Poetry / Time to Be Gone

This poem, is a triumph. Although it may not be for all readers, I loved the way it kept tempo for me. I reveled in it complexity, and at the same time all of it’s simplicity. I always come to Annie whenever I am on here I want to see what she has done this time. But she has over done it this time. Annie, you have created, and I am so impressed by your writing.

Definitely not my style, so I’ll try not to make subjective comments.

It’s a nice subject and certainly worth writing about.  Rhyme and rhythm are essential to your structure, but you’ve got to fight the urge to use lazy, cliche or overly abstract language for the sake of either.  From “A new day is dawning…  to  ... brighten her hue” has some examples of all three.  You’re trying to evoke the promise of a new day but your word choice keeps you earthbound in that effort.  A solid revision could really sharpen it.
I like “patterns the Earth” for example.  Active, fresh, evocative, rhythmic…  strive for more of that!

Some specific problems to consider, which may seem picky, but do detract from the power of the poem.  Rain doesn’t pool in drainpipes, it ‘collects’ maybe (which doesn’t imply the stillness of pool.)  It’s a stretch to think of dirty air as containing ‘grit’.  Dunno.  MAYBE.   “Gilded” means covered over in gold, not made of gold.  Metaphorically it more often suggests a false promise of greatness or hope, something base simply covered over to make it look valuable.  That’s clearly not what you mean here.

Hope this helps.

Beautifully vivid, I think.  I really felt as if I could not only see the rain, but taste it!  That’s just the thing, though—to me, this poem seemed to be more about the feeling of a springtime rain (which I love) than about “time to be gone” which threw me just a little bit.  The title, and the last line itself.  Perhaps I’m missing an underlying theme of the poem.  But it really gave me a natural feeling.  By that I mean NATURE-al.      

Like one of the reviewers mentioned above, that eight line sentence IS a bit lengthy, maybe you can add some punctuation to it to break it up?  That’s pretty much all I’ve got, other than that—beautiful writing, annie!  

-A.J.  

I like the rhythm I got while reading it, it was almost like a melody.

The poem flows well and the rhyme is solid throughout.  For some reason the end is a little forced.  I would play with the last line.  Change it up a bit and see what you come up with.  I cannot come up with a different ending, it is your poem, just a thought.  Overall I feel it and like it.  ”it pools in their drainpipes
and rushes within”  This line makes the reader feel the total sensation of rain and water.  Nice!

Great poem, dramatic, sad and romantic.

I just have one thing for a change is the structure of the poem and the use of punctuation. Say for example:

‘The rain falls on rooftops,
It patters in their tin,
It pools in their drainpipes,
And rushes within.
It cleans out the air,
Takes away all it’s grit,
Washes the world,
For the sunrise to fit.’

Etc..you get the jist of what I mean.

But I like the way you structured it out without punctuation, the use of commars etc…You captured the effect from my point of view, as if it was talking from the narrator’s/storyteller’s view.

I think you have great potential, keep up the good work and keep writing.  

I liked it.  I wonder how long you have been writing but at any rate this is really nice.  I am not sure if anyone has said this but if you are doing rhyme then it should be consistent.  Other than that keep up the good work!!

This is borderline sensational. However, it reads a bit awkwardly where you’ve chosen not to break up the 8 line sentence.

Just a very pleasant read from start to finish.pretty evocative of the images you’re trying to conjure and nicely structured with excellent use of rhyme.

I think you did an amazing job with word choice. I was expecting to have a few corrections, but I really can’t find any. This poem is beautifully put together and it flows together as one. I think my favorite lines were these:

“The rain falls in droplets
it patterns the Earth
it fastens in cobwebs
and shimmers its mirth.”

I think that the wording here is beautiful and it paints a picture in my mind. Great job. :)