Poetry / Vaginal Exercise in Personification

well the only thing is that there are a couple spelling errors.
i really like how you compared this all to a car and then also the real life situations like the blood in the toilet water (ew god too many times have i seen that knowing what it was from).  
i like this piece very much thank you so much for sharing your work!

(haha there are like amillion other reviews for this one)

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February 03, 2006

by cindykelly

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
178	87.5% (72 votes)	41.6%

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31	F	Amsterdam, OH	April 16

Ny_writer:  It’s TOO flat.  Just thought you’d like to know.  Many people on here are a little unversed in the art of distinguishing between to/too/two.

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Brilliant writing. Your symbolism of comparing the female body to the car is wonderful, your language is impeccable, the irony is perfect, and this evokes exactly the feeling I imagine that you’re going for. As a 35 year old childless woman, this made even my womb tingle, despite the fact that I don’t even want kids! But even though your description indicates the focus on marriage and kids, I think this piece covers much more than that, re: female sexuality in general. I’m going to go read anything else that you’ve posted now :).

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January 02, 2006

by tulip

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16	100.0% (4 votes)	58.3%

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28			November 06

[QUOTE] Creative, I want to under stand this piece fully though….Are you writing about wanting marriage, a family before it is too late? The pregnant thing makes me think that you can’t have a child, but it also confused me about the gasoline part? It made you sound like a slut??please explain

“I’ve even had my tank filled with regular and premium in the same day,
But i’m not pregnant again.�

Also with the structure of this piece is it made to be a spoken piece??  [QUOTE]

First of all this is a spoken piece.
Second, the desire is for a child, the desire to have a child to care for and love. The tank being filled is not as much an expression of sluttiness as much as an expression of despiration, trying so hard to get pregnant that you resort to having as much sex as you can. Then, all that is followed by the desperation and sadness when you get your period and you are not pregnant again…

January 02, 2006

by tulip

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16	100.0% (4 votes)	58.3%

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28			November 06

[QUOTE] It’s solid, it’s sad, it’s woman today, not pregnant, not married and longing for something real in our bullshit existence known as contemporary society. I like it. But I hate poems with the word I in them. This poem would be so much better if you used She or her. Just an opinion, it’ll help keep you from being acused of self indulgence, it will help come across as the truth, instead of the truth acording to you. [QUOTE]

It is written in my own voice because it is my truth. The piece is meant to be self-indulgent and selfish. It adds to the point that it is designed to allow the reader to read it and make it their own voice. Using “she” would take the personal nature away from it and take it further away from the personal experience of a woman.

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you have quite a gift for description. i love the use of the “sultry” summer day.

i do think that at times you take the personification/metaphor too far, as in the scrap yard stanza.

i also think you can benefit from leaving phrases like “my will to live” and “i will long” out.

Being a women in her 20’s I can totally see where you’re coming from. I didn’t have to stretch my imagination far to feel the pain you share. But even if I weren’t a woman, I’m sure because of how well written this is, I’d feel the pain and anguish and confusion of not being pregnant… again.

The only thing I really don’t like is the blending of different tones. For instance, the first part of the poem you compare yourself to a car. I think that’s fine and dandy. Then suddenly the poem makes a swift turn and leaves all car metaphors behind and switches to a more bitter tone.

But maybe that’s purposeful. If so, great job! ;)

A few minute errors:
First line – “I’m” instead of “I’”
Line 6 – spark pugs? ;) feisty dogs? or maybe you meant spark plugs. hehe.
Line 8 – Capitalize “i’m”
Line 13 – Capitalize “i’m” and spelling error on jalopie/jalopy.
Last line – “I’m” instead of “I;m”

Thanks for sharing this!

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December 27, 2005

by cripplingllama

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25			April 22

oh yeah, forgot about that.

LOVED THE TITLE!!

very creative, and helps set the overall tone of the poem!

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