well masher you’ve served up some delightful critique.
I can see a bit of romance going a little too far and clouding the clarity that the contrast of “rough edges” gives. Much appreciated intelligent review, thank you.
Poetry / Soul Sniffing
Of all the marvelous things that happened today
most striking was the cat sniffing the sole of my shoe.
Aware I was of all my previous trespasses;
the kitchen scents, construction gravel, damp streets,
the heat generated by the light in the activist’s eyes catching fire in my heart
the quickened step, meeting an old friend,
visiting the recovering Heroin addict finally able to hold down a job,
with only a little punctuality problem.
The familiar turf and coffee stains on tile,
smile from one with struggles in our past,
generosity streaming through the leaf turning into rest
after a season’s work is done is the carpet I walk upon.
All the broken dreams on Pioneer Square webbing underneath each footfall,
the knots in the trees; their story in the old man’s reminisce
and the schizophrenic’s card playing reverie.
The walk home and trembling of hands
as delirium tremens shakes the homeless man
while he awaits the medics – he talks of jumping off bridges.
Her hair behind the espresso machine
flung from turn on knob of steam wand,
hands guiding milk into chocolate.
The wild eyes of excitement telling of the newest
musical phenomenon attracts songs from the very night,
playing them for this audience
and the cat knows,
he knows!
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AVRP reviewed Version 4 -
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I love this peice! I think it can greatly be approved upon though. Try keeping the same number of lines in each stanza. This will make it visually more appealing and flow much better.
Also remember to capitalize the first letter of each line. This will help with the aesthetic look of the poem too.
Very well done!
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gmemi reviewed Version 4 -
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Great flow. I like that you really went for it. To take a backwards trip of scents from the nose of a cat is a pretty interesting theme. I like where you took me, but I think I like the general feel and sense of style even more.
mash reviewed Version 4 -
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See, I knew there was a reason I liked cats.
The title caught my eye and piqued my interest. I wasn’t disapointed. This piece is raw and succinct – but very poetic in it’s imagery. I appreciate that one tiny event seemed the most significant in a day that was full of…well, life. I wanted this piece to be rough around the edges, because life is, so some of the wording disapointed me with it’s formality: “visiting the recovering” and “generosity streaming” both lost some of the edgy appeal of the other words. The topic was novel and the execution appealing. High marks!
Frogking reviewed Version 4 -
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Interesting journey with you through the day. A nice touch starting off with the cat and then ending with him to explain the significance of his sniff. I like all the little details in what you see.
October 07, 2007
Deleted User
Review of Version 3 -
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I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. You took my focus off of rhyme scheme and gave me an image of walking along the city streets. Not only did it give me the imagery to make me feel like I was taking a little journey, it also made me feel like I had meet some people along the way. So many characters, that were excellently described and without having to go indepth. I REALLY enjoyed this poem, it seems you were painting a picture of your place in the world, and you did a wonderful job. Excellent work.. Keep writing and posting. This ones going into my Fav’s.
Noah reviewed Version 3 -
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This is amazing ! My comment is caught in my throat . uuuhhh . . . . .
You “call the songs within” me ,for sure , “from the very night ” of my present state .
It’s been a long time , and I won’t waste your credits to say hi , but . . . .
This poem/Story inspires me like I’ve been living for it , up till now .
Thank you !
The cat knows .
I’ll send you a message .
Psykotic reviewed Version 4 -
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I wasn’t quite sure of the position of the man and the woman respective of each other. Perhaps there is soething I am not getting.
Plus I think the progression is choppy. It seems like you’ve jumped around a lot. If I hd some idea where to place what I would have liked this piece better.
I also didn’t like much of the imagry, it seems like you’re trying too hard to be abstruse.
On the other hand I thought that it was interestingly put together. The ending was lost on me, but not because it was bad, because it spoke more to me than I can take in at the moment, which is a feather in your cap.
I’ll buy you a coke if you buy me some scotch.
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