Criticism / Reviews of Haikus Volume 2

Gently Fallen user onlywish
sunset in Autumn
bloom on tree gently fallen
blanket a new dawn

Review by kenbur1222
Very traditional and appropriate Haiku thinking.
Were you Japanese in a previous life? Fine piece.
My version:
Red Solar twilight
drifts along, among the trees
It’s slumber the night
Comment by onlywish
cloak in shades of white
blends between the sky and clouds
shadow to the sun

Relationships End  user Gakitten2006

Broken deep inside,
Soulless, nonsense, lost in fear,
Fucking emptiness.

Review by kenbur1222
This one is from Hazard Street (not Easy St.) I don’t like to see profanity in poetry, and in this case the last line doesn’t fit well because the real meaning of “fuck” is to copulate, and you don’t do that after a relationship ends. What about some other two syllable word, like “listless”? Not as shocking, but decent.
My version:

Relationships end
And so does everything else
The way of all flesh

sigh  user Joshartist42

I go to bathroom.
The Mirrior has much regret.
I have Man Boobs.

Review by kenbur1222
Ha Ha Ha. Very funny. I scored it 8.4.  My version:

what a nasty sight
I look better in the night
mirror gives me fright

unknown corpse  user Zanladar

gore splattered across
lonely apartment, empty
rotting, no one knows

Comment by kenbur1222
The original piece is visual, and factual, but here is one more coherent and more judgmental:

crime scene mystery
evidence: a bloody mess
decaying long since

Long, long, ago…  user raw19

Long ago on Earth
most strangers would show their worth
that’s gone since our birth

Review by kenbur1222
Very clever. How about this one?:

Shortly, shortly, now.

Now is the season
For better Haiku’s reason
To be people pleasin’

Ecstacy in Infancy  user UhLyssUh42

Chubbed babies sitting
These young, smiling Buddhas
Contemplating life

Review by kenbur1222
Nice try, but line two is only 6 syllables.
My version:

Contemplating Life

Chubby babes sitting
Delightful in their newness
Taking it all in

Anonymous  user onlywish

Nature of people
often hidden behind mask
Signed anonymous

Review by user VioletL
Okay! It counts and it speaks.
Comment by user onlywish
Does that mean you think it has legs to stand on?
Comment by user VioletL

well, it doesn’t bark
and it doesn’t smell a lot
so you can keep it.        (signed) Mom

Review by kenbur1222
Good work. Clever thought:

That’s an idea
the safety of mystery
kept safe, unrevealed.

We all wear our masks,
to protect the innocent,
and too, the guilty.

Comment by user onlywish

false face hide dogma
holds real emotions captive
heaven sheds a tear

fine lines now a blur
turns three dimension to one
truth becomes fiction

Comment by kenbur1222
Onlywish, do you suppose we are beginning a trend in Haiku Country?

Haiku as fencing
parry, riposte, duel surges …
then touche, my friend!

Comment by user onlywish
My hat off to you.

to dance with the best
study and practice footwork
haiku as two-step

Whispered Winds user onlywish

feather of a wing
sway on angels whispered wind
gathering lost souls

Review by kenbur12223

Mythology’s glue
Gets stuck to someone else new
Trapped in tradition

Comment by onlywish

future turns to past
set in solid foundation
starts new beginning

Comment by kenbur1222

recycling the past
helps make the old last and last
but getting better

The Rhythm of Life. user CreatedAMadman

Life is but a song.
It starts and ends with silence.
Keep up with the beat.

Review by kenbur1222
This piece is most excellent. Metaphor of music = living. Heart beats, beginning to end. Keep it up.
Inspired this:

Next of Kin

Life is but a child.
It comes out of the middle
What a clear riddle!

Is God So Great?  user iiyamuzai

Show me His benevolence
And I, in turn
Shall prove His evil

Review by kenbur1222
Not a haiku, which is 5,7,5. Your piece is 7,4,5.
The Redo, Authentic haiku:

The Almighty

You say God is great?
Show me His benevolence
I’ll prove His evil!

Review:

What wickedness piques
When missionaries walk streets
Self-rightiousness reeks!

unrequited haiku user sugarteet

don’t go away mad
surely there is someone who
enjoys your nature

Review by kenbur1222
Very nice piece. The title explains it.
My version dosn’t have the same meaning, but it occured to me just the same:

better to have loved
and lost than never to have
loved at all, cynic

You, there, in my dreams user baldwithglasses

I forgave you there
In dream-time continuum
Knowing – feeling – all.

Review by kenbur1222
I’m surprised you thought of this juxtaposition of ideas: forgiveness and omnipotent dreaming.
My version:

Unconscious, knowing
Unburdened by dreamer’s care
Continue sleeping?

post storm user tentoes

wind-berated trees
stand in rumpled compliance
like chastised children

Review by kenbur1222
Were you, by any chance, affected by Hurricane Katrina? Piece is well spoken. My version:

She ripped this forest
Into bent and broken hulks
Torn and whipped to shreds

turtle user 41

belly wakes me up
rumble rumble rumble grrr
time to eat my bugs

Review by kenbur1222
It’s funny!
My version:

Man of the House

a time for moving
a time for getting going
time for providing

Poverty’s Success user untoldstory

Deceived and betrayed,
It waits to prey on our souls.
But, we live for life.

Review by kenbur1222

Anticipation
Brush aside the destroyer,
Relentless ending.

Error Message-Micrsoft user onlywish

It worked yesterday
now only blue screen of death
loss of all data

Review by kenbur1222
Ha Ha. Nice item. The very model of a modern major screwup. (Caps off to Gilbert and Sullivan.) My version:

Oh the frustration
From this infernal device
Digital Devil!

Comment by onlywish
The truth is often funny. Nice haiku.
I am a fan.

Lyrical genius
Gilbert wrote with Sullivan
Musical movies

The Light of Life user LaLaGirl

Scent of life is sweet
Smothered by pain, lit by joy
The candle burned out

Review by kenbur1222
Who died? Nice metaphor, life is a lighted candle. Joy is then enlightenment; so Zen.
My version (Works only in juxtaposition to yours.):

Sweet scented candle?
I’m so terribly saddened
Burned down to the end!

Comment by LaLaGirl
Thanks for the review. I like your version as well.
Comment by kenbur1222
LaLaGirl: your comment is the beginning of a trend. Adding to the end:

Thanks for the review.
I like your version as well.
Let’s have more Haiku!

lite brite  user vintagerocket

They thought I was ray-
dioactive. “No, I swal-
lowed a neon peg.”

Review by kenbur1222
I’m on board with tweaking the language to fit the form, but this clipping of words, I’ve not seen before in haikus. Good humor. My version:

Hair Fright

They thought my hair was
A punk rocker’s new style. No.
A High Voltage charge!

Winter user townxelliot

Pale light falls on leaves;
The garden, deserted, sighs
Under winter’s weight.

Review by kenbur1222
Crisp and clean Haiku machine. My version:

Not knowing in here
What the weather is out there
Only by seeing.

Rush Hour user splitmam

Rush hour stop and go
Like accordions so sad
Make me long for beach

Review by kenbur1222
Fellow traveller! There but for the grace of fate, go I. Nice piece.
My version:

Traffic Jam depression
Despicable succession
Let me out of this!

Reject Wife user splitmam

Rejected wife cries
Watching as younger soft eyes
Are what he chooses

Review by kenbur1222

If she has power
Let it restore him to her
Just restitution

Wild Horses user 4everYours

puff of breath, wide eyes
muscles straining, running wild
the dust has risen.

Review by kenbur1222

The crowd, aroused, roars
A new champion has charged
Into its favor!

fresh speak user brokenhand

be cool daddy-yo
I’m hip I know your l i n g o
what’s up now? BRAvo!

Comment: kenbur1222
Is this fresh? The lingo is not new, nor is it upsetting. Sounds nice spoken aloud. What about adding several more sets all using hip lingo, and demonstrating fresh sounds?

This was such a treat,
We want more to engage us:
The beatnik tango.

Comment by brokenhand
I don’t know if the poem is speaking clearly enough, maybe I should put it in quotes. It’s meant to be a geezer trying to use modern slang, etc.
Comment: kenbur1222
What about introducing your original piece with this:

The voice is creaking,
The old Hip Beat is leaking;
Old Timer speaking

Uprooted user Idrequired

Oaks relocated
victim of urban renewal
Stripped Of Dignity

Review by kenbur1222
Seems to refer to some trees which were moved to make way for pavements and strip malls. To move them, the foliage has been mostly trimmed off, naked, undignified.

Tortured Tree

Lashed upon big truck
Laid bare and restrained, in chains
Arbor trussed and racked.

Comment by Idrequired

A tree Dies In Brooklyn

sharp silver teeth grind
rip and tear away the core
sawdust on the floor

On Tip-Toes user Idrequired

Midnight butterfly
high on the cherry-blossom
delicate balance

Review by kenbur1222
Considering the title, and the image of the author (I’m in network) I’m going to interpret this as the author is the “Midnight Butterfly”, the cherry blossom is symbolic of something, not necessarily a flower, about which the author is obsessive (high), and the delicate balance is the discipline required to carry on with both reality, and this obsession (on tippy toes), like a ballet dancer.

Do Not Fall

Take ye care, my friend,
A tumble would bring you down
Embarassing end!

Comment by Idrequired

the mask has been torn
sun burns deep into white flesh
leaves scar across face

Comment by kenbur1222

Apolgy

So sorry my dear
Your mask, it was meant to tear
Your truth there to bare.

Comment by Idrequired

pity has no home
where acceptance now resides
truth will set you free

The End

Reviews

Showing 1 - 9 of 9