Limericks / Ashlee- The perils of Lesbian Love

This Ashlee, she finds me online
I meet her, and sure take a shine
But with me unsuspecting,
she says, “I’m expecting!”
And I Swear before God it’s not mine!

This Ashlee, she finds me online.
So we meet and I like her just fine.
But I (unsuspecting)
Find out she’s expecting;
Though I’m pretty sure it’s not mine.

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Reviews

February 11, 2008

Brynn

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
102	93.4% (76 votes)	45.2%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	F	Canada	October 16

Brynn reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I would have to say I like the first one better. Though I would change line 3 a bit to be “But me, unsuspecting” or something with one less word. Makes it flow better.
Overall VERY funny and original idea. Ha, I could imagine THAT converstaion. One other thing….had the title not been about lesbians, I would have been TOTALLY lost….maybe change title to something not so “give away” and add another stanza/limerick to explain that more. That way the reader isnt reading the title as a “spoiler” Good job, made me laugh.
Cant wait to read more=0)

Eve

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December 02, 2007

juniegirl

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
18	53.8% (13 votes)	2.8%

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53	F	Bakersfield, CA	November 26

juniegirl reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

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November 20, 2007

War_Cry

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
178	41.7% (12 votes)	16.1%

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52	F	Whittier, CA	March 21

War_Cry reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

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November 18, 2007

rdoty

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
219	63.6% (11 votes)	38.1%

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38	M	Brookfield, IL	October 24

rdoty reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

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November 12, 2007

jadecat

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
80	100.0% (1 votes)	30.1%

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41	F	Traverse City, MI	December 02

jadecat reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

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November 05, 2007

freckleface

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
376	85.1% (47 votes)	52.8%

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34	F	Little Rock, AR	September 09

freckleface reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

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October 12, 2007

VoidSucker

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
380	70.6% (34 votes)	40.8%

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39	M	United Kingdom	December 03

VoidSucker reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

Version 1 is better. It has more impact to have her tell you she is expecting plus the line 5 in version 1 is stronger: ‘swear before God’ has a lot more impact than ‘I’m pretty sure’ in line 5 of version 2.

I’d take line 2 in version 2 and use it in version 1 as I think it is better. You could also change line 4 from says to screams, eg:

This Ashlee, she finds me online
So we meet, I like her just fine.
But with me unsuspecting,
She screams, “I’m expecting!”
But I swear before God it’s not mine!

Better!