Poetry / Mary and the fe'e

This is a beautiful story.
I only have notes for structure that could improve this poem formally.
It’s good as is, but it could be better[a materpeice]:

• Remove the ampere signs they don’t add any style points while reading, saying “and” aloud is not necessary, they break the two word form you’re trying to keep – using “&” is cheating the form.

• Instead of having a 2 word form, try using a standard meter,
  I think dimeter would work well for this poem, and take it to a new level of artistry.

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February 22, 2007

by Lex

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52	M	Fort Worth, TX	April 23

I have mixed reactions to Loba’s excellent perceptions.

On the one hand, ampersands are often bad form or appropriate only for convenience in writing quickly.  Louisa May Alcott’s later writings and correspondences seemed full of ampersands.  Perhaps she was trying to get her words down as quickly as possible.

OTOH, the pace here is quick and the visual format is compact and concise.  So the ampersand seems to work better in place of “and” to maintain the quick pacing.

The ampersand cannot be pronounced but it can be used as a visual cue to the reader for interpreting how the poem might be read.

February 15, 2007

by EM

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Thank you for the great notes. Will have a look at reconstructing to see how it fits. thank you. alofa tele. EM

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I think its cool that you tried to incorporate some personal culture into your creative endeavours.  As a polynesian myself, I understand what you are trying to do, I’m just not sure I understand what you have done.  I don’t know if there was supposed to be a mythical reference or culturally relevant context but the role of the octopus in the death of this man is foreign to me.  The fact that this piece raises a few questions probably means you have done something right.  

There is a spiritual sense underlying this, with a “fearless” Mary, and the death of the old man.  Is that THE Mary? Hmmm…

Anyway, its a notable piece and one I would venture to examine again after some discussion.

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February 17, 2007

by EM

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Malo le soifua,
thanks for the review. The poem is not based on any myth, however it is told in the style of a myth or fagogo (fable). The storyline if you like is of an old woman, perhaps a demi-god representing death, who lives in a cave. She uses an octopus to do her bidding – like a grim reaper – except that the octopus finds its near-death victim and hugs them until they die, which to me is beautiful and sad. Let me know if it is conveyed in the poem. I am going to edit it again after considering all the feedback. thanks again. tofa soifua – Maria

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This sounds like it is a fable from Samoa. It works in that sense. As for the writing, consider taking out a “over over,” not all of them, but there is an overkill with 8 overs. Try four unless there is a reason for all eight. The beginning of the second section,
“Come fe’e.
Come she
called him”
Is a little tricky to read, the flow stumbles a little here. Perhaps its the use of “come” so close and “she” and Fe’e rhyme. The flow of the piece is quick, and here it trips up the reader and slows the reader down. I think a small change would open it up to match the reast of the poem. Good Luck.

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February 15, 2007

by EM

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Thanks for the review. you are right about the overs. the word e in fe’e is pronounced e as in egg and the ’ signifies a missing “k” or glottoral stop – so in effect the word has two syllables. I will also look at revising that part. thanks so much for you time. cheers – M

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This piece was very strange. Quite unusual.

The reptition that is used is also a bit strange. May I ask what the reptition is ment to represent?

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February 15, 2007

by EM

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Hi there. Thanks for the review. It was a performance poem and the repetition was in the style of a chidren’s story. However, I think I overcooked the repeating of over over over – perhaps that is just a performance left over since your voice and body actions can individualise each “over”. thanks for taking the time to review my work. cheers – EM

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it’s definately interesting, and different than anything i have read. but at the same time i did have a little trouble reading through it. i like that it tells a story though… all folklore-ish like. it’d be easier to review if i had other work like this to compare it to.

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February 15, 2007

by EM

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Thank for the review.  

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This has the feel of a traditional folk story intended to be orally recited for children, perhaps in a sing-song manner.  The use of repetition is a familiar way to pass along oral traditions.

Even for an adult reader it’s fun and even a bit spooky.  I wonder whether there is more to the story of Mary who, among other things, cannot fear?  She sounds like a mysterious, even malevolent figure.

this was a good poem if you laid it out right ,i would have done so like this
tenticals climbed over mary who could not see not hear not feel not fear
then so on and so on,the poem didnt make much sence but poetry dont have to i give you a 5