Poetry / selfSurgery.

I find that lines one and two are a strong opening.  The lines display excellent texture, and the image constructed in the first translates a definite energy.  This flows well into the ‘struggling’ verbs of line two.  However, I think that “they” is a poor choice of word.  I’d suggest “these,” but I’m sure that there is something better available.  To reiterate the above, the only other weakness I see is in the end of line two; specifically, the phrase “your loving” seems a bit ambiguous.  A crisp image about this love would draw the reader in more effectively, I believe.  Line three and four are interesting-the statement definitely calls forth some contemplation.  Personally, I’d have probably said the opposite.  It would be more rational, in light of the earlier metaphor of surgery, to call the wish for life an attempt to heal the incurable, death.  However, perhaps you could clarify why you chose the wording you did.

Line five is an effective statement-too often, the poet fails when making such a direct call.  It seems quite in place here.  By comparison, line six seems a bit weak.  Again, it is a direct statement, demanding that the reader ought not scream-could you, instead, tell us why the screams should not be present?  As for line seven, this usage of “you” is the most well-placed in the poem, I believe.  It’s a toss-up, really, on whether it detracts from or adds to the poem as a whole.  It would probably be best to leave it.

Line eight could benefit from the reintroduction of a strong concrete-perhaps, bring back the idea of stitching or sewing the skin.  This could also add an extra punch to the preceding lines.  Also, it would set up to lead into line nine’s concept of wholeness and healing with a strong picture in the reader’s mind.  Line nine, about all I’d suggest in the current draft is to consider the removal of “keep” (with the addition of a comma in the previous line).  It seems to give a better rhythm, reading in my head.  Otherwise, it does the job.  Line ten is tends toward ambiguity again; I’m not sure what the “imperfection of pain” really has to do with the rest of the work.  Also, it doesn’t seem to hammer the point home.  Another line or two to stitch together the work may be in order.

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January 27, 2006

by Aachen

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I just noticed that I quite possibly (being a bit absent-minded) didn’t post the first paragraph of the review with the rest.  Just in case:

I thought that this work was an excellent draft; you’ve got a grasp on the language and, it seems, a sense of restraint.  My first suggestion:  The usage of “you” is a device I’ve come to see as easily overused.  It becomes easy to start telling the viewer, rather than showing him or her, what you wish to relate.  I would suggest reworking this draft to remove the direct appeal to the reader, especially in lines one, two, and and eight-although I feel the work would be strongest with these instances excluded entirely (with one exception that I can’t decide my opinion on).

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My criticism is mostly compliments.  This is really great.  It has such a clear and distinct voice and the descriptions, vision, and details are very graphic and real.  Some of the language reads as difficult (“and tear against your loving,” & “the death that heals life, that incurable.”), but I like that and it’s worth the reread.  It’s a very good display of language.

I’d love to hear this read aloud.

this feels like an excellent beginning to a deeper piece, maybe the first of several in the same vein – as it were. the subject matter is very deep in a base nature sort-of-way…there’s a lot of opportunity to dig.  thanks for sharing this.

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November 28, 2005

by tigerlight

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Thanks man. I’ve noticed that you keep mentioning that I need to use a thesaurus. Here’s the thing. I’ve been in two poetry classes before, and if you were to read my shit before, it’s so full of metaphors and enormous words that it made no sense. Big words can sometimes destroy your piece, because it detracts from the flow, the vibration, the majesty of simplicity. I appreciate the criticism much though.

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This is awsome, I love it, You could use a thesaurus on some parts though. But your vision is excellent, your metaphore to the sugeon is great. my favorite is those last three stanzas it just grabs the reader by the throat, fuckin excellent! I’d love to read more of your shit, keep writhing