Sci Fi & Fantasy / Goth Kid

  Interesting.  I like the take on vampires in this piece, but it doesn’t really step to far outside of the norm.  It makes it good for a quick read, since I’m a fan of “vamp-ish” things anyway.  I like the reference to people thinking vampirism is a “mindset.”  I won’t even get into the discussion here, but I do like that you wove that into the story.  

I’ve taken many a fiction writing class, so let me use one of my favorite professors advice: show, don’t tell. If it makes Luccia ‘sick to her stomach’ then don’t say that. Write ‘Luccia felt nauseated just being near this place’. Try to avoid the words ‘am, is will, was’ use other ways to describe. ‘The club WAS called Lost Souls’ would be better if described ‘Lost Souls was inscribed on a sign in dark gothic lettering.’ You get my point. I like it though, good start. I’d like more action, a climax in the distant future perhaps? let me know, I’d like to read more when you have it.

Lots of spelling mistakes. It seems as though this is only part of the story. The ending is wound up too quickly, it doesn’t match with the beginning (the way it’s written). Maybe give the reader an idea of how old Luccia is, is she a modern vampire or a really old one? The paragraph about prey choice needs work with the wording.
The lore is sorta tired, but I like the way she’s using disbelief to cover herself. I also like how you show she’s aware of the modern world and the news she could create.

I will jot down thoughts as I read and comment at the end.

Luccia was out side (outside) of one of those Goth…

the soul (sole) reason  - should be sole unless of course you were eluding to the fact Luccia had sold her soul…

Everytime [that she would go to]she went one of these clubs she found [that] the people were basically the same…  -  I find if you read your writing and underline every “that”, nine out of ten of them are not necessary.

for they were truely abomination.  -  needs to be “an abomination” or truely abominations.

world wode (wide) news..

Vampires in pink.  I like it.  The tortured vampire has been done a lot; Angel, the one from Interview with a vampire, Forever Knight BUT Luccia is tormented about being tormented.

Besides these were the only types of kills that Luccia really enjoyed and a girl should always be able to treat her self every once and a while.   – Hey if you are stuck being a monster, feel as bad as you like but you might as well enjoy yourseld while you are at it.   You could have fun playing with this idea.

Good work.

I like where your going with this story.  And I appreciate how your acknowledging the modern theories of vampires, your not treating the reader as if this the first vampire book on the market.
I would be careful about moving too fast thru your story.
Overall, it’s a good start, I would keep reading.
Keep up the good work.

Luccia Luccia Luccia.

Every sentence has her name in it. (Well, two out of three) You don’t need that for the reader to know that you are talking about Luccia. We get the idea that she is the one you are talknig about.

You said from the beginning that your grammar sucked, I know, but still. IT wouldn’t kill to run it through a quick edit. I’ll do it myself if your computer doesn’t have the equipment. There is no reason for a piece to have that many problems.

I gave you a five because of your repetition, you grammar, aand all that technical things. I gave you an 8 for the plot, but that would be without the other needed points. If you wwant this published, great for you, but you need to clean it up. No publisher will publish it with these problems.

—One other thing. Grammar does have a lot to do with a story.

Your telling us too much, this isnt a documentary on vampires, accept that anyone that reads sci fi is going to know a bit about them and some knowledge is left best unsaid.
YOu also at no point put us into Luccia’s shoes, just her rather overly pondering thoughts.
Have her do something and let us follow along. EXample when she killed the nameless kid at the end, could it be more drab, nothing was compelling about it, and it could/should have been.

Its just genericly writen, but people read fiction to be taken away, tell us what the club is like the pound of the music, the smell of blood in the air. Let us feel the hunger that boils in Luccia and the rage she has at the ignorant for wanting to be what she is and hates.
Make it a great piece, you need to bring your passion across to us. Give us a reason to keep reading, its drab fill it with something out of the norm, a love interest a unanswered question that we need to know.
Try harder, I think you could write but your being coy and not pushing yourself, this is it push and make us feel the way you did when writing.
Show us why its worth it to read about the GOth Kid
Gavinswar

We will skip the grammar part. The rest of the concept of Luccia is quite good. You did a good job of explaining her powers and her weaknesses and the false things that people believed about vampires. I’ve heard of blood bars before but I wouldn’t want to try one in these days of AIDs. Still Luccia is an intriguing character but I didn’t see where there was anymore to this story. I would try to write it into the chapters of a novel or something. Expand on her story.

“If somebody slightly cut them selves, Luccia knew that she had to control herself for these were for the old days, she could not kill whoever she wanted to. But it would be tempting because the smell of the blood would roll down her cold dead vains and make her want to consume that person whole.
” This line is difficult to read, and I had to go over it a number of times. Try;
_{It was not like the old days when she could take anyone at any time. Times were different now. She could still smell it when someone would cut themselves, even slightly, the scent of it would wash through her cold dead veins. It was an urge, impossible to control, devour that person whole.}

“In the past those types of legands helped Luccia and other like her to be able to get at people who believed in those legands.”
Try
_{In the past, those legends would be quite helpfull to her and her kind. Those who belived them would use these beliefs as tests. In doing so would prove the guilty innocsent.}

“The only real defense that vampires have these days is the fact that most people don’t believe in tham for if they did they could easily track tham, and wipe them out because of modern technology.”
Try
_{Their only defence nowadays is that no one trully belived in them anymore. If they had, in these modern times, they would be tracked, hunted, and eradicated.}

Aside from a few slight changes, and the use of spell check, It’s well written, and the story is quite good. Your spelling is not bad, it’s better than mine, but I use spellcheck more than any other process on my computer, lol. Either way, I liked the story. Keep writing.

_I suck at grammar, I know it so don’t point it out. You can tell me anything you want to about the story as long as it’s not about grammar _

I understand, but I’ll promise to review the story itself if you let me do a bit of grammar stuff. (Someone’s gotta do it, LOL)

I’ve read some of Luccia’s story previously. I think this is much better than the piece I read before. You seem really to have taken command of the scene and character. It develops very well. Luccia has a strong voice, a strong character expressed through attitude and thoughts. As a vampire, I found her very believable, and liked that she prefers colours, though I would have liked electric blue or apple green, better than the extreme contrast of pink. LOL. It’s a nice touch, and quite realistic in the sense that vampires would not be interested in maintaining the images humans have.

I felt interested, and very connected and engaged. I liked Luccia, felt real empathy for her, in spite of the fact she is not particularly happy, bright, or kind. I thought her attitude was just right.

One thing you may want to consider is the impact of age, and having seen a century of time pass. It would put her “birth” at a time when electricity and cars were only starting to be common. So much would have changed, both technically and socially.

At the same time, I like the fact that Luccia seems mentally young, consistent with her age when she became a vampire.

Again, I really liked this, thought it works well as story, speaking as a fan of vampire fiction.

That of course leaves the problem of grammar. It really is noticeable, mostly technical things rather than phrases or the way you tell your story. I’ve listed most of the things I noticed.

_out side _ – “Outside” is one word. Suddenly, lots of younger people seem to be splitting many such words into two. Maybe they’re teaching it in school. It is wrong and it bugs me a lot!
_when ever _ – whenever
_day light _ – daylight
_them selves _ – themselves
_her self _ – herself

_Lost Souls”, to _ Start a new sentence with “To”.

_the soul reason _ – “sole” (singular) not “soul” (spirit)

_the idea of being a vampire is the ultimate force in the universe, she _ – New sentence at “She”. It’s either “the idea of being a vampire as the ultimate force in the universe.” or “the idea that vampires are the ultimate force in the universe.” or “the idea that being a vampire is being an ultimate force in the universe.” All have somewhat different meanings.

_during the day light, so that limits _ – “…during daylight. That limits…”
_rome _ – “roam”

_of crosses, that _ – New sentence at “That”.

_truely _ – “truly”

_The main most important point _ drop “main”.

_crave blood it was _ – New sentence at “It”.

_never ending thirst. _ – “never-ending”

_control herself for these _ – comma after “herself”.

_for these were for the old days _ – “not the old days”

_vains and _ – “veins”

_victims home _ – “victim’s home”

_Luccia and other like her _ – “others like her”

_world wode news _ – “world-wide news” or better “world news”, “international news”.

_believe in tham for if they _ – “them” , and you either need a comma after “them”, or drop “for” and start a new sentence at “If”.

_wipe them out because of modern _ – “wipe them out with (or “using”) modern…”

_reportters. _ – “reporters”

_To her the Laci Petterson’s were the types to avoid, _ – unclear. “The Laci Pettersons of this world were…” or “To her, people like Laci Petterson were…” – Colon or period after “avoid”.

_also pregnant, but she also made _ – “also pregnant, so she made…”

_knew that if it would have been _ – “knew if it had been..” or “knew that if it had been…”

_She knew that she was taking a risk by being outside of this, but _ – words like “that” can weaken your prose. It’s not clear what “of this” refers to. “She knew she was taking a risk by being outside, but.. ” or “outside the club like this, but..”

_who actually belived that they were a vampire. _ “who actually believed they were a vampire. “

_the same to Luccia dressed in _ – “the same to Luccia; dressed in…” semi-colon here, coz you have a list of things.

_make up in black, and a lot of them had obviously dyed their black. _ – describe the make-up a bit more. Generally pale faces, black brows, nails and lips black or deep blood-red. “and a lot of them had hair dyed an obvious flat black.”

_obssesed with the color black _ – “obsessed” and you use the exact same phrase in following sentences. The second one could be “that obsessed.”

_surving blood _ – “serving”

_blood bars, humans who were so convinced that they were vampires would gather in places, and _ – awkward. Maybe “blood bars, where humans who were so convinced they were vampires would gather, and…” – Also, as a reader, you need at least to at least mention whether the blood is animal, or human. (Where would they get that? What about health risks?)

_one of the kids that had taken _ – grammatically, it should be “who had taken”, but this may work as “Luccia’s voice.” If you are going to do that though, you’ll need to make it consistent, and not overdo it.

_goth kids saw the kid drink blood, and told her that _ – too many “kid”s. You could just say “goths” instead of “goth kids” for the first. Also, I wasn’t sure if the “her” was Luccia or the “kid”.

_Luccia did kill the goth kid who said that vampire was a state of mind. She was also happy that the press didn’t follow up too much on the story, and that they thought it was a crazy goth kid who actuallt (“actually”) though that they were a vampire. _ – It’s been so lively up to here, that this line struck me as weird. You need to treat this the way you’ve done the rest, showing it.
___
While there are lots of grammatical things to fix, this is a fabulous piece. I really enjoyed it! Great conceptualisation, great character, well developed. I look forward to seeing more.