Novel Treatments / CLS
Mark cursed under his breath. The fuck is she doing?
He leant against the open pub door and watched the woman as she took a couple of breaths, presumably to calm herself. For what, though, Mark couldn’t work out. All she was doing was reversing a fucking car. He scrutinized her features: early-twenties, pretty-ish, prim-looking. Driving a red Vauxhall Corsa. Probably a receptionist, he thought to himself.
‘Janine’, as Mark had decided to call her, gave herself one more psychological push, then moved back a further ten inches. A sharp crkk sound emerged from the gravel as one of the back wheels dislodged a small stone. Janine froze, eyes wide, then threw open her door to inspect the damage.
Mark shook his head in disgust. It was a shame – she wasn’t bad-looking – but the fact that she was so young was one thing; that she couldn’t drive was another. He had no plans to be anyone’s taxi driver and instructor at the same time.
Another bemused spectator, a smartly-dressed, pot-bellied man in his late-thirties, spat out his cigarette onto the ground and stubbed it out with the heel of his immaculate black brogues. With a sharp nod of his head, he indicated the struggling motorist.
“Friend of yours?”
Mark shook his head. “Nah,” he said, his gaze fixed on the now extremely nervous woman. “I’m just making sure she don’t scratch the Merc. If she does I’m gonna put a fucking scratch on her.”
A man stumbled out of the pub, followed by a several similarly plastered inmates. Holding his arms out in an attempt to re-align himself, his eyes fell upon the Corsa. Slow, gradual cracks began to emerge upon the man’s mottled face until, finally, he burst out into a loud, throaty guffaw. Disturbed and irritated by the noise, his mates turned to him with inquisitive and accusing eyes. Then, following the line of his gaze, they themselves saw the car and, one by one, they all creased up with laughter, the force of which causing some to lose their already shaky balance and crash into the al fresco furniture.
Her face now completely reddened and aware of her increasing audience, ‘Janine’ seemed to change her mind about stopping off at the Lincolnshire Arms public house. Brushing away a stray lock from her eyes, she accelerated the car forwards and drove with considerable conviction out of the car park, disappearing away into the distance.
Satisfied, Mark turned to the drunkards on laughing gas. “Show’s over, boys,” he said, heading inside.
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Both the action and the setting seem to stop short of being entirely connected. For example, “…crash into the al fresco furniture.”
Give more detail, like “…crash into the alfresco furniture that lay scattered around the tavern’s entrance like an afterthought.”
Also, the woman is standing outside the car, and then she’s driving away without ever having gotten into the car. The body language she uses while climbing into the car before driving away might add a lot of information to the story.
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Insert “what” in the first sentance. I like “throaty guffaw”. There is an overuse of commas like in the lines ”Another bemused spectator, a smartly-dressed, pot-bellied man in his late-thirties, spat out his cigarette onto the ground and stubbed it out with the heel of his immaculate black brogues. With a sharp nod of his head, he indicated the struggling motorist” which can make the flow confusing and motorist sounds like she was riding a motorcycle.
he leant // he leaned
she accelerated the car forwards // forward
Obviously it’s very difficult to comment on this since it’s just a small scene taken out of context, so I’ll follow your reviewer’s notes.
The flow is fine; the writing is more than adequate. My impressions of the characters are that “janine” is anxiety-ridden and skittish, obviously embarrassed by her impromptu audience, and will most likely burst into tears the moment she is out of view of the bar. Mark, on the other hand, strikes me as a judgmental jerk. Maybe he has reason to be, I don’t know. The drunkards are – well, buffoons, as inebriated folk usually are.
Hopefully that gives you what you’re looking for.
The fuck is she doing?-if mark is cursing under his breath shuoldn’t this be dialog or was it inner dialog?
I think you do a good job with putting us in the story. Though, you could add a little more color to the scences for my liking but that’sjust me. I like your voice, it’s fresh. I could picture Mark and the nervous woman driver very well…so that’s a big plus! Over all, it was the easiest one to read tonight. Thnaks for that:)
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