I think you will find a lot of your answers through by previous chapters.
I am really glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for taking the time to read me and comment on my work.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Beyond The Dreams - Chapter 5
The razorblades progressively disappeared in the flesh of her shoulders, intensifying the pain with each additional second. The legs of her massive rival anchored her hips to the ground, the throbbing of her shoulders making any slight move an agony. The teeth were closing on her, almost tearing her face apart. “Axia!” This command, perceived by her trained ear, was the click that made her react. She repositioned her hips, freeing herself slightly but just enough. Surmounting the overwhelming pain, she inversed the vector of the force pressuring her and pushed, rolling on the side, now on top. She knew she had to move away from this monster. She would never see the end of this battle if she kept on wrestling with the Maxist, her stature was far too superior to hers.
A crushing noise shattered cartilage and bone: a head blow had transformed the rival’s nose into a mesh of bright flesh, punctuated with the whitish color of the bone. Axia was now a few feet away from her opponent. The Maxist, a bloody nose, her vision blurred, rose, wobbly. She spat a big blob of blood, clearing her trachea. She looked like she had lost some of her assertiveness but her determination had remained. It was now all too exacerbated. Meanwhile, Axia was suffering. The throbbing ache produced by her shoulders where the tissues had been lacerated, was spreading in her veins, bitter. The biochemical data was only now interpreted: poison, it could be nothing else. But how? The Maxist she had beaten in the past had not sheltered such characteristic! She could not however think about this detail right now. She had to be all the more careful. Each hit, in addition of cutting the skin, would free more of the unknown substance. Axia was all too scared of the effects of this poison that she did not know.
She moved on the Maxist. She had initiated a svedja offense, king-fu, karate, taekwondo mixed at random. Her blows were precise and rapid but the Maxist was keeping up. Offense and defense succeeded one another, mastered by one or the other. Axia focused on her rival’s fists, the weak dose of poison already affecting her metabolism, slowing her down slightly. The beast had noticed it and the light of insolence had resurfaced in her eye.
As the Maxist switched to her offensive phase, Axia stopped one of her blow with her hand. A new surge of poison secreted by the glands entered her vessels. She then seized the manly arm and sliced, net, soiling her forearm with blood. The beast knelt under the intensity of the pain, her arm split on more than half its diameter. In a fraction of a second, she forgot this defeat and planted her teeth such as a vampire in the calf offered to her. The warm blood splattered as Axia bowed. The Maxist was back on her feet, now above her, her face smeared with blood.
Axia was trying to raise on her good leg when the pain rushed in her mind, splitting her reason under its force. The Maxist was busy gashing her back with her poisoned stingers. The blades pierced her docile skin, freeing the toxic substance in high dosage… No, Axia would not give up…ever…
Perforation. Axia’s fingers disappeared in the Maxist’s chest, nested in the path opened by her needles, which, maculated with blood, came out on the other side of the planted body. Surprised habited the monster’s features covered by blood. The blood from the nose was turning dark red, quick coagulation, but the blood dieing her mouth was still fresh.
A short second unfolded while the Maxist kept her undecided look on Axia, still shocked. Then, she began to dislodge herself from the metal poles. The blood stream escaping from the wounds thinned as the needles pressed on the vessels, trying to detach. The sliding of the needles of the spongy flesh moist of blood and lymph gave out a suction noise as the air entered the now empty wounds. Axia’s back where the flesh had been shredded was pulsating with aching pain. She now had to act and quickly. The amount of poison filling her blood would soon shut her body down. Her moves were rapidly becoming slower and slower. She had to end this.
The Maxist was crawling, her legs hanging behind her, lifeless. Her spine had been perforated, paralyzing her lower extremities. Two bloody streaks spread on the polished ground. Tongue-like, they stretched out progressively as the Maxist advanced. Axia cut her rival’s vain attempts short, pushing her harmed leg on her bloody hips. The beast had lost her confidence. She was vainly trying to cut Axia, waving her arms in front of her. Axia dodged with no difficulty. The last gleam of hope buried in the Maxist’s mind faded away as she let herself go to the ground, dominated.
The Faulxis regained conscious to the musical intonations, the screams of the crowd… she had been so focused that nothing other than the aim of survival had reached her mind.
She laid her eyes on the steps, scanning the crowd. She could feel the sadism in those eyes, the high induced by violence. Her muscles, hardened by the poison, were failing to react to her brain influxes. She focused on the Precursor. Satisfied by the pouring of blood, he rose, studying the crowd. The spectators, conscious of the imminent end, stood up as well. The music had not stopped but only recessed to a background atmosphere.
The imposing screen, transmitting the images to the people on the higher steps, changed images. A close-up circled Axia who was waiting patiently. The image was so clear that pearls of sweat could be spotted on her face ravaged by pain.
The gong rang. The Precursor pronounced a word, fatidic: “Vote!” A few seconds elapsed, solemn. The gong rang again. All the faces turned to the screen. The window showing Axia reduced to a small mosaic in the corner to reveal the informative data.
The numbers spoke on their own. The Precursor turned to Axia. Looking directly at her for the first time, he authenticated the Judgment, nodding slowly.
Just as slowly, Axia grabbed the corset, raising her enemie’s bust. The Maxist’s breathing was now wheezing, her mouth full of blood: hemorrhage.
“No fatality once again. It’s for the best this time, I am in no condition.”
She seized the sticky head, the bones clutched, the tissues ripped…
No applauds, no screams…just silence. The public was upset and disgusted. They felt ashamed for having believed the fight resolved even before its start.
She exited the arena through the same opening that had brought her there. Behind her, the screen blinked out, erasing the death sentence: “Death – Quick death.”
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Allex_Spires reviewed Version 1 -
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The razorblades progressively disappeared in the flesh of her shoulders,
[What razorblades? Where did they come from? How are the razors able to do this?]
intensifying the pain
[What pain? when did the pain start? Are the razorblades the cause of the pain, or are they just intensifying a pre-existing pain?]
with each additional second.
[How long does it take for a razorblade to to disappear in a shoulder?]
The legs of her massive rival anchored her hips to the ground,
[How? What position is this? Is she on her back or on her belly? Is her massive rival straddling her, which would be the weight of the entire body, so her rival must be sitting ith its legs going across her. Where do the razors come in?]
the throbbing of her shoulders making any slight move an agony.
[This says that there is a throbbing in the rivals shoulders. the comma after “ground” must be the word “and”]
The teeth were closing on her, almost tearing her face apart.
[What were they doing instead of tearing her face apart? If they were almost tearing her face apart, then they weren’t tearing her face apart. What were they doing?]
“Axia!”
[Who said this? where does this verbage come from? Dialogue starts a new paragraph. Considering that neiuther character said this, it absolutely has to be a new paragraph]
This command, perceived by her trained ear,
[Some people call the perception of sound “hearing”]
was the click that made her react.
[What does that mean? Are you referring to Pavlov’s dogs? Those were bells. See: Ivan Pavlov]
She repositioned her hips, freeing herself slightly but just enough.
[If it was just enough, don’t bother saying that it was slightly because just enough is generally going to be very slight. Just enough for what?]
Surmounting the overwhelming pain,
[Is it surmounting or ignoring?]
she inversed the vector of the force pressuring her
[its a force of pressure on her, not a force pressuring her. How did she do that? telling us that she somehow judoed from the floor agaoinst an opponent on top of her doesn’t make any sense. First, she would have to completely free her legs, otherwise she’s just going to be sitting up with this beast atop her still. Then, she would have to alter its center of gravity so that it would be moving on its own and with her help]
and pushed, rolling on the side, now on top.
[How?
She knew she had to move away from this monster.
[Well, that’s good to know]
She would never see the end of this battle if she kept on wrestling with the Maxist, her stature was far too superior to hers.
[could you be more specific as to who “her” refers to?]
All of the problems mentioned here, in your first paragraph repeat throughout the story. We have no clear picture of what the monster looks like, what Axia looks like. Everything that is necessary for this story to be anything more than a blurb about a story is still in your head.
I realize that this is Chapter five and some of the visual stimuli might appear in the preceding chapters, but I reead this, and what I got was a bunch of stuff happening to people I can’t see and described in ways that I can’t imagine.
Never assume that your reader is stupid but do assume that your reader is ignorant. You need to take them by the hand and point out every little thing.
How to write a story, swimming with ads, sorry
BBC’s How to write in various forms, Radio play, memoir, novel, screenplay.
Show, Don’t Just Tell, and what that means.
Fifty Tools and Tips for Writing
The people at LifeHack.org made the introduction and compiled the list, I realize that their presentation uses poor grammar but don’t let that detract from the articles themselves.
Roy Peter Clark, from the Poynter Institute, a Florida based journalism school, wrote the articles, which all link to Poynter.org.
I don’t think that there is this much help for writers, compiled for easy access, in any other one place on the web.
If you’re unsure about your grammar:
Grammar Blue Book
On-Line Dictionary/Thesaurus/Encyclopedia
If you think you have a neat idea, but aren’t sure how something works, you might decide to make it up. There’s no need because you can visit HowStuffWorks.com.
And, of course, there’s always the The WikiPedia.
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Gavinswar reviewed Version 1 -
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It was a bit hard to follow at times, your wording made it that way. I like you descrpitons but sometimes you repeat things and it sounds redundant,
Example: ” Maxist, her stature was far too superior to hers.” Its just made things hard to follow.
Also at times your over articulate and it also forces a reread in order to surmise what exactly happened.
Another is POV you seem to switch often giving incites that are not possible sometimes we know the beasts thought other times it Axia’s. It needs to be clearer.
Hope this helps
Gavinswar
stygmarsh reviewed Version 1 -
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I will write it as I read it and give some overview at the end if thats ok with you.
I appreciate its chapter 5 and presume the reader knows whose the razorblades are and in whose shoulders they are in – otherwise remedy or put it in the “notes for reviewers”. The rival is on top of her, but cant bite her straightaway? almost tearing her face apart – since they havent reached / bitten yet maybe “threatening to tear..etc ”? Whose command I wonder? Maybe pushed with a sudden snap of effort, creating a momentary space to roll aside? I dont think it was the noise that did it? Id like you to describe the blow please! Maybe ‘whitish specs’ (of gristle if you want gore!). Not keen on ‘exacerbated’ here – maybe ‘had remained and that alone was keeping her going’? bitter? Can it feel bitter? Smelt maybe or did she wipe it and taste? ‘demonstrated such a devious characteristic’ maybe? net? Im not sure where the needles come from or the net? Pain-ravaged face? Who does she say “no fatality..etc” to?
Overview: I dont know the exact context of the piece but it was very precise and very exciting writing! It needs a proper paragraph structure to encapsulate the phases of the battle and you could expand some parts maybe (the bits I wasnt sure of!).
monsterchild60 reviewed Version 1 -
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i think i got a few bruises just reading
this. very good. i was a part of this
battle. could almost taste the blood myself.
jaxx reviewed Version 1 -
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A very readable story, hugely gory but I had to keep reading which is the essence, I was a little confused at the end though, not really sure what happened and why. Could be just me though.(Blond) But I really enjoyed it.
Definitely deserves to be read, thanks for the opportunity.
davet reviewed Version 1 -
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This sounds like an exiting fight – if only it didn’t drag on so…
And what does “maculated” mean?
The writing seems to be too full of purple prose, description for the sake of description; and it gets in the way of the exitement – blunts it and slows down the action.
You need to be much much tighter, and keep the language far simpler.
Let the story out, instead of smothering it.
TheUnknownPen reviewed Version 1 -
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The whole time I read this piece one thing seemed to jump put at me above all else: It seems that you try to hard to use ‘big’ words. While the use of ‘big words’ is nice in a work, they must be used correctly for the effect to work. It seems you have tried to hard to stick them in, thus, at times, they interrupt the flow, or sometimes could have been left out all together. Their overuse cold also make the work harder to understand for some. (You cannot write expecting only the most highly educated and extremely literate people to read it)
Lisa_M reviewed Version 1 -
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Whoa, violent much? I’m kidding. I liked it and now I’ll have to go back and read the first parts. Is this Axia some sort of superpowerful human? Or is she just someone forced for whatever reason to fight?
You certainly captured the moment (moments) well, I could almost smell the blood mixed with the sweat of the crowd. You also showed how imhuman we have always been towards one another. With the screen and the points and the Quick death across the screen I am asumming it’s now or future and not the Romans we’re dealing with. But it does kinda make one take stock in how much we love violence as a race. Good job and I hope this was what you were looking for.
annana reviewed Version 1 -
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As per your request, I’ll ignore spelling. I will focus on week sentences/imagery, because you want your fight scene strong and flowing. Please indent your paragraphs (use three or four spaces, for Urbis, not paragraph formatting.)
The razorblades progressively disappeared in the flesh – this strikes me as a strange, external-visual phrase. Personally, I’d do it as internal-visceral. “The razorblades slid deeper into my flesh…”
She repositioned her hips, freeing herself slightly but just enough. – your readers will wonder how she did this. In the sentence before the massive weight of her opponent had her hips pinned. If she’s going to do this, you’ll have to show us that this is some extreme effort. Maybe she can move her face away, and the pursuit by the jaws means the centre of gravity shifts slightly, making her effort possible. If Axia follows through, she can continue using the momentum gained to allow her reversal.
Surmounting the overwhelming pain, she inversed the vector of the force pressuring her and pushed, rolling on the side, now on top. – this sentence is terribly unclear. I cannot visualise “inversing the vector”. This is a crucial manoeuvre. You really want us to see it.
Also, “surmounting the overwhelming pain” is a bit passive to me, “Even prana-bindhu techniques could not entirely suppress the pain, so Axia simply ignored the raging agony. If this didn’t work, she was dead. She stretched her neck sideways and back, as if avoiding the clashing jaws. As the Maxist stretched in pursuit, the centre of gravity shifted enough to allow a little motion in her him, giving her enough leverage to use the momentum as her opponant leaned towards her. She suddenly pulled, instead of pushing, sliding her elbow between them to hold off the fangs, and at the same time, made a supreme effort with her legs and back, pushing the massive creature over, and riding her so that as they rolled, Axia became the upper fighter.”
if she kept on wrestling with the Maxist, her stature was far too superior to hers. – too many “her”s, and too difficult to tell which is which. “…if she kept on wrestling. The superior stature and mass of the Maxist was too much for her.”
A crushing noise shattered cartilage and bone: a head blow had transformed the rival’s nose into – My opinion, but I’d like to see the action before the sound. I like choreography in fight scenes. “She slammed her forehead into the face before her. A crushing sound of shattered cartilage and bone followed as her head blow transformed her…” - This change also deals with the fact that the “crushing noise” did not shatter anything, it is the noise of the shattering.
_The Maxist, a bloody nose, her vision blurred, rose, wobbly. _ – “The Maxist, a bloody nose,” does not make sense. “The Maxist, nose bloody, vision blurred, rose on wobbly legs.”
a big blob – “blob” sounds… blobby. Maybe “a large clot”
She looked like she had lost some of her assertiveness but her determination had remained. “She looked like she had” is telling, and slow, and drags down the tempo of the piece. How can “determination” be seen (looked at)? Show us what Axia sees.
It was now all too exacerbated. – What “it” is exacerbated? “Exacerbated” means “made more extreme”; you don’t need to use “too”.
Meanwhile, Axia was suffering. – Drop “meanwhile”. It might be an idea to say what she was suffering: “agony”, “excruciating pain”, “nerves on fire from the damage she’d taken”. Whatever.
The throbbing ache produced by her shoulders – her shoulders don’t produce the ache, her wounds do. - where the tissues had been lacerated – too convoluted. “The lacerated tissue in her shoulder sent throbbing fire up her nerves.”
_was spreading in her veins, bitter. _ – Make this a separate sentence and describe the sensation. Bitter is a taste. How do veins sense it?
She could not however think about this detail right now. – Awkward. “She didn’t have time to contemplate this new danger, but would need to make certain she was not slashed again, and have more poison to deal with.”
Axia was all too scared of the effects of this poison that she did not know. – Awkward. “The unknown poison worried and frightened her.”
_Offense and defense succeeded one another, mastered by one or the other. _ – Awkward. You need to clarify what this means.
_She then seized the manly arm and sliced, net, soiling her forearm with blood. _ – Both your characters are “she”. I’m not certain who seizes who, and whose forearm is soiled, the slicer or slicee. Also, what does “net” mean?
_her arm split on more than half its diameter. _ – Awkward
_In a fraction of a second, she forgot this defeat and planted her teeth such as a vampire in the calf offered to her. _ – Really awkward.
_The warm blood splattered as Axia bowed. _ – Axia bowed? And which blood, from the arm or the calf?
From here, nearly every phrase becomes very awkward. You really need to go back and edit.
I think you have an interesting story. The fight seems action-packed, and you’re getting much better at showing action. You do need to watch your sentence structure, and the use of words.
THOTHGUARD51 reviewed Version 1 -
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Reviewed previous chapter so you know what I thought then and I can honestly say, this piece does not show improve. But I am unsure if it was posted before or after my previous reviews, so I will not say, you have not improved.
You biggest problem is still the 1st rule of writing. Show the story, don’t tell the story.
Your writing is very Passive when it should be in Active voice storytelling. I explained this once before so I will not go into detail again and cost you even more credits.
Another issue, If a scene goes on for too long, the reader becomes bored. Even in action scence’s. They should be quick, to the point, explaining in graphic detail so the reader sees exactly what your characters see’s and nothing more. Anything from the writers perspective…(that unseen narrator)...is taking the reader out of your characters POV and taking the reader out of show vs tell.
Do a google search for writing techinques, Passive Voice vs Active voice. Active is the voice you want to write in. Its much more interesting.
Keep going though, you’ll get it.
Nick.
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