The author’s ability to “see” is not defined by grammatical construction, but by his natural ability to embrace myriad subtleties abounding through his sensitive being.
Anthony
Poetry / Sparrow
SPARROW
Dead on the path,
neatly folded, not mauled,
no branches above to fall from,
as though the cold
had reached its pea-sized heart
between wing beats.
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Anthpec reviewed Version 1 -
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A brief poem with an impressive vision:
“as though the cold
had reached its pea-sized heart
between wing beats.”
To be able to “see” does not require wordiness or structure as much as an open heart.
In less than six lines, this poet unleashes a potent and compassionate vision; not with length but with natural insight!
Anthony
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lolanation reviewed Version 1 -
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short, concise.
not sure what the writer is aiming for with this piece or what type of criticism I could offer to make it any better.
It did not move me one way or other.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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the cold had reached its pea-sized heart between wing beats is a lovely line. But on the whole, I am not sure of the meaning except to encounter a dead sparrow on a path. How does one fold a sparrow or how does it get folded? Perhaps you could speak of more sparrow-ness rather than an object on the road but put that wonderful line to good use.
Cavol reviewed Version 1 -
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The Sparrow is probably the most popular bird in poetry. Even if this is true and you actually saw a sparrow dead on the road, I’d change that so something less written about like a pigeon. There also seems to be an awkward shift in the line, “as though the cold”. There may be some subject confusion going on there. Maybe if you began again there: “the cold must have…”. What I can’t come up with a comparable suggestion for is the ending. I don’t think this needs length but it ends too abruptly.
Sethleonst reviewed Version 1 -
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ITS TOO SHORT!
I loved it although I believe you could replace “pea0sized heart” with some us, something more ominous or heavy if that makes any sense. But i can’t think for the life of me how to describe a sparrows heart lol.
I guess the lenght is good for the type of passage it is. Short and too the poing. Beside that one word change I see nothing wrong with it.
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