Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Damien's Desire

Very, very good story.  Your newness to writing shows through.  Story needs much tightening up.  You tend to talk to much, as do I.  But what a very good story and I like the way you entered new information.  In my opinion, you have the makings of a very very good writer with a little training.  I actually want to know what happens.  You have the skill of laying out each new piece of information in a very easy flow.  Good story.  Keep on writing.  Enjoyed it mvery much….

I feel a little stupid, as I read pt2 first and made a suggestion without knowing what you had written in part one. The writing is consistantly good.  You give a realistic feeling to your writing (I can easily picture what you describe) I think though that my sugeestion made about pt 2 still stands.  I think you will have a more powerful story if Damien’s true nature is kept unknown for as long as possible.  Let the feel of the story slowly evolve from innocent high school love to whatever horrors and surprises you have planned.  I look forward to pt 3.

Pretty good story so far. (You’ve read Twilight, haven’t you? I just did, so this seems a little take-off-ish to me – especially Damien’s mind reading/controlling – but maybe just because of my bias. Either way, we never can have too many vampire stories!) Your plot seems fairly solid, except perhaps for the easy way he discounts being already enrolled in the school when he never did. (Seems like that ought to seriously freak him out, or at least perturb him.)

Paragraph 2 and throughout: Although you’re describing/talking about Damien, you shouldn’t start almost every sentence with “He…” Reword some such sentences – or reorganize them – for more sentence variety. Along those same lines, you also use “the” too much.

Italicize his thoughts. (You can do that online by putting < i > on one end and < / i > on the other … without the spaces in between, of course.)

He put the car in reverse, and backed it slowly out of the storage unit. – Take out the comma.

...he figured it was full of the same old lust-filled teenagers. – “full” and “filled” are repetetive. Use a different word in place of one of the.

He pulled into the crowed parking lot, and looked around him in amazement. The creatures were extraordinary! The girls were clad in clothing that would hardly have been appropriate even five years ago! And the juvenile boys! Where did they find this clothing!? – Take out the comma in the first sentence. “The creatures” is a very odd way to describe high school students. I think I know (or I can guess) why you used it, but it sounds awkward. The repetition of “clothing” is also a bit awkward. You overuse exclamation points. For full effect, you should use them liberally and very rarely on two sentences in a row. If you really want that emphasis, use italics to bring out certain words.

He pulled his car into the first available slot, and killed the engine. He opened the door, and casually climbed out. – If the list is only two items long, you use “and” instead of a comma (so the commas in these sentences need to be taken out). (I’m not going to point out further comma errors like these if I find any.)

Her hair was long and blonde, and her eyes were a pure blue. ... Her eyes were a light blue, like the sky on a clear day. – Notice that you described the color of her eyes twice. Take out one description (probably the first).

Damien ignored the annoyance in her voice, and handed her the sketchbook, with a smile he added, “Do forgive me.” – This is a run-on. Try Damien handed her the sketchbook, ignoring the annoyance in her voice as he smiled and said, “Do forgive me.”

Using his power to send thoughts and persuade people, he told her to see to him immediately. – Superpowers have to be treated delicately else they’re sure to sound cheesy, as does this sentence. What I think you need here is to show him using his power rather than bluntly telling that he’s using it. If you follow “show don’t tell” you can also bring out his chauvinism and describe how this power works.

Sometimes being immortal and having advantages over others had its perks. – “Having advantages over others” does not have perks – it is a perk. This would be better put as just “Being immortal had its perks.”

When Damien left her mind, the fog cleared from her eyes and she shook her head, as if to clear her mind. – The way you reuse “clear” and “mind” here makes it sound really redundant. Crack open a thesaurus and find some different words.

“Yes of course, dear, I see that you are enrolled in school. – You already used the phrase “enrolled in school”. You might instead say something like “Ahh… here you are. Damien McLennan. I’m pulling up your file now.”

He had been fully prepared to argue that he had come up here with his parents – though he didn’t have any – and enrolled. – This sentence just doesn’t seem to have all the necessary information. You could further develop the argument that he had prepared (i.e. He came with his parents and talked to Principal Donneley who said that he would take care of everything, etc.) Just a touch more information about how he’s lying. (As simple as stating that he hasn’t been anywhere near the school in years – or ever, as the case may be.)

“So darling,” Damien continued, “what to people do in this town for fun?” – You need a comma after “so”.

He was a tad please. – I’m guessing that you mean “a tad pleased.”

Damien ended up being surrounded by many girls, but none of them was kylie. – Capitalize her name.

Your last sentence isn’t bad or anything, but it doesn’t sound like a last sentence. Rather, as a last sentence, it’s so abrupt as to be humorous. (I laughed.)

This is not a bad start.  I love vampire stories, so you’ve got me and many others as an audience to market to.  I like the idea that he looks to be a teenager and is going to high school.  You give a lot of mystery in the opening chapter to keep the reader interested in what is going to happen.  Has he been gone for some time?  He doesn’t know what rap is and he is driving a 67 mustang.  He’s unaccustomed to the bells ringing.  These are all nice shows that he has been out of commission for a while.  

The main problem I see with the telling of the story is a bit of wordiness.  The listing of descriptions rather than showing the characters looks through action.  And the over used of to be verbs such as was, were, has, had, have…

I’ll give you some examples of what I mean.  Wordiness…

He glanced at his reflection in the rearview mirror. He smiled and gave himself a devilish wink.

These two sentence could be condensed to give a stronger impact.  He glanced into the rearview mirror, smiled and devilishly winked.

The description of Damian for example is a list rather than showing.  Explain his looks through motion.  He was gorgeous.  Two hundred pounds of pure muscle on his 6’3” frame.  His black shirt covered his washboard stomach.  He combed his fingers through his shaggy black hair and winked with is bright blue eyes.  He smiled exposing his perfect teeth and pointed incisors, apreciating his reflection.  He was perfect.

Anyway, I hope the examples help to show what I mean.  Good job overall.

This is a tight, well-written piece. I hope you find the motivation to finish, as I’m certainly motivated to read more. Great imagery! Your description of the teen girls brings out the dirty-old-man in me. Good dialogue; very believable confrontation between Damien and Kylie.

A few issues on sentence structure;

‘He was about 6”3,  200 lbs. And the weight wasn’t fat. It was solid muscle.’ Little wordy. Maybe try; He stood six foot three and carried two hundred pounds of solid muscle.’ Makes for a stronger description.

‘He had the perfect washboard stomach and everything. He had shaggy black hair,. . .’ Good description, but try to change from passive voice to active; His washboard stomach, shaggy black hair,. . .and perfect face all created the ideal specimen. . ‘ or some such thing. To the most part, try to avoid passive voice in narrative.

‘Why would they ever call this music?’ Another example of passive voice. Most of this paragraph flows nicely, pulling the reader along. Suggest change this one sentence to; ‘”Why do they call this music?”’ Read both aloud. I think you’ll agree the active voice is stronger.

‘She bent down to retrieve the notebook she had apparently dropped’ Just a little awkward. Maybe; ‘She bent down to retrieve her dropped notebook.’ ‘Apparently dropped’ sounds ambiguous. Did she drop it or didn’t she. Nitpicky, but important.

‘So unaware that although they thought of themselves as the top of the food chain, they were so not.’ Again, awkward and wordy. Maybe try; ‘They were so unaware, these kids. They all believed they were top of the food chain. They were so wrong.’ Same basic structure, just broken up into three sentences. Makes it a little easier to follow.

Overall; an interesting, sophisticated work. There’s obviously something totally creepy about Damien. Does he actually have some special power, or is he delusional? You leave me wanting to learn more. Keep writing!

The second paragraph. I would drop the line. “And the weight wasn’t fat.” and go with  ”He was solid muscle”  It sounds and reads more professional. If you can avoid use “and everything” like you have done in this sentences “perfect washboard stomach and everything.” looks like you don’t care about finding the right words to make the flow the best it can be. You wrote that Kylie  was waring ” She wore a tight black shirt, and low rise jeans” She flips her long blond hair and has no problem liking sexy like the other girls and acts as if she is better then Damien McL. No where in your description does it say or show any vunurability in her personality. That’s how it reads to me. . Because then you write  ”They were all scantily clad in tight sweaters and short skirts” “He really didn’t see the appeal of the young girls. They were too aware of their good looks. They did not need reinforcement like Kylie. You are saying one thing but showing another. So I would change one of your description of Kylie. The story is interesting and could be made into a good story with a little editing. Nice job.

Man everybody writes about vampires now don’t they?  That’s cool though I love vampires, so that’s a good thing.  This was pretty good too.  Glad to see the main character hates rap.  Keep writing