Bacos are an American snack, imitation bacon bits in a jar. I chose not to start each line with initial caps, it’s a preference, unless it’s the start of a new sentence, it is an acceptable format. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Poetry / The Smell of Old Age
The Smell of Old Age
A scent exudes from pores: rotting decay
from a festering mass of used-up organs,
withering glands about to shut down
at any moment,
this is the smell of old age.
They try to disguise it, the old and infirm,
with perfume and breath mints, but the scent
of tobacco, garlic and gin
makes it more pungent if not truly rancid
and hovers about them like smog.
My grandmother sucked on Certs
and ate Bacos by the jar. At night she put on
her leopard print robe, drank glasses of gin,
and smoked cigarettes in the dark, developing
her signature scent, her signature print.
It made me nauseous at times just to smell her.
I would demand she stop eating those Bacos,
I hid the Certs and laughed and the cheap
leopard print robe, her leopard print scarf,
she even had a leopard print dress.
On the day she was buried I stole that robe
and hung it in my closet. After all these years
it still smells of her, of old age, Certs, Bacos and gin.
I scrunch the fabric to my face in hard times,
breathe in the heady aroma and cry.
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GothaGrime reviewed Version 2 -
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incredible! your descriptions are wonderful. I can see your poem. Its humurous at first as you describe the ‘old people smell’... everyone can empathize with you, mine smell like feet and dust and just plain oldness! lol.
but then when i read her passing away i feel very sad. and how now, the smell that you shunned is the smell you cling to :)
incredible poem. :)
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AVRP reviewed Version 2 -
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Very sad and beautiful. Very well written. What is Bacos though?
I liked his one and can find very little wrong with it, save one thing: Capitalize the first letter of each line. It will look much neater and visually appealing.
neawaia reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this due to the fact that even though the criticism is there about how the aged hide their smell, we still cling to it in need when they are not there to cling to. Those things we detest we come to love. I think that a little more could be added to the end if you wanted to. But either way, it has good impact. Keep going!
summers_ann reviewed Version 2 -
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i like this. especially how stanza three’s imagery draws connections to the printed clothes and her signature. you lost me in stanza four with, “and the cheap leopard print robe, her leopard print scarf,she even had a leopard print dress.” did you hide the robe,scarf and dress also? what message about these things are you trying to express?
the last stanza was great! keep up the good work!
KindredSpirit reviewed Version 2 -
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Great poem that explores how the familiar is imprinted in our senses, and even though it may repel us, in a strange way we can still be comforted by it, by the memories it evokes. Nice structure in the 5 lines, 5 verses. My only comment for improvement – I loved the rhythm in the last lines of the first 3 verses, but that seemed to be missing from the last 2 verses. Maybe just a bit of tweaking, i.e. delete ‘heady’ from the last line.
BeautifullyxChaoticxMess reviewed Version 2 -
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Absolutely Beautiful!
sahewitt reviewed Version 2 -
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By this time you must be beginning to accrue your own old age scents. This is agood efforts, although at times it seems a little forced. Keep writing
Perfect_Shadow15 reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like this but the only thing that really bothers me is that some things that should be on the next line begin on the line before it. for expample…
“with perfume and breath mints, but the scent
of tobacco, garlic and gin”
should be…
“with perfume and breath mints,
but the scent of tobacco, garlic and gin”
It’s just minor but it really takes away from the flow of the writting especially in later stanzas but otherwise I enjoy it. Keep writting
Lauren
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall, I like this sentimental poem. Really feel the emotion.
S1: Why not “her scent?” That way we immediately have a sense of grandmother. I’m not sure “at any moment” is necessary. It’s implied. Separate the last line with a period or semicolon, since it is a new idea. It also creates a stronger pause than a period.
S2: Instead of the depersonalized “they,” use “she” as personalized. We really want to feel this is specifically about grandmother. It’ll require a restructure of the first line though.
My sense up to this point is it’s a little too detached. You throw in the personalized markers, but have distanced us a bit.
S3: To personalize even further make it “Grandma _” so it’s a person. We almost have the true opening of this poem here. This is when we see it’s about grandmother. So, you could rearrange stanzas or delve deeper into grandmother’s meaning.
S4: I like the leopard print references because that’s a personal detail. Could tighten up on language for flow. At this point the whole smell theme is overdone. While I understand where you’re going with this piece, there must also be happy smells too, not just rotting, decay smells.
S5: Concludes well on this point. Still needs tightening of lines.
Well done.
djsquared reviewed Version 2 -
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Your first stanza is very intriguing, and it suggests a cause of “old age” smell which none want to imagine. Some may find it noxious and stop reading, but they will miss out on the poignant emotion of the end. You speak of how even the repulsive, if tied in any way to comfort or childhood, will make us nostalgic and perhaps sad. Your descriptions of your grandmother contrast well with the sentiment you betray at the end.
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