Poetry / My Hands Bleed Wrong for Two Seconds.

interesting piece

i like the characters and images and crazy action

i like how its a little detached
a little insane

but not completely

i think that this poem is about a guy dying
thats how i read it
and i love the mishmash of thoughts and nonsense
it seems to me thats how death will be
nonsense and questions

cool piece

its just a bit hard to discern
and may need some clarification for the average reader to be able to hook into it
although
i really like your language choices and flow
and even if the reader doest get any meaningi think you can appreciate the words
but
i would try and solidify the meaning a bit if i was you

nice

This poem has a lot of potential, and what’s already written is quite good.  There are few grammatical errors, ie: “iFlows,” “lemonaded,” “apart.”  Also, be wary writing things that make sense to you, as the writer, but do not to the reader.  I have a lot of difficulty with this as well.  For example, while this is a great section, it seems nonsensical: “Jesus snatched all the little bits and pieces of her up and made dolls for all the cancer-stick children.”  One of the strongest lines is “It kills mothers and smashes them into the plaid of their dresses.” – Try using more seemingly concrete imagery like these and avoid the intangible such as “the lucrative fire made dollars out of her air-shredding screams.”

wild milk iFlows  from his internal lightning
it shapes, it changes into the bone-crushing power of alone.
I’m assuming you mean “flows” instead of iFlows. “It changes…of alone” seems too much of a cliche, turning “alone” into an abstraction. What does that mean? This first stanza sounds nice, but it lacks coherency.  What is the significance of “wild milk”?

It kills mothers and smashes them into the plaid of their dresses. I remember one mother, the lucrative fire made dollars out of her air-shredding screams and towers of lemonaded blood.
Now this is more prose than poetry. What is “it”? That is still unclear. I like the phrase “smashes them into the plaid of their dresses.” But again, this phrase is too prosey- needs line breaks and less explanation. “I remember one mother, the lucrative fire…” is grammatically incorrect. “Towers of lemonaded blood”? Meaning the blood of mothers because lemonade signifies mothers?

Jesus snatched all the little bits and pieces of her up and made dolls for all the cancer-stick children.
Again, this is prose, not poetry. The word “up” can be taken out. “Cancer-stick”? Do you mean cancer-sick, or that the children were stick-thin because of cancer? I’m really not understanding the theme of this poem.

I think it’s sad, neon bigotry who forgot me in the stark of my wide, wide desert. Pictures and fusion and flight and magic and strangulation, everything all together are my brethren and my breath.
I think this part is the most poetic. I like the sound of “Pictures and fusion and flight and magic and strangulation, everything all together are my brethren and my breath.” but it should be “IS my brethren” not “ARE my brethren”. Neon bigotry? What?

It’s too hard to become apart of everything, it’s too good.
I like this phrase, but it seems like it’s trying to sum everything up, when none of the other “stanzas” seem to fit together. I think overall it is too vague. It would work better as a prose piece than as a poem.

I really like this piece.

I think you have a typo on the first line “iFlows” “it flows”? Unless I’m just not getting something.

Really great vivid images!!

The only thing I would change would be the line break in the last stanza. When I read it aloud, it seems like a rush and tumbling of words through the 2nd and most of the 3rd stanza, but when you get to the last line it feels like you need a pause to pack the last punch. So I’d suggest letting the last line stand alone.