Wile E. Coyote Wins Record Payout Over Looney Tunes Negligence
- Star awarded $850 million in landmark legal victory
For Bi…Ronal McAchtung in Hollywood, California.
World-famous actor Wile E. Coyote was celebrating last night after winning record damages for work-related injuries sustained during his 40-year screen career with Warner Bros. Studios and its Looney Tunes subsidiary.
After a lengthy legal battle, which included sensational testimony from other Looney Tunes stars who also sustained serious injuries during filming, including Foghorn Leghorn, Marvin The Martian and Sylvester The Cat, Mr Coyote was awarded $850 million for his ‘sustained exposure to danger and repeated injuries caused by severe negligence’.
Warner Bros., Looney Tunes and wacky gismo manufacturer Acme Co. were all named in Coyote’s lawsuit and all three could now face a flood of similar claims from other seriously injured cartoon stars.
Last night, Mr Coyote was at his Malibu home and could not be reached for comment. However, speaking outside court, his lawyer Charles Quimby told reporters: ‘On behalf of my client, I would like to thank the judge for this settlement. After almost half a century of being hit with anvils, crushed by boulders, blown up by dynamite and repeated falling from extremely high canyon walls, it is no more than Mr Coyote deserves.
‘Our case proved that Looney Tunes Studios consistently ignored even basic safety guidelines. For example, when Mr Coyote was required to fall from a cliff to the dusty canyon floor below, no nets were ever provided. The best he got was a trampoline or a giant spring, which would only catapult him back into a rocky overhang, which itself would invariably break off and whistle back down to earth. This was simply reckless behaviour on the part of the studio.
‘Acme Co. were equally culpable for my client’s distress, as their products were regularly found to be dangerously faulty. Their dynamite often exploded in Mr Coyote’s hand, causing him to totter about in a dazed state, and quite frankly I consider their rocket-propelled roller-skates to be nothing short of a menace.
‘The defendants may argue that my client managed a full recovery after a few days of wearing bandages, but bandages do not heal mental scars. However, with today’s settlement, my client can put this ordeal behind him and enjoy the retirement he so richly deserves.’
A spokesman for Looney Tunes, Mr Elmer Fudd, confirmed the legendary studio would be appealing against the judge’s decision. He told reporters: ‘Why, that wascally Coyote won’t get away with this! He signed a contwact and he knew what he was letting himself in for. I myself took many a shotgun bwast to the face in the line of duty, mainly because that darn wabbit…
‘We will, of course, be appealwing against the decision. Huh huh huh huh. No further questions.’
However, many observers believe it is only a matter of time before other Looney Tunes stars launch their own legal actions. One such star, self-styled ‘comedy legend’ Daffy Duck, who testified on Coyote’s behalf during the trial, has already confirmed that he is consulting his lawyers.
Reading a prepared statement following the verdict, Mr Duck said: ‘Say, Mac, what am I? Some kinda sap?! All the years I spent getting my beak blown clean off my face and I didn’t get a dime! It’ssss dessspicable! Well now it’s payback! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-hoo-whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!’
However, Coyote’s co-star and arch on-screen nemesis of 40-years, The Roadrunner, would not comment on the case. Amid speculation that he has signed a ‘gagging order’ with the studio, he would not be drawn on the verdict, saying only ‘Meep Meep!’ before shooting off in a cloud of dust.
Bi
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Ah, so it’s not just me. laugh
“For a moment, I actually thought I was reading this in the paper.”
And for Wiley in Hungary, you’re right. Enclose a cartoon or two, in the package with this piece. It makes for a learning package on TWO levels, visual and written.
You go, girl!
Heather
Again, another great read. You have a talent and should send these into the Onion. Sidenote: I checked your myspace and asked to be added. Good job of using other famous cartoon loser charaters in the piece.
This is very creative, but it assumes that those studying English know the characters involved. I don’t know if that’s your market base, but I would see about other markets too. I personally know most of these characters, but in many countries they may be unknown. I’m currently teaching English in Hungary and would love to use this but it would mean nothing to most of these 9th graders who barely get sponge bob here now. Just a thought. It goes without saying that your writing style is believable. I especially like Elmer Fudds “waskaly” and the Roadrunner’s ”meep meep”. I can actually see the cartoons in my head as I read these lines and I love it. keep writing…
Brilliant! Hilarious! Ingenius! I’m jealous! This is totaly something I could see myself writing, but I’m glad you thought of it because now I get to enjoy it from the other side of the proverbial page. You did the subject matter sweet justice (no pun intended) and seriously made my day.
All the great clasiscs were there and you reference them with such ease. Bravo!
That said, a few areas could use some touching up.
Paragraph 11, you said: “what he was letting himself into…” was that a typo or was that intentional? I wasn’t sure so I thought I’d ask.
Also in the final paragraph roadrunner has a ‘gagging order’ the correct term for which I believe is gag order, but again, I wasn’t sure if you had some alterior intention that I may have missed.
Thanks for an entertaining read. That’s all Folks!
February 11, 2007
Never before have I seen someone actually do a news story on a cartoon character. However, you took it to an entirely new level.
The text description of Elmer Fudd’s voice made me think back to the cartoons I used to watch as a kid, bringing back some fond memories.
For a moment, I actually thought I was reading this in the paper. Thanks for the laugh. Good piece.
Good writing and good luck.
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