Poetry / Live Your Words and Speak Your Actions

Don’t expect me to make the move
Ill spill my drink again
Covering up all the words you said
It’ll stain your carpet truth
You have nothing left to lose here
And nothing else to prove
You point your fingers at me
But at least my lies tell the truth
I see through you
And everyone else who is waiting here for everyone
Just leave me alone
Run to the west and catch the sun
And bring the dark with you
For this night bears no love
And the sky no moon
You dimmed the stars that light my way
As I followed you
Ill find my way home soon

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Reviews

July 03, 2007

Onager

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
172	94.7% (76 votes)	31.8%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
42	F	Augusta, GA	October 12

Onager reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This poem has an almost tribal feel to it, like it would be passed down as a story by mouth. Yet the beat is off – it needs just a little work on some of the lines. Go back and even them up by reducing some of the sentences by one word and adding a word/syllable to others. I’ve done it just sitting here with the first couple of lines and you don’t have to change the meaning at all.

If you do that, this poem will go from an 7 to a 9 I believe. I think it is a good description of an honest person who calling those who ‘front’ and poke fun at honesty and simplicity to task. I hear this person saying how dark their souls are and how they make the world a darker place just by being in it. But even so, it is still THEIR world too.