Romance / French Women Unable To Cry Smoking a Cigarette
I really should get out of bed. Its what Jesus would do. The only thing stopping me was what was awaiting me when I finally did the deed. It’s not that it was bad, or even good, it was more the fact that it was neither. Might as well lay here devoid of feeling not getting any deeper mired in life then I already am. I’m not trapped, I can remove myself from…..
“Wake up”, she said “the store opens in an hour, and I want a bottle of wine.” It was like this everyday. The past few weeks she was thirsting for micro brewery lager trying to get a more sophisticated palette she said, I think she just wanted to see if I’d pay more then 5 bucks for a 12 pack.
“Stop shaking me, I’m up already god damnit,” I replied cause she liked when I used certain phrases, said it reminded her of her father. “ I’m pretty sure they wont sell out in 5 min it is a liqour store after all. And if you want it that bad pay for it yourself and pick me up a pack of whatever is buy one get one free, except Winston’s, I hate Winston’s.” I hated Winston’s. I didn’t like camels much either cause they made me spit like one, and I already have more on my back then is necessary no need to put a hump as well.
“Well how long will you be? It takes you as long as my mother to get ready and she spent 20 dollars on make-up every time she left the house.” Why the hell does she keep comparing me to her mother and father? Maybe I don’t want to know. “Maybe today we can drink merlot like the people on the hill,” she sighed , “ don’t you wish we could live on the hill?”. Not this crap again. “We could drive one of those expensive cars that we will have trouble getting in and out of .” I don’t mind really, I guess I keep her around cause she is a dreamer that has an ability to take me away from my conscience and into something more real and tangible, like a dream. “Whatever I will settle for a bottle of merlot, now wake your lazy ass up.”
The liquor store isn’t really that far away, maybe subconsciously that’s the reason we moved here. The owner we saw everyday as it seemed he was the only one who worked here. “Jesus, Tim don’t you ever go home? I mean your here at ten in the morning and you’ll be here ten at night if the past 4 months are any indication.” We were on good terms as we’ve been his best customers since we’ve moved here. We were just renting as we didn’t work hard enough or even wanted to work hard enough to become land-owners. “Hold on baby, let me see if they have any of those chips with the salsa baked inside.” I loved those things. “See if you eat your favorite foods early in the morning then you’ll start your day off right,” I said. “Yeah but then you have nothing to look forward to for dinner,” she replied. Damn her for being right more often then me.
The bottle of wine was the cheapest we could find usually Wild Vines or Carlo Rossi or something of that fine nature. As I was scanning the frito’s and the Doritos and the tortillas for my chips, a tired looking but well dressed man walked in. Now normally I don’t notice anything especially not others of the same sex but this one caught my eye cause he seemed a little desperate. Tim seemed to notice as well and seemed to know exactly what to do, he started pulling money out of the cash register and putting it on the counter.
“That’s a good dog,” the man said, “ I have you trained well.” I could tell they knew each other . “Now throw in a pack of Winston’s and I will let you get back to selling your crap to these lowlives.” Me and my lady might not have been high-class but we certainly weren’t lowlives, but I guess you can call anybody anything you want when you have a gun. “You two as well, give me what you have in you wallet and your purse. “ Damn good thing we only brought ten bucks with us. “Tara hand him the money baby.” “But Zen, what will we buy the wine with?” I loved her so much, always looking out for our best interests. “Don’t worry we will come up somehow.” She handed the thief the money. “Well thank you kindly gentlemen and you as well fine lady and ill be seeing you later Tim ,” he said right before he briskly yet non-chalantly walked through the door.
“Damn Tim seemed like you knew that guy.” Tara was famous for stating the obvious. “Yeah Tara he collects for the local goons around here he’s some fucking tweaker just needing another fix, wouldn’t be shit without his back-up.” “Seems like a lot of people are that ways these days,’ I replied “actually I think since mankinds been around its been that way.” “I think your right Zen,” Tim said. Now my name wasn’t really Zen, it was Zenith, my parents were goddamn hippies and couldn’t name me something standard like William or Marty from that movie everyone loved so fucking much. “We even got together our own goon squad, only we call them police officers.” “Yeah if that guy has been here so many times before then why havent you arrested him?” I asked. “Because they cant watch my store 24 hours a day while those goons can,” Tim responded, “ Something having to do with the taxpayers or some bullshit, I don’t even call them anymore.”
Now I felt bad for the this guy of course but you know I had my woman to look out for. “ So Tim think we could get this wine and smokes on credit,” I said, “ you know we’ll be back later tonight when this runs out? “. “ No problem Zen how could I refuse my best customer a request?” Very easily I thought. “ I wont even charge you tax my friend.” What a deal. “Thanks Tim see you later,” I said. As we walked out the door Tara brushed up against me and whispered in my ear,”That really turned me on Zen, I never knew danger could get me so wet.” I started to think of other dangerous situations I could get her into. “Will you take me home and fuck me?” I think I could comply.
Back at the house as I was simultaneously undressing her and drinking the wine I thought to myself , this day might not turn out so badly. “ Lick my pussy Zen then I want to feel you inside me.” Ok I can do that I thought, maybe later after we sleep off the wine and sex, we could catch happy hour and maybe the soccer game. As I was licking her tits and while her darker nipples were getting hard so was I , good thing she noticed and started unbuttoning my pants,”Mmm glad your not that drunk yet,” she moaned ,” do you like the way my body feels?” Yes good thing I wasn’t that drunk yet. “I love it when you press your body against me like a caged animal.” I did too. “ I want to slide it into you so slowly it makes your body ache,” I said. “Oh, not yet Zen let me treat you like the man you are first.” I knew what was coming next.
The feeling of my cock in her mouth really took me out of the moment and into some other place entirely. I started thinking of when I first met Tara and how good her legs and ass looked in a skirt so short if you breathed to hard you could see her small cute blue panties and imagine how nice it would feel to slip it inside of her and make her moan. “Oh Zen, take me from behind.” she cried. How could I resist being the kind gentlemen I am. I slowly slid my hard cock into her cute little vagina really, really slowly, her being so wet from all the excitement it went in pretty easily, still I refrained from going all the way in and about halfway I pulled back out and started flicking her clit with my tongue tasting her musky sex and loving it. “Oh Zen, just fuck me already.” I had to do what she said when she was that forceful. As I felt my dick inside her warm wet vagina all I could think of was how good it felt this sticky satin hole of hers and how good her ass looked as she was bent over taking me all the way inside her and moaning non stop. I knew she was coming by the way her body was getting tense and the way she was writhing against my dick. “Oh my God,” she said,” fuck me daddy.” As her wet velvet hole tightened around my hard cock I couldn’t hold back anymore and released myself inside her pretty little body , as if it was the only thing ive ever needed.
About 6 hrs a bottle of wine and 2 fucks later I awoke into some pretty soaked sheets. I could hear Tara taking a shower and thought against joining her figuring she needed a little alone time, and so did I. I started to reflect on what happened earlier today at the liqour store. I had been robbed before but it was always cause I was doing something illegal or something I shouldn’t have been doing. Maybe it was time for us to move. Before I could contemplate any further the phone rang as it always does this time of day. I kind of like when the phone rang especially when I start to think.
“Happy hour at feeners tonight man wanna go,” Jack said. “C’mon I’ll buy the first round, for your lady friend as well.” I didn’t really want to go with Jack he was kinda a prick but for free booze I’ll go and try to ditch him a little bit later. Problem was feeners was all the way across town. “You picking us up and driving Jack?” He had no friends so I knew he would. “Of course buddy I’ll be there in ten,” he said. “Make it thirty and it’ll be fine,” I responded. I still smelled like sex and I didn’t want the women at the bar to come on to me. Me and Tara have had more then just us in bed before and it caused a little drama, shes a jealous one. “Sure thing,” he said.
“Was that Jack?,” asked Tara fresh out of the shower and looking really cute. “ Yeah who the hell else calls everyday at 4?” I replied. “He said he’d buy us a round at Feener’s and drive us, I figure we could ditch him a little bit after that, besides there’s like 3 other bars around there where we can just sit and talk without being disturbed.” The best thing about Tara besides the sex and the drinking and the way she looked fresh out of the shower was that she was easily amused so I didn’t have to do much, just kinda keep her company.
Later on at the bar, after a very uneventful drive where Jack was hitting on Tara the whole time (another reason I wanted to ditch him), we were sitting at a semi-secluded table when Tara starts up. “Have you ever noticed that we do the same thing at the bar as we do at home.” “I mean we just sit here and drink and spend more money.” She had a point. “I don’t even like the music on the jukebox very much.” She had a point. “I could be naked right now Zen, don’t you want me naked?”. I did. “Well do you want to go home Tara?” I said. “No Zen this is fun, thanks for thinking about me though.” “No problem babe,’ I said. I kissed her on the cheek. “Im going to get another shot and beer want anything?” It turned out Jack wanted some fru-fru drink with rum and triple-sec, no way in hell he was gonna steal my girl drinking that crap, so I wasn’t to worried leaving them alone. At the bar was some new tender I hadn’t seen here, not surprising since I preferred to stay local within walking distance of my apartment if possible. “I’ll take a shot of Jim Beam and a Sierra Nevada please.” Now some people don’t like Sierra Nevada, I call these people assholes. After my shot I ordered Jacks feminine drink and Tara’s vodka tonic (made it a double) and started walking back to the bar when I spotted the man who we had run into at the liqour store, still wearing the nice suit. Now the first two drinks had taken effect already and the third shot was just starting to hit, so I was on the verge of asking him for my ten dollars back and punching him in the face for calling us low-lives, but I thought better of it and just went and sat down. Now we had already related to Jack everything that happened earlier, except what happened back at the apartment.
“I’m going to call the police, maybe there’s a reward,” said Tara. “Maybe it’ll be big enough that we could buy a car and not have to ask people for rides.” “I don’t mind giving you rides girl,” said Jack. Of course you didn’t prick. “You just call me anytime.” “Thanks Jack but I’m going to call anyway, for Tim at least,” Tara responded. I knew it was a bad idea but I had a hard time refusing women anything as it was, let alone the one I was intimate with. The phone conversation with the police wasn’t very long it was pretty straight forward, and as it turned out there was a ten thousand dollar reward for the man , the only problem was we would have to leave are information with them. “Well Zen aren’t you glad I called now?” No I really wasn’t, the ten grand would be nice, being not very optimistic I didn’t expect to ever receive anything for free ever. “Sure babe maybe now we can get that car, a Lincoln continental, or something as big,” I said. I always did like to dream with her. When I first met Tara it was at a bar that since has been closed due to underage alcohol sales. She was sitting at the bar when I sat down and ordered my usual shot and beer when she said, ”You’re a heavy drinker, huh?” “I can be,” I said. “Will you watch my drink while I use the restroom, thanks,” she said. The only thing I could watch as she went to the restroom was that cute ass of hers under her short skirt and panties that made you glad you were a man.
Now I do like to dream I have confided before, I also don’t like my dream state to be broken. Especially not when I see at least eight policemen barge into this quiet bar with their guns in their hands pointing them at the man. “You in the suit, get on the floor with your hands and legs spread,” they yelled. “Fuck you pigs I didn’t do shit,” said the man in the suit. “Don’t say a word just get on the floor, and don’t cause a scene,” responded the officer. I didn’t want to say that we were the reason this scene was caused even though I knew the reason. This man in this suit wasn’t that big or even that tough looking but he refused to go down without a fight, kind of reminded me of my high school girlfriend who still holds a special place in my heart. With four officers subduing him and another four with guns drawn watching him they finally handcuffed him and dragged him out of the bar, the man in the suit got pretty tame after all this. When this scene finally played out the lead officer started to walk over to us, maybe I’m a little bit psychic or something but I knew what was coming next.
“Were you the one who called ma’am? “ the police officer said. “Yes sir it was me,” responded Tara. “We saw him rob the store earlier this morning funny we’d see him here the same night.” “Yes ma’am this guy gets around, he’s hired muscle for a some crew that is trying to come up in the city,” said the policeman. “We actually have rewards for most of the crew its just that people don’t want to get involved .” I know I didn’t want to get involved. After the police took are statements and Tara’s information for the reward we sat down and had two more drinks before we started to go. The last two drinks weren’t that bad as Jack was still kind of shook up and was pretty silent most of the time, kind of lost in his drink. “Ready to go man?” I said. “Sure thing,” he responded. Pretty silent drive back which was a welcome change from the drive there. Unfortunately it gave me time to think. Whenever I drink it seems that besides my vision getting blurry so does my future. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go back to school and finally get a job like that guy that drives a Lexus to the grocery store, maybe I could even get Tara pregnant and get her the life she deserves one that’s better and more promising then the one we lead now. Whatever maybe not, I’m sure its not what she wants or even what I want. I’ll probably just end up sleeping in late and going to see Tim when I wake up.
It was about one o’clock when we finally got home and me and her both were tired enough to pass out. Sleeping next to her while she was at peace was a highlight of my everyday. The feeling of her body while she was breathing slowly really made me feel like I could make any decision and it would be alright cause she would be there no matter what. I’m not sure if this is what it’s like with every man with a woman and maybe I didn’t care as long as I was here with her. After I drifted off into a sleep I had a dream of the reward money, they say men dream of sex and money most often and if this is true then I’m no different from most men. About halfway through the dream I heard a loud noise coming from outside the apartment, a noise that woke even me up from my passed out sleep. I walked to the window unclothed and groggy and looked outside to see the liquor store I frequented so often starting to burn. I woke Tara immediately and told her to call the police. After I saw Tara on the phone I put on some clothes and went down the steps to see if I could do anything, even though I knew I couldn’t with my headache and still half-drunk wits not about me. When I reached the bottom of the steps I saw Tim standing there just staring at the store that held his lively hood . “ What the hell happened?” he said. “I paid those bastards there is no reason they should have done this.” I got a sick feeling. “ you think this was them?” I said. “Who else could it have been,” he responded. Nobody I knew, it was them. About this time the fire department and police showed up in all their regalia and pomp. The parade was quite a site really with the flames in the background shining off all the spectators faces that had come out to see what was going on. Tara came down she was wearing little more then her nightgown, when I gave her a startled look she said ”I was hoping you would keep me warm,” and promptly put my arm over her and snuggled into my side. “ Tara baby, Tim thinks this was the guy from earlier today.” She was silent for a bit I could tell she was deep in thought. “What does this mean,” she said. “What should we do.” I knew it was time to move even if she didn’t. It’s too bad to I was really starting to like this place with its proximity to the liquor store and the slow speed limits that made it easy to sleep at night. “Well babe I think it might be time we find a less stressful neighborhood where we can raise our happy family,” I said. I could hear her chuckle silently when I saw the police start to question Tim. I didn’t want to stick around and deal with them anymore tonight so I took Tara back up to the room and we went to sleep rather fitfully which was to be expected after the night we had.
When we awoke, and after we ate breakfast, it took us all of about 30 minutes for us to pack all of our worldly possessions , I had nothing more then a few articles of clothes, she some clothes, as well as some feminine shower products which I indulged in from time to time. “Where are we going to go Zen,” she said.”We wont have enough money for a deposit till your unemployment check comes in and I don’t want to go to my parents house.” All last summer I was working in construction, the company went out of business and I was put on unemployment, I wasn’t too upset. ”Well baby, we’ll just hop a bus and get a motel room somewhere kinda nice hopefully one with a nightclub within walking distance, sound good?” “Sounds perfect ,” she said. I really hated the busses, I could feel the germs they breed and house seeping through my clothes as if they were the smartest most corrupt beings that were placed on this planet just to destroy my health and well-being. “Deal with it,” I thought.
The bus wasn’t too crowded, surprising for it being around noon, usually its packed full of grocery shoppers and house cleaners going to there next assignment. We didn’t really know where we were going just sort of heading east since both of us hadn’t really been there before and we had talked about it. “ Zen I feel bad for Tim and all, but I’m sort of glad this happened get us out of that rut we were in you know,” Tara said. I kind of liked that rut she was talking about, one man (or womans) rut is anothers stability. I had been traveling frequently for the past 3 or so years, never really staying in the same place never really going anywhere, it would have been nice to have a familiar place to go to. “Yeah baby, I’m sort of glad as well,” I agreed. “Maybe with the money were going to get we can take a vacation, maybe make a permanent residence on the east coast for awhile, we’ll see.” “I would like that a lot Zen, really getting sick of this place,” she said. Yeah maybe she was right, stability was overrated anyhow.
About an hour on the bus we ended up in a somewhat nicer neihborhood then we left, there were actually children riding their bikes around. “Well that’s a good sign,” I said,” Can’t be too much trouble if kids are aloud to play outside.” “Maybe it’s bad parenting?” Tara said. I hoped she wasn’t right again. After looking around there were really only 2 motels within are budget. “So, the third story one or the one story one Tara?” I asked. “The one story silly, don’t want to have to walk up 2 flights at two thirty in the morning, right?” she said. Right, always thinking ahead, I would have preferred the view but I can’t say no. After we finished getting settled down ( interrupted by a moment of intimacy) we had to decide what we were going to eat for dinner. “Thai food? They deliver baby,” I asked. “But I kinda of wanted to go out again, I have this really sexy black dress I havent worn in awhile,” she said. I knew what black dress she was talking about, she often blackmails me with it to get things her way easier, I didn’t mind of course it was as sexy as she said.
A little while later at the nightclub, after a few drinks, I could tell Tara wanted to get a little frisky on the dance floor. Looking seductive in her little black dress and sexy slipper type shoes I yet again could not resist the lady a moment on the dance floor. Once the music started playing she took me by the hand and led me out on to the floor where there was a live band playing some 70’s style funk song, not my normal style of music but after a couple drinks and the scent of my woman’s perfume going to my brain, it didn’t matter. I was soon whisked away into some sort of trance where all my five senses were overwhelmed and I was unable to think, reason, or even comprehend or care what was happening or why. With every breath I took I was taken away on the trails of my womans scent, and my eyes were only able to focus on her tight gyrating body, my sense of touch was heightened into impossible sensitivity where I could feel her soul melding with mine and then breaking away only to reform again and once again make us whole, my sense of hearing was overtaken by the bass of the music but somehow I was still able to hear her happiness, my sense of taste was eagerly preparing for later tonight when it could join the rest of the senses in reaffirming the reason we are alive.
After a little while on the dance floor we needed to catch are breath so we went outside to have a cigarette and a drink on the patio. “Don’t you just love the way the night air makes you feel Zen?” Tara asked. ”Kind of like when you were a kid staring out in the darkness wondering what all that mystery was about?” I had no idea what she was talking about.. “Have you ever been amazed at the ability we have to understand? Or of the ability we have to enjoy the mystery of life?” I had to enjoy it, it was all a mystery to me, so I figured I’d better get used to it. “ Sometimes it seems to me that the world is so big and the people in it are evil little devils trying to get everything for themselves and leaving just a dry husk of uselessness behind. But then I get out and meet some of these people and I find out that they want pretty much the same things as us, a compatible mate, a secure lifestyle with a little adventure, and perhaps just a little bit of understanding of who we are and some acceptance and validation. And after all this, when I think about these people and there relations to us, I think to myself -“are we little devils as well, me and you? Or are we all just linked together somehow in the survival of the fittest game? And if we are is that such a bad thing?” Have I mentioned yet that I love her?
The walk back to our room was a pretty quite, peaceful walk, we were both pretty drunk and lost in ourselves and contemplation. Picking a room on the first floor really came in handy, Tara really showed me why I keep her around this time. Before Tara had a chance to settle in and get to comfortable I slid my arm around her waist and pulled her close and whispered, “thanks baby for all you do for me and with me, I really appreciate your company.” At this time I was caressing her neck with the back fingers on my right hand, “ I also appreciate the soft lips you have.” I slowly lowered my mouth to hers and when are lips met it felt like ten thousand volts of electricity flowed between us, connecting us to the earth making us one, but when our tongues met it was like fifty thousand volts coursed through are bodies numbing are brains to anything but the pleasures of one another’s body and connecting us to the universe as a whole making all arguments about anything ever invalid, as well as making us invalid compared to what we were creating.
Tara had the nicest tit’s I had ever seen , I realized when she came back from the restroom. I really wondered and prayed she had a matching bra to go along with it, when she sat back down. “Anyone try to slip something into my drink sir?” she asked. “No not yet,” I said. “Whats that supposed to mean?” she responded. “Nothing,” I responded,“ you know you have an incredible body, I would like to know if the inside is as pretty as the outside, what’s your name?” I asked. “Tara,” she said, “ whats your’s?”. “Zenith,” I said. “What a silly name,”she said, “ were your parents hippies or something.” “Just call me Zen, baby,” I said “its what people close me to use.” “Oh, so I’m close to you now am I,” she said. “If you want to be baby,” I said. “We’ll see,‘ she said. I felt I needed a smoke so I lit one up, these were back in the days it was legal to smoke inside. “Can I get one of those,” she said, “unless it’s a Winston I fucking hate Winston’s.” I was in love.
Once I had Tara’s tit in my mouth suckling her pale soft flesh with a pressing yet gentle touch, I couldn’t wait for the feeling of my hard body penetrating the soft folds between her milky white thighs, while her strong legs squeeze and grind against my body. Once I had her pressed against the wall thrusting all I have in this world into her welcoming body and looking into her eyes seeing that she was lost in another world, only then was I able to lose myself as well and once again we became something greater then just two individuals, we became the world.
CHAPTER 2 ?
2 days at the apartment and countless bottles later Tara was getting restless about the reward money we were due. I had told her since it was her name on the ticket she should call and try to speed the process along. I figured since she was an attractive woman and me not so much she would have an easier time collecting and she thought this made sense. While she was on the phone sweet talking the officers I decided to get some fresh air and go for a walk. About halfway down the block I realized I had forgotten my smokes at the motel and went back to retrieve them. Pulling out of the driveway was the exact Lincoln Continental I had envisioned buying with the reward money. Intrigued I stopped them and asked them the specifics. Their were two men in the car the driver with sunglasses. “Excuse me sir,” I said,”what year is you Lincoln?” It looked like a late 70’s model but I don’t really know anything about cars just what I like. “It’s a seventy- eight with a newly rebuilt engine, do you like it?” the man with the sunglasses responded. “I do, my girlfriend and I were thinking of buying one ourselves, is this one for sale?” I asked. “Wouldn’t know it’s my bosses, but here’s my card give me a call later and I’ll ask him for you,” he said. After he handed me his card and I thanked him for his time he drove away rather slowly. Back in the room Tara was still on the phone with the police talking in the soft seductive voice she uses to get what she wants, it works believe me. I grabbed my smokes and walked back out into the brighter then average spring day.
Now I really like to walk, one of my favorite things to do in life is just to walk. A man whos’s views and opinions I respected and valued once said to me “Zen, man was meant to walk, ever since we were cavemen and women we were meant to walk. Think about it, we used to travel with are food source, we used to travel to warmer climates for winter, we used to even have to literally chase are women around, and how did we do this? By walking.” Made sense to me. As well as the exercise and peaceful state it brings, the sunshine on our faces and even the little bit of nature we see on our journey really puts us in a different state of mind. With the sun shining on my face warming even more then that I began to drift off into a sort of daydream. I began to wonder what Tara was doing all by herself in her room.
Tara loved the power she had over men. Just the thought of the control she had over these men made her tingle. Her hand tracing love lines up her arm she couldn’t help but think about Zen, the only man she didn’t have power over. Thinking of his strong body pressed against hers she never truly realized her hand slowly caressing its way down her stomach getting closer to the moist, soft hole that made up ninety percent of her happiness In the world. About the time her hand reached her belly button she was already laying on the bed ; fantasizing about the way Zen’s tongue felt as it flicked inside and out of her body; the way it massaged her clit making her unable to think about the rest of the world really putting her in the moment. With legs slightly spread laying on the bed she slowly pulled up her short white pleated skirt and moved her hands up her pale white inner thigh’s. With her senses heightened, and her panties getting wetter with every movement she made that got her hands closer to her moist swollen clit that was waiting, needing,, wanting a man to satisfy her lust ; Tara couldn’t help but let out a long moan, “Oh, Zen.” Slowly but assuredly she slipped off her wet panties and slid her right middle finger into the silky flesh that could make so many men happy, yet was reserved for one. With back arched and legs spread wide Tara was lost in her own world when the door flew open and 3 men barged inside.
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That was one story. You have a way with words that bring exicetment into the mnd and body. This is very good. I am not very good with grammer but i didn’t have any problems reading this, at all.
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I liked the dialog, but thought if put in traditional style it would be more effective. That means start a new paragraph with a new speaker.
As far as breaking this up into chapters, the logical way would be a new chapter or at least a triple space everytime the story changes setting.
I don’t mind the graphic nature of the sex and such, but at times I felt it went over the top and I was reading a bad instant message from a drunk and horny frat kid. Use the word ‘cock’ once to let us know this is not leave it to beaver love making, but the reader will run with it. Innuendo can go a long way.
I appreciate the situation the couple is in and it is a nice twist at the end, but I never really liked the characters, so putting them in danger doesn’t build the maxium amout of suspense.
Good job with describing the girl and her skirt and panties, I might not have liked her but she came across sexy.
You made a comment about him not being drunk yet so he could get hard, and yet in the course of the story this alcoholic is roger rabbit and mantains an erection through mutiple journeys to her ‘satin hole.’ didn’t seem to fit. Will he not be drunk with in the hour?
Make the piece a little less penthouse forum and more fhm. I see potential.
The writing is remarkably good and there are some ideas which I like: the reward, the move, the hints of University, hints of suburbia, hints of revenge.
The punctuation is appalling, as the writer admits. Heaven knows why “our” appears as “are” so many times. Perhaps it is an affectation – I mean, a technique of writing – like the interminable fxxxs and bottles of wxxx and spread lxxs and moist pxxxies and smoking particular brands of cxxxxxxxe.
Such writing is boring to anyone over 30. The writer, I see, claims to be 26.
I don’t know what advice would be helpful. Try this advice. Once you have decided whether your story is chick-lit (romance) or man-blog (suspense and adventure), then set about plotting the whole story. Once you have a plot, develop character.
Alternatively, go at it the other way around. Understand your characters from birth to burial. Once you know where they are now and where they’re going, write a plot around them.
Good luck
Ann
www.lulu.com/AnnEnglish
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