Poetry / Alcoholism

My first thoughts are ‘holy crap’.  I’ve never seen a suicide, I never want to.  You emotions are highly tied in this piece.  That is exactly what I look for, if anyone can depict a emotion so excact even when there is no previous or similar events within the own owners life.  It leaves me in horror at the end.  The gunshot click, the holes it leaves in the moon light, creepy and satisfing to the imagery.  

I wish it could be that easy for all of us.

This would make a kickass short story.

Of course, I don’t get the significance of  ”She’s mispelled”
It’s like the poem actually starts after that
Unless it was a moment where it was about her, until Dad notices the brother drinking and then he’s front and center again, but apparently, for the last time, at least because of that.

son staring down bottle’s barrel
Foolishly, father grabbed trigger, down bottle went

these are powerful, in part because one assumes the gun metaphor is being continued, and then the literal meaning is more of a surprise (that’s with an “s” by the way, unless you meant for it not to be)

Phone singing.

Nice.

“With what just happened” ... that may not be the strongest way to phrase that,  though I am personally a fan of a bit of plain speaking amid the metaphors.  Some people can’t stop poetizing even for a moment.  

We knew where that shotgun blast went.

As though watching a magician disappear a thing…I can almost see you all standing there, stunned. Like, we knew where his drinking went.  The same place as the shotgun blast…

I think the construction of the last line is awkward, tho, compared to the rest of it.  It’s a complete sentence, but an odd one.  You might want to try a different construction on that bit. Especially if you like “with what just happened,” and you want to keep that part.  Between the two of them, they weigh it down somehow.  

I frikken love this, tho… your dad shot your brother’s drinking problem and killed it.  If that worked consistently,  you could market it, I swear.

Tnx!

I find that this is a very good beginning to what could be a great poem.  It just seems that there needs to be a little more clarity as to what is actually happening.  Maybe a few more lines to distinguish what is really going on.  Why did brother not drink?  I am not clearly grasping it.  Because the father took the bottle?  

Wow! The movement, metaphors are stunning. Your storyline is stunning as well.  You have some wording that could be trimmed up, though.

First line is 20 words, I might trim:
“Gazing into the moon for comfort,(line break)
She was mispelled by her father’s eyes (line break)
He looked away.”
I would line break more often, and trim out some demonstratives (they, the, a) to build your suspense.
Last line is my pet peeve: if it’s needless to say, then why say it?

You can easily cut that out.

Alltogether, stunning idea, hell of a story, hell of a title, but some slight trimming. I enjoyed it!

Don’t blame him!
“Seeing” or “he saw his son”
surprised us. We
Third line from the bottom doesn’t have a verb=not a sentence or say”We heard the echo of the broken glass”

rang(.)It

THis reads more like prose than poetry, and there are major problems.

“Misspelled by..” Huh? Perhaps you are looking for ‘disspelled’ or ‘dismissed’?

‘down the bottle went’ Makes it sound like father ate the whole bottle, not just its contents.

‘no one to answer’  Were the kids forbidden from answering the phone? Or did something else happen?

‘eyes…open’ Needs a little work, eyes tend not to drop open.

‘The phone’ Sounds like the phone itself hit it’s own ringer.  Awkward structure.

‘With what…’ More structure problems.

Ok, how can they hear nothing with ‘the echo of broken glass’? An echo is a sound.

Share with the reader what happened to that shotgun blast.

‘Needless to say’ should be dropped. If you don’t need to say it, why is it there?

decent poem about suicide – it seemed as though the bottle was going to be symbolic of a shotgun but you straight out mention a shot gun blast.  maybe i’m being picky, but there isn’t really a need to mention the shot gun at all.  the echo of the broken glass is all the symbolism most will ever need to understand what happened.

the opening line just seems thrown in and doesn’t add anything to the little story you’ve created.  it stands out like a sore thumb, it doesn’t belong