Thank you -very- much for the review and positive commentary.
It’s certainly one of my shorter pieces and a bit more experimental truth be told, so opinions (good or bad) concerning this particular piece are personally important.
Short Story / Sleepless Thought.
She awoke with a bated breath, a clumsy word trembled on her lips. The woman closed her eyes and simply rested there in that ample, companionless bed. The sound of her heart beating rapidly against her chest her only comfort there in the pitch-black darkness of the room. The space around her had simply grown far to cumbersome in the stills of the late hour. Her eyes scanned the now shadowy and foreign forms littering her room…her thoughts drifted.
“I must stop doing this.”
The words fell, no sprung to life from her lips in their bold attempt to soothe her. A sigh was given, then a tired hand reached over to the right. An empty spot once more, a fleeting despondence overtook her face. The pillow fluffed…the sheets, blankets unmoved. Sleepily her fingers reached for the memory of the man that should be there alongside her. His faint scent of herbs and mingled ash filled her senses. Her comfort was succinct. A few moments languidly passed by as she rested there.
“I must stop doing this.”
It was repeated, she played oblivious to the delivery. Her gaze fell to a sliver of visible glass, a window. A glimpse of the twilight sky revealed itself under her scrutiny. The blackened air was thick and dark like crushed velvet…shining brilliantly against it were the unbounded, copious amounts of stars, twinkling like diamonds. A secretive tenderness was expressed as she counted them. Her lethargic bliss was clandestine in this late hour.
“I must stop doing this.”
Spoken as her tiny bared feet crossed the room, near silent footsteps interrupting the quiet stillness. Her fingers skimmed along a desk, she felt around blindly for a moment as a candle was lit. The sudden illumination caused her to blink a few times, but quickly the kindle became friendly to her somber eyes and she took a seat. Reaching into a drawer, she grabbed a thin amber-colored piece of parchment and a velutinous quill. The stark white feather became hued with a sepia colored ink and she began to fill the page with her affected lettering. Her features were softened, yet meticulous as she wrote. Then abruptly she stopped and sighed with a sorrowful yearning. With a near resentment she held the letter up to the candle. The flame hungrily lapped at it until the words were marred and indecipherable. A wistful exhalation and the room was once more engulfed in black.
Walking back over to her bed and slipping into the covers, she glanced down at her left hand. On a slender finger rested a delicate ring, a diamond rested in the center. Drawing it up to her lips, then pressing them there against the cooled metal…her face resembled a pained look. She felt her heart swell in her chest and threaten to leap out of her body. Now crestfallen with eyes glossing over as her flaxen locks hit the pillow…she spoke into the ear of a concealed and antiquated lover in a disconsolate whisper,
“I must stop doing this.”
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TheWorstRobot reviewed Version 1 -
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It seems more like what she is not doing which is the problem.
I don’t know, it was decent and everything, and I think it was written real well, and everything, but when I finished reading it I just thought “so”. Not in a mean way, just in a way where there is nothing here that I could possibly relate to. It seems like it has a very specific auidence, and I really am not part of it.
My last remark isn’t of much import: I just think it’s odd that the main character would go to sleep with a diamond ring on, especially a “delicate” one.
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qwesto reviewed Version 1 -
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The descriptions are very vivid, but you go overboard a few times. Also, try and really look at your vocab choices. In many other instances, I’d let it go, but some of your word choices really stop the peice and draw focus on themselves. They start to hurt the flow. There are times when this sounds more like a thesaurus entry than a fictional narrative. (ie-”Her lethargic bliss was clandestine in this late hour”) Really, the story is good. Nice job!
Yoko_cw reviewed Version 1 -
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The repeatiing of that one sentance did well in this story, giving it a bit of a dramatic feel. I also liked the descriptions you gave in this, making it easier to see what is going on.
campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
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Your story has an interesting style and the repeated statement, “I must stop doing this,” works as a tool to connect the reader directly with the character.
Please consider the following suggestions:
1. Rewrite this story in first person to connect the reader more intensely with the mind of the character.
2. You use the word “there” in a way that detracts from your prose. Examples: “…only comfort there…” and “…as she rested there.” I would remove the word “there” when the sentence works without it.
3. The ellipse should be used in dialog when words are missing or in halting speech. Your narrative uses an ellipse as a pause. Use a comma, semicolon, or em dash instead.
4. Don’t use adverbs. “A few moments languidly passed…” will read better as: “A few languid moments passed…” Someone else would probably tell you to remove the adjective in my revision. They would not be entirely wrong. The conventional advice is, “If you need an adverb, you probably used the wrong verb. If you need an adjective, you used the wrong noun.” My feeling is that, when needed, an adjective always works better than an adverb.
5. Do not begin a sentence with the word “It.”
6. What was your intent with the adjective “velutinous?” Typo?
7. You could use a hyphen in “sepia-colored ink”
8. This phrase bothers me, “her face resembled a pained look.” I think you should rewrite it to something like, “her face twisted under the strain of sorrow that choked the connection between mind and soul.”
9. Does “concealed and antiquated” really mean “absentee and unrequited?”
Your subject matter is strong because it will connect with the direct experience of many readers. This is the type of story that can make a reader feel less lonely in his or her personal suffering. I hope you can use some of my recommendations in your future drafts. Happy writing!
jffarmer reviewed Version 1 -
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very well written, very short but I don’t think it needs more length. i enjoyed this piece. keep up the work.
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