Novel Treatments / Chocolate[chapter one (what happened)]

This is okay but it has too much waffle – why not just start with the dead mum?

As your first line is too wordy and weak I think this is much better:

‘My mum is dead.’

This starts the story off with a bang!

You don’t need all the stuff about the CD and gay TV – it’s boring! Start your story with a killer line and amaze the reader.

You have a good voice and a good idea. A novel treatment would give an idea of the novel’s entire plot. Have you gotten that far yet? It would be interesting to see where this is going. You can write. Keep it up.

My proofreading notes:
It’s a contradiction to say the day was perfectly normal but that it also was a day when you felt deep down that something was going to happen.

really somewhat (either it was really ironic or somewhat ironic, but not both. “It was somewhat ironic really” would work.)

was a usually empty = was usually an empty

Oh, I like this. You are a twisted little sister. Some of the sentences are awkwardly constructed. “It was one of those days when you feel deep down something is going to happen, but somehow you don’t understand the feeling up until it happens. For me, it was up until I found her.” vs. “It was one of those days when you feel deep down that something is going to happen, but somehow you aren’t aware of it until something actually does. For me, that realization came to a head when I found her.” I want to hear the reat of this.

This story starts off as a fairly ordinary day in the life but then  it has that cliffhanger at the end. It got me interested. The language and sentence structure works well with the story so I see no problems to point out. I hope you keep working on it.

This is really quite good for a young author. Your writing is straightforward and you’re very good at expressing yourslef. I do have a few things to offer that I hope will help.

The words “that & and” can be eliminated most of the time.

The day that it happened was so perfectly normal that nothing could have prepared me for it. .... The day it happened was so perfectly normal that nothing could have prepared me for it.

Here is another example of words that aren’t necessary.

My mom had always said . . . “My” isn’t necessary. Mom had always said…

I would suggest changing this:

I needed to pee really badly … I needed to pee really bad…

You have a good style and are overall good at writing. Keep it up. Good luck.

Well, you got me. Good foreshadowing, and even though you kind of gave away what was going to happen, I was compelled to read on to the end. Now I’m sitting here wondering what happens next.
If this is a rough draft, I assume you have yet to cut out the redundant words. I’m looking forward to reading more.

Well, this one certainly has some things going for it.  For starters, I like your voice.  By that I mean you write clearly and with a purpose.  You avoid the bullshit, which is a good thing.  And assuming your profile is correct, you write very well for a 14 year old.  having said all of that, I would be wrong not to bring up a few things.  Some of your word choices scream adolescence.  I know that seems a bit contradictory considering that your main character seems to be young himself.  I guess what rubbed me the wrong way was your choice of words.  You mention a ‘gay’ TV show, ‘bullcrap’, and things like this suggest that you as the writer were almost too conscious of using the a more formal bit of profanity.  But in the end, I think your point is well made.  I would definitely encourage you to go on.  Nice work!  

This is a good beginning.  There were a bunch of grammatical errors, but that is to be expected with a rough draft.  The last sentence was competely awesome, and makes the reader want to know more.  That is, or course, what you want.  As for taking a break from your previous story, that is probably smart.  Sometimes a little distance will help you to see what the problem is.  Give it a month or two, then go back, and try again.

The day that it happened was so perfectly normal that nothing  - try, “The day it happened was so perfectly normal, nothing”

but somehow you don’t understand the feeling up until it happens. – would flow better as, “but you don’t know why until it happens.”

My usual routine had gone smoothly – use “went” instead of “had gone”

had upset my day – “to upset my day”

Oh fun. – needs comma between oh and fun

, I of course said no – should be ”,I, of course, said no.”

The ride home had been a lonely one – was a lonely one

regular rider I really wasn’t – comma between rider and I

My mom had always said it – delete had, it’s unnecessary.

Good luck.  I hope this helps.

To begin with, your opening is redundant and doesn’t really inspire me to read more:   The day that it happened was so perfectly normal that nothing could have prepared me for it. It was one of those days when you feel deep down something is going to happen, but somehow you don’t understand the feeling up until it happens. For me, it was up until I found her.

Try this: The day seemed perfectly normal, but I had a sense that something tragic was about to happen. Something I could not prepare myself for at all. It changed my life. It made me who I am today, a legend; that painful moment when I found her dead.

A little less worded, but brings clarity and then leaves us wanting to find out who died. Then you can write about the events that led up to the mom’s death. Just try it and see if it works better for you. Just a suggestion.

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December 20, 2007

by ellome

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
52	37.5% (8 votes)	41.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
15	F	Lenexa, KS	November 23

ya it is very clear, but for me it gives away too much. i want to grab the readers in with sort of a hey, i understand that feeling. :)
good advice tho

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i hate it…. it to tragic. How was the mom? was she dead, was she pierced with some sort of weapon?  you have to give more detail! And if she just fell, blood would not be everywere in the bathtube she would of only broken something. And you did not say if she was dead or was still breathing.

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November 03, 2007

by ellome

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
52	37.5% (8 votes)	41.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
15	F	Lenexa, KS	November 23

ummm okay ILIAN but thats how its supposed to be, ur supposed to wonder. But this is only a rough draft so itll get better.

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