Short Story / Filling Me

I think this was meant to be put in poetry. It’s not in proper prose, and it doesn’t bear any marks of a story. So i’ll review it as a poem.
I don’t particularly like it, but i’m hypersensitive about poetry anyway, so i’m very hard to impress, so don’t take that to heart. I think sorrow and love have been done to death in poetry, and the ability to defamiliarise is too difficult. Everything has been said, so nothing can be said without sounding cliched. One thing i would suggest is that you take out the final line. Brevity is what makes this poem a bit different. The person referred to with the box-cutters clearly has the persona’s emotion is his/her hands when you say ‘you have my box-cutters.’ The last line is a bit tautological, as if you don’t trust the reader to get it.
I’m sorry for being like this, but i just hope it’s constructive.

This is way more on the side of prose poetry. For no reason at all should this ever be considered a short story.

Outside of that, I find it okay. I don’t understand why “alone” is crossed out like that. Did you mean for it to do that?

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October 30, 2007

by stallions_kiss

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
34	33.3% (3 votes)	15.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
37	M	Australia	May 20

the more you say “no” to short story, the more i say “yes”.  why it can’t it be a story?  think outside the box.

i don’t think anyone has ever called this piece “okay” before – they tend to love it or hate it.
it seems you were more hung-up on the appearance of this piece than the words.  was this “review” just a quick way for you to earn some credits?  i hope you put more effort into your others, or i think you’ll find a lot of people refunding the credits spent on opening them.  
i’m letting you slide – this time.

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Nice. A bit dark but I’m sure that’s what the author wanted.

This likely belongs in the poetry or haiku category. My interpretation of the symbolism in this ridiculously short short story may or may not be correct. I assume that the fact that “you have my box-cutters” means that said “you” has taken away your means of suicide because said “you” is what you live for. I could be wrong, but that’s what I got out of it.

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October 30, 2007

by stallions_kiss

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
34	33.3% (3 votes)	15.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
37	M	Australia	May 20

you’re right – you are wrong ;)

i am pleased i got you thinking about.

:)

October 31, 2007

by Fido

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51	66.7% (12 votes)	60.0%

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18	M	Matawan, NJ	November 11

Haha, I thought so.

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I don’t think this is a short story. And I’m not sure what you mean by the third line.

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October 27, 2007

by stallions_kiss

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
34	33.3% (3 votes)	15.9%

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37	M	Australia	May 20

well, if it made you wonder – even for a moment – then i am satisfied.
re the “short story” issue…well, this has been covered many, many times before.  
thanks

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I like it, but I would suggest changing out the crossed out word “alone”.  Doesn’t really fit.  Sometimes quiet desperation doesn’t fit the bill you just gotta go for the bollocks.  Good luck.

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October 26, 2007

by stallions_kiss

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
34	33.3% (3 votes)	15.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
37	M	Australia	May 20

thanks – when i first posted this the “alone” wasn’t crossed out, but bold.  the html coding has evidently been changed.  i do enjoy the new slant the crossed out effect has given this, it seems to have breathed a new life into it – though it would probably have seemed more “bollocks-seizing” the other way!  i may change it back again….

thanking you greatly for your feedback, i am most appreciative!

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I tried and tried, but I just can’t see this as a short story. I can only see it as poetry.

At first glance it is rather Rilke-esque, I suppose. Rather free-form and visually interesting, too.

I like the way you’ve played with the structure. I like the “in my box… you have my box-cutters” lines – they are visual without being heavy-handed.

I don’t understand how the title fits in with the rest of it, though.

This is a very lovely poem.  A great inspiration for a song.  It’s even a great “summary” for a story I’d love to read.  But I don’t think it’s a story.  As poetry, though, you had me at “box-cutters.”

This should be in the poem category.
It is very good though, simple and to the point.

This feels more like a thought.  A single thought rather than a short story.  But what is here is also very good.  I do like it.  I’m curious why you struck out the word ‘alone’ though.