reason he was always early to their meetings. If he didn’t want to see her, would he bother to show up?
The next day, Drew was sitting on the edge of the fountain in front of the city hall. Bright cobalt blue had replaced the previous day’s leaden clouds, so he looked at the far less cheerful sight of passing traffic. Christina walked to his side. This time she was wearing a dress. She was as cheerful as ever.
“Ready?” she asked.
He gave her another terse nod, and this time he actually looked at her. He was having a good day.
“Let’s go, then.”
Drew stood up and started walking, glancing back only once to be sure the girl could keep up. Christina smiled at him and followed. She was very glad she’d remembered to wear comfortable shoes. They might be walking for a while before they found what they were looking for.
After a ten-minute walk, the boy stopped in front of an apartment complex. Drew watched Christina for a few moments, long enough to make her feel mildly uncomfortable. Then, he pointed up at one of the apartments.
“This is the place?” Christina asked.
He gave her a look. His eyebrows went up, his eyes narrowed and his frown deepened marginally. He sighed.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. You wouldn’t be standing there pointing if this wasn’t the place,” Christina said.
He nodded.
“All right. I just wanted to be certain. Let’s get started.”
Another nod, and Drew marched purposefully up to the front door of the apartment building. He opened the door, and stood aside so she could go in first. Christina went in, looking around for the stairwell. He pointed to the door at the end of the left side of the hallway.
They went up to the third story. Christina opened the door and peered out into the hallway. It was empty, which was good. Drew didn’t much like people. He might bolt, and leave her to handle things on her own. The trouble was, she couldn’t. She needed Drew’s ability as much as he needed hers.
Drew had pointed at the third window from the corner of the building, which would be room 305. Christina walked up to that door and knocked. She plastered a bright smile on her face and folded her hands together in front of her. Drew slouched a little behind her and to the left with his hands shoved deeply into his pockets. The door creaked open.
“What is it?” asked a woman’s voice. She hadn’t opened the door all the way, just far enough to peer out. A chain lock kept it from being forced open.
“Hello. I’m Christina. This is Drew,” Christina said. She nodded over her shoulder to the other, who pulled a hand out of his pocket to wave. He was really trying today.
“And?”
“May we come in? We’d really like to speak with you.”
“I don’t even know you.”
“I just told you.” Christina smiled brightly.
“Only your names.”
“Names are the most important thing a person has. The only thing you can give and still keep.” Christina tilted her head and leaned forward. “Justine, let us in.”
“I didn’t tell you my name.”
“No. You didn’t.”
The woman looked even more suspicious than she had, if that was possible. Christina concentrated on looking harmless.
“You’ll never know how I knew your name if you don’t let us in, right? We’re kids. What can we do?” Christina asked. It wasn’t entirely true. She and Drew were fifteen, more teenagers than kids, but they were younger than Justine at nineteen and that should make the older one more confident.
Justine closed the door. Christina and Drew waited patiently, and in about a minute their patience was rewarded. The door opened again, this time wide enough to admit them into the apartment.
This time Drew went in first. He paused in the doorway, looked around once, and turned back to Christina. He nodded, and walked into the apartment. Christina followed. It was a small, one bedroom apartment with a combined living room kitchen area. The only furniture visible was a futon set up as a couch and a couple of milk crates acting as a coffee table. There were boxes stacked in three of the four corners.
“I, um, I just moved in. That’s why everything’s a mess,” Justine said.
“We know. It’s okay.” Christina smiled again.
“Well, why don’t you two sit down? You wanted to talk, right?”
Christina nodded and reached back to tug Drew towards the couch. He liked to loom, but it wasn’t very polite.
They sat down on the futon couch while Justine perched on a folding chair she’d dragged out of the bedroom. There were a few minutes of awkward small talk, mostly about the weather and the view from the window. There weren’t any blinds or curtains hung yet, so there was nothing obstructing the panorama of the city beyond. Finally, Christina decided to just get it over with.
“Why did you move here?” she asked.
“Now, that’s a personal question,” Justine said.
“I’m sorry. But why?”
“I don’t know. I guess I like this city.”
“Really? Where are you from?”
“Oakland,” Justine said, just a hair too quickly.
“Are you sure?” Christina asked.
“What kind of question is that?”
“It’s important. You have to think, very hard,” Christina said. “Where exactly in Oakland did you live? Did you live in another apartment, or a house? How long did you live there? Where did you live before Oakland? Why did you leave?”
Justine shook her head furiously, stood to walk out of the room. Before she’d stalked two paces, Drew was on his feet with his hand on her arm. Justine turned to look at him, anger warring with fear on her features. Christina looked down at her hands, and then got up and went to the window. She hated watching this. It never got any easier, even though she knew it had to be done.
She watched cars drive along the road below. A young couple walked into the park across the street. A few pigeons fluttered around. All in all, everything looked normal. In the reflections on the window, Christina could see Justine and Drew facing each other. One of Drew’s hands extended upwards to cup Justine’s cheek. Their expressions were too blurry to read, but Christina knew. Drew looked sad. Justine was confused, and beginning to be afraid.
“It is time to remember,” Drew said.
Christina winced. She almost never heard his voice, but every time she did it reminded her of when he’d said those words to her.
She’d been summoned to the principal’s office by the intercom, but when she got there the principal was absent and three people in suits were waiting for her. One held a manila file folder with her name on it. One had a small black box. The last was empty handed. She reached for Christina, smiling gently.
Christina had looked up into her eyes. They were unnaturally bright blue. Christina remembered looking into those eyes, though she did not know when or where. Christina screamed, the shriek tearing her throat and sending the three hunters to the ground clutching their ears. Christina didn’t waste time. She bolted from the room and ran for all she was worth.
She hadn’t looked back. She hadn’t dared. That would only slow her down. She ran out of the building and down the street. She’d had no idea where she was going. It hadn’t even occurred to her to go home.
Christina ran out of energy very quickly, only a few blocks from the school. She’d stopped and rested her hands on her knees, bent over and fighting not to retch. Her sides burned and it hurt to breathe. The worst part was she’d known she wasn’t safe yet.
A hand had rested on her shoulder. Christina screamed, without the volume of the earlier sound, and jumped away. A boy near her own age stood there. He looked rough, like he’d been sleeping outside. There was a dead leaf in his hair.
He held out a hand to her. Christina had hesitated, and then looked back towards the school. What if those people followed? She took his hand. He led her through a couple of connected alleyways and over a low wall into a tiny garden.
“Who are you?” Christina finally asked.
He had only shook his head and put a hand on her cheek.
“It is time to remember.”
And she did.
She’d fallen to the ground, sobbing. Drew just sat there with a hand on her shoulder, waiting. Just like he always had. She remembered everything. She remembered him. She remembered how much his hand had shaken when he’d first taken her memories and given her false ones.
Justine took it about as well as she had. She crumpled to the ground with her face in her hands. Soft sounds came from the woman’s throat, almost but not quite sobs. Drew knelt beside her and patted her back, not at all awkward. Christina envied him that calm self-assurance. She never knew what to do when someone broke down.
When Justine had calmed down a little, Christina and Drew left. They didn’t talk any more, because there was no need. Justine now knew as much as they did. Well, she knew as much as Christina. Drew probably knew a few things he hadn’t bothered to share. He was just that type.
As they walked away from the apartment, Christina asked, “Are we doing the right thing?”
Drew lifted one eyebrow inquisitively.
“I mean, all this, it seems like she was happier not knowing.”
Drew shook his head and tapped at his heart. Then he pointed at her and she winced. It had been her idea, really. He’d only been shadowing the hunters, trying to give the ones they targeted a fighting chance. She was the one who thought they should find the others and restore their memories so they could decide on their own what to do.
Drew had not wanted her to join him at first, but her ability made things easier. He could find the others, but he sometimes had trouble getting close to them. Even though he could manipulate memory flawlessly, some emotional residue tended to remain. Because he’d been forced to take their memories, some of the others mistrusted him on sight.
“You’re right. It’s better to know. At least this way she can make her own choices. Do you think she’ll go along, or run away?”
He shrugged, and sighed. He slumped more than usual. These meetings wore him out. At least this time he just looked tired, not in pain. She wasn’t sure why his abilities stressed him so much. Her abilities were as reflexive to use as breathing, now that she remembered she had them.
“Come on. I’ll buy us a nice lunch,” Christina said.
He looked alarmed.
“Someplace small and quiet, I promise.”
Drew looked at her, bit his lip, and finally nodded.
They ended up in a small burger place two blocks away. It was after lunch, but not yet time for dinner so they had the place mostly to themselves. That was why Christina picked it. Drew just didn’t handle crowds well. He’d refused to even look at the waitress when she’d come to take their orders. Christina had just asked for two cheeseburgers with French fries and cokes. She wasn’t sure if Drew liked junk food, actually. They’d never been allowed to eat anything unhealthy when they’d been together. He didn’t object, though, so she figured it was okay.
When the food arrived, Drew attacked it with the single-minded determination of the starving. Christina frowned in concern. Was he eating enough? Where did he get his food, anyway? Where was he staying? She’d asked him those questions before, and received no more reply than his typical sigh and shrug. She’d tried following him once and ended up so lost she had to find a pay phone to call her fake parents to come pick her up.
“So why are they hunting for us now?” Christina asked, waving a French fry through the air.
Drew shrugged without looking up.
“I mean, they went to all the trouble of making you take our memories and placing us with fake families and everything. Now they’re trying to round us up. Why bother?”
Drew munched thoughtfully on a French fry. Well, he looked thoughtful to Christina.
“I just don’t get it. They had us all, and they discarded us. Now they want us back. What for?”
Another shrug.
“Come on, Drew. I know you can talk. I’ve heard you!”
He shook his head, in refusal not denial.
“Seriously. You must have some guesses. Some clue. You were waiting for me, that day. You knew they were after me.”
He nodded. She knew this, had guessed it earlier and he’d confirmed it. He just never said how he’d known.
“Just tell me! There’s no one here to overhear you. Why do you hate to talk?”
He shook his head and stood up. She reached for him but he brushed her off. She left enough money for the food on the table and ran after him, but by the time she got to the door he was out of sight.
“Show off,” she muttered. “I can vanish in plain sight, too. We all can. Wish you’d talk to me.”
There was no point in looking for him. He would show up again when he was good and ready, and not a moment before. He was worse than a cat sometimes. Christina managed a pretty good imitation of his sigh and headed for her house.
Christina’s fake mother smiled and chirped a greeting when she walked into the house. Christina managed to dredge up a believable smile out of someplace. She fled to her room as quickly as she could excuse herself from the woman’s presence.
It wasn’t that Christina disliked either of the people masquerading as her parents. They had always been nice to her, and seemed to genuinely care. It was just that they weren’t really her parents, and the majority of her memories of them were complete fabrication. She could still recall the life she’d supposedly led, like a really vivid dream. It had been nice. She’d been sheltered and taken care of. She supposed she should thank Drew for giving her a nice illusion.
She just didn’t know how to talk to them now. They were really strangers. She wasn’t sure how much they knew. Christina was pretty sure their memories had been altered, too. She wondered sometimes, mostly on dark nights when she couldn’t sleep because of nightmares, whether or not they’d volunteered for the charade. She’d never dared ask. They probably couldn’t answer her questions anyway.
Christina sat down at her desk to do her math homework. She didn’t really care about school, exactly. It was just that homework was so normal. Just then, normal was something to be treasured. She’d only finished three problems when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped, but of course it was only Drew.
She didn’t bother asking how he’d gotten into her room. Drew went where he wanted.
“What’s up? Are they out hunting one of us again?”
Drew nodded, and tugged at her wrist. She got up and followed him downstairs. She wondered about her fake parents and asked him about them. He shrugged and mimed sleeping.
“Okay. What’s up?”
He just tugged at her arm again. They went outside, but only after he’d looked out the windows for a full minute. When he was satisfied, they went. Christina found herself running through the dark streets. She was glad she’d stopped skipping gym class. She didn’t want Drew to leave her behind.
“Where are we going?” she finally asked. She’d had to pull him to a stop. She was in better shape than she had been, but this was too much.
He let her rest for a minute, and then pulled on her wrist. He didn’t start running again, though. He kept his pace to a fast walk.
“Come on, Drew, answer me just this once! What’s going on?”
He shook his head. They were passing under a streetlight just then, so Christina noticed a suspicious glimmer on his cheeks.
“Drew, have you been crying?”
He shrugged.
“Drew, what is wrong? What’s happening?”
He stopped, leaning against a wall. His hand was on his heart again. What was wrong with him? Christina resisted the urge to shake him. She almost made him tell her with her abilities, but she’d promised herself never to do that. She’d seen what it cost him to use his abilities on all of them.
“Please. Just tell me.”
He scrubbed at his face for a moment, and then leaned over until his mouth was almost brushing her ear.
“They killed Justine,” he whispered.
Christina jolted back, her hands going to her mouth. “What? Why?”
He shrugged furiously. He didn’t know, she could see it in his eyes. They’d done some horrible things to them over the years. They’d experimented on them in the beginning. Then they’d made Drew erase their memories and replace them with false ones. Then they’d scattered them to the four winds. Then they’d tried to hunt them down. Now they’d killed one of them. Why? It just didn’t make sense. None of it made sense.
“What happened?” Christina asked again. She had to know. She had to make sense of all of this.
Drew shook his head. He’d said all he was going to. He tugged on her wrist again.
“Why?” she asked. “Where are we going? What’s your plan? Do you even have a plan?”
He shook his head once. No. No, he didn’t have a plan. Christina choked back a sob of her own. Drew always had a plan. He always knew what to do, and how to do it.
He tugged on her arm, but Christina shook her head.
“Running won’t help, Drew. We don’t have anywhere to go. They’ll just keep hunting us. Forever.”
He shrugged.
“No. It does matter. I can’t live like that. You shouldn’t live like that. None of us should. We’re people, Drew.”
He shook his head.
“We have to think this through. We can’t just run forever. What do they want?”
He tapped at his heart, and then made a slashing motion at his throat.
“You dead. No, all of us dead. Why?”
He shrugged.
“I guess we’re dangerous, aren’t we? I guess they’ve given up on making us into weapons, then.”
He nodded.
“So now what? We can’t run forever and we sure can’t cooperate with them. What about fighting? Could we fight them, do you think?”
He shook his head furiously.
“Why not? We’ve got abilities. I could make them run off again, like I did the last time. You could make them forget it. You could make them think we were someplace else. It could work!”
Again he shook his head.
“Why not?”
He spoke again, just one word. “Justine.”
“Justine? She fought? What did they do to her?”
He looked away. Finally, he settled against the nearest wall, sitting just as he had the other day. Christina sat down next to him. He leaned on her shoulder. For a moment Christina remembered being little kids. They’d sat like this in the play area, talking. Actually, she’d talked and he’d listened. He’d say one or two words back then, though. And he’d laughed. Now he just held his heart and looked off into nowhere.
“So what do we do? We can’t run and hide, not forever. We can’t fight. I don’t want to just sit here and wait for them to kill us.”
He shook his head, and leaned closer to her.
“It’s because we know.”
“Because we remember?”
“Yes.”
Christina felt a sudden pang of guilt. She’d been the one to insist on finding the others and making them remember. She’d been the one who decided Justine needed to know the truth. It was her fault Justine was dead.
Drew shook his head once. For the first time, she didn’t believe him. He was trying to tell her it wasn’t her fault, but she knew better. She put her head in her hands. Drew put his hand on her shoulder, but for the first time she wasn’t comforted. They were going to die, and they didn’t even know why.
“I always liked you best,” Drew said. “If you don’t remember, they won’t kill you.”
She tried to push him away, but it was too late. His hand was on her cheek, and she was beginning to forget.
Christina woke with a start. She’d fallen asleep on her math book. She looked at the clock, and then at the book, and winced. She’d only finished three problems and it was already two AM. What had she been thinking?
She closed the book and crawled into bed. It was too late to worry about it now. She’d just have to explain to the teacher in the morning. She’d had a busy weekend after all. Only, she couldn’t quite recall what was so important. It felt like she’d left something undone. Never mind. She turned off her light and closed her eyes.
I like you best.
Now, who had said that? She remembered the voice clearly. Christine strained her memory for a while, and came up with a face to match the voice. A young boy with darkened eyes and unruly hair. He couldn’t be more than ten years old. Who was he? Why had he said that to her? It felt important, but the more she reached for the memory, the further away it slid. Finally, she gave up. He was probably just some kid she’d known in elementary school. There was no reason to lose sleep over some random bit of memory.
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Harold_P reviewed Version 2 -
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Zakari39 reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice story – I was still trying to work out why ‘they’ want rid of people who remember, or can uncover memory in others… it’s certainly a good conspiracy.
I liked the flow of this – Christina’s memories mingling with Drew’s unlocking of Justine.
The opening paragraphs were fine really – it depends what you’re trying to do. I thought Drew had a heart attack when Christina got to him, and that she was chasing him because she was angry with him….
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Reilly616 reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay, so this is ver good, especially the dialogue which is concise and realistic and believabye. I think the problem with the opening paragraphs is that they are not quite clear enough. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening until about paragraph 5. From the offset I thought he was having a heart attack. I think this could be improved upon by adding more description to these lines, padding them out in general. But this is good, well done.
bravis reviewed Version 2 -
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Really good. Gripping. Original. Mysterious. Made me want to read more. I found myself skim reading parts of it though. It might be because it’s the third piece I’ve read and reviewed and I’m getting tired, but it might be to do with the amount of dialogue. I find lots of short snippets of dialogue quite tiring to read if there isn’t some paragraphs breaking it up a little with description of the surroundings, the situation, the characters, etc. You do this well when there’s the flashback. It’s helps break it up a little. I just feel more is needed.
I know what it’s like when you’ve got an exciting story to tell. You want to get onto the action and spending time writing all the bread and butter stuff that sets the scene is tedious, but it’s necessary. Do what I’m doing – I’ve written the exciting stuff and now I’m going back over all of it and shoving in extra paragraphs that set scenes, impart some history, describe a character or show someone’s thought processes.
Good luck with it though. It’s a good read.
garyfagan24 reviewed Version 1 -
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This story kept my attention for a bit, but to give you a bit of help with the first opening paragraph, don’t know if anybody else has suggested this or not, but.
”A young man named Drew walked down a dirty street. His shoulders were slumped, his feet in old, worn sneakers scraped along the ground. He wore ragged jeans and an old flannel shirt a size too big. His dirty brown hair fell raggedly over his eyes.”
You could describe Drew better such as what his build is, what color are his eyes. Does he wear glasses? is he carrying anything?
Adrianrgcampbel reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning is a bit boring. The next day these two kids go to some strangers appartment and get let in ? Why? I got confused as to what was going on. It just seemed too obtuse. What is normality? What is the challenge ? What powers do the kids have ? The kids seem depressed and uncommunicative with each other. I have no interest in what they do or what happens to them. Drew and Christina need to explain the conspiracy. How are they weapons? What do they know? Why does Drew make Christina forget him so suddenly after knowing her since they were little kids?
February 09, 2007
Deleted User
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This is a really engaging piece. Just be sure to break up the paragraphs so that it is easier to read it. Put two spaces between them, and write smaller paragraphs.
solarflare reviewed Version 1 -
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You did a good job writing this story so far. It’s inventive and interesting enough to keep the readers attention. There isn’t much I can comment on in the way of fixing it up, but I can see a few things.
The first sentence doesn’t seem to feel right for some reason. Immediatly introducing Drew with his name just feels a little off. The rest of the descriptions about him are good. I think maybe if you didn’t use his name and just went with the descriptions it would sound and feel better. To introduce his name to us you could have Christine use his name when she first talks to him. Even just include it when she says “Well, I’m going home. I’ll see you tomorrow Drew.” and then continue on with the story. This is just a suggestion so don’t think you have to do it this way. You have a good imagination so I’m sure you could write it in somewhere.
For the plot of the story, I liked what I saw here. It seems some people are experimenting on teenagers, thats what it looks like with the ages of the three so far. It also looks like they have powers of some sort, although I’m not sure if they developed them from the experiments or if in this world of yours people have that sort of thing. The wondering makes me want to find out more about this.
You left out the Why? and How? which is a very good way to start. Starting off slow and building on the story at a good pace is a good way to keep the readers attention and keep them reading. You have done a good job with that.
writergirl66 reviewed Version 1 -
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First of you need more of a capture, ‘a young man, named Drew…’ doesn’t really do it for me, you want your readers to be drawn into the story within the first sentence, at the very most, the first paragraph.
You might just be having a hard time to start, but the story does start rather flat. It sounds like it could be a remarkable book, but my the way the first page is, many won’t read on.
You explained what Drew and Christine look like but you never explained what Justine looks like. And when you do describe them its very bland, he wore this, her hair was that color, adjectives are a good thing, try using them!
When it goes into past tense about Christine hearing the words ‘Its time to remember’ make sure you use past tence words. Its a little cofusing with the words being in present tense, yet something is suddenly going on that wasn’t going on…yeah.
Other than that it is a very interseting beging to what sound like a wonderful story. With a litle more emotion, and ajectives, it should be great! Just make it a little more exciting so that its not too slow.
Valdieron reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey well done here. Some very nice writing. Solid structure, pacing and dialogue. Some of it seems a little long-winded, but perhaps that is due to the one-sided dialogue and the need to describe using actions rather than dialogue for Drew.
You ask how to re-work the first couple of paragraphs, I would suggest taking them out. They are only used to describe Drew, which can easily be addressed later on, perhaps in the eyes of Christina?
Pretty much all I can suggest is working on the showing vs telling. The rest is pretty good. Perhaps a bit more of a description of Christina as well.
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