Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Dear Cousin George . . .

Thank goodness, I was begining to wonder how he was going to get his reputation back, with the little people you know…anyway, we’ll set you up in a trailer on the ranch, you won’t need money we have lot’s of food and all that here. I’ll give you a couple of Secret Service agents, to make sure you have everything you need to write that book. What’s your address, I’ll send someone to come get you, you’ve paid your taxes right?

This made me laugh out loud! This is too funny! I would like to see it expanded, maybe add in some more details about what you would include in your book on foreign policy. Maybe add in a little story about a family reunion or something. This has some definite potential. :) Great Job!

Nice and fun piece ! I don’t know if your cousin understand you…I’m rookie in English Language, but I understand and like a lot!
Keep writing, and if your cousin borrow to you $500.000, Please borrow to me $5.000!
Aloha!

1st, this is not a query letter as you think of it.  In a writing forum, a query letter is an introduction of a writer to an agent, editor, or publisher.  You posted in the wrong catagory for a work of this type.  

As to the work, I am sure this is meant to be a humorous piece, and in order for the piece to work, there has to be humor that reader admires, finds funny, or relates to.

In this piece, your trying to convince the President of the united states that your a long lost cousin so you can borrow money.  This would work if the writer of this piece…(the one who the POV is told from), did not appear to be less intelligent than to the person they are writing too.

Your fact are vague, if not too general.  Even without the pictures.  The pictures are no more than a prop, had they appeared, but it would have been the words that ties them together.  

This would have been easily done by noting the similarties, eyes, nose, ears…especially the ears.  Even if the reader could not distinguish it for themselves, or it is obviously wrong.  

As to credentials, you could have noted you won the spelling bee in grade school, you once wrote for the auto mechanic literary review, or some other trumped up thing, like maybe the Piggly Wiggly weekly insert.  

As to forgeign policy, perhaps mentioning that you had watched every John Wayne war movie ever made, 6 times at least…that could have been funny.  

I hope you see the point.  Don’t be vague in what your writing, the humor is not there except to friends and family.  Grab your audience by the short hairs, and once they start chuckling, keep going, don’t let up.

Hope this helps,
Nick.

I presume this is meant as a humor piece and not a query letter, and so I’ll critique it as such.

I loved the first sentence. Really hooked and grabbed my interest, unfortunately it sort of went downhill from there. The question the first sentence begs to have answered is “Why $324,945.03?” I wanted there to be some clever significance to that number beyond just the cost of publishing a book. It is an interesting number especially with the three cents at the end.

Overall the concept is funny, but the writing could be tightened up. You repeat “I know what you’re thinking” twice at the beginning and you overdo it with the whole putting words in old George’s mouth thing. I’m referring to stuff like, ‘“So what?” you ask’ and ‘“What background do you have in foreign policy?” you may wonder.” That style of writing can be funny if you use it once or twice, but it just gets old fast.

I thought the picture part was funny, but you say “great” too many times. It would be sufficient just to say “great, great, great grandmother.” The extra greats don’t add to the humor in my opinion. I doubt many people know who their great, great, great grandmothers were. Probably don’t even know their great, great grandmothers.

Finally, take away all the exclamation points. You overuse them and they just have the effect of making the writing look amateurish. Maybe that’s the point here, but it didn’t work for me.

You have a fun little idea here, and it could be a funny humor piece if you reworked it a bit. Take my advice for what it is – one person’s humble opinion. I hope you can take a little criticism. Keep on writing!