Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Lost and Found

I  like “the dark shore” and some other visions because i LOVE THOSE Places AT THOSE TIMES OF DAY  but  you said  the  corps   and left the  quotes   going    on  so that  it is the cult known as “Corps Cynicism and Practicality Have Taken Over My Otlook It Is Both Often and Normal Being Lost in My Surroundings Emotionally and Intellectually  It Is the Quiet Moments of Solitude and Freedom in the Beauty of This Place  in Which I Find Myself Corps.”

You also don’t say  enough  ..  Keep  trying,    Waikki is  new  to     me  I   would like  to     hear     of   its  attractions by a person not a  travel writer                                                                                      

Your description of this contentment makes me long for it as well.  It sounds like you’ve found bliss even in your past defeats, I’m feeling it.

I like the part: “One can reflect on past, present, and future very well on the sands of Waikiki.” and the part: “One can look clearly upon the past and smile, a smile that reflects regret and content synonymously.” because the first part I like shows that a journal does not have to reflect on your past or dreams but it also can focus on the present situation.  The second part I most liked because I never realized the dualistic nature of looking back on the past, I always reflected on the bad.

“Emotionally and intellectually,” but the whole tenor seems too intellectual. Maybe start over and go with “I” instead of “one.” Try making it more personal, more from the heart than the head. I’m sure it comes from somewhere deep, but it doesn’t really sound like it.

“Corp” cult? The Marines? Why not elaborate?

Very descriptive. i can see the picture of Waikiki  in my head

just some suggestions for the 1st line: “very well” are empty modifiers, consider deleting. what is “it” that you enjoy most at night. be clear, don’t use weak references. also, why are you shifting from “one” to “I”? and about the beach being clear and the stars being bright, so what? connect it with other ideas and further develop the thought.

overall this could use a lot of polishing. some of the sentences are empty and vague and do not provide anything useful such as the clear beach and bright stars i mentioned earlier. instead of saying trivial, inane descriptions, make them significant by connecting to other ideas. dont just say oh the sky is clear, say i love this area because the sky is clear. thought the second isn’t really any more sophiticated, it doesn’t provide disjointed thoughts, but a connected whole. i hope that made sense. also, the ideas of reflecting on the past and present and finding yourself along with the other ideas aren’t connected or related. the piece lacks some coherence.

i think it’s a good start and it could become much better with some edits.

As to your goal, I always start everyone out at a 5 and move up or down from there, because its a 50/50 shot for anyone.  In your case, there is just not enough of this piece to attract an agent.  I left you at five.

Now, why is there not enough.

You tell why you feel this way or that way, but you do not show us the readers the beauty of the beach at night, the solitude you feel, or why you feel the corps is a cult like organization.  I assume you mean the US Marine Corps, but its not clear.  It could be the Peace Corps as well.  You are very vague there.

In writing, the first rule is to show the story instead of telling the story.  Give the reader a reason to connect.  Allow them to see what it is you see instead of being vague and just telling us.

To attract an agent, you writing and story has to be better than the other 100 querys they got this week.  This happens once you understand and follow the rules of writing.  And yes…there are rules.  Pick up some good books on how to writer poetry, or prose, or fiction and you will see what I mean.

Hope this helps.
Nick.

I liked this piece, but I cant see how it would attract an agent at this length. But I know nothing :). Maybe describe the beach and the surroundings and emotions, but thats just a thought it works as a neat little fresh piece.

I do not know about publishing it, but if you have more like this, keep it going.

I’ve lived near Waikiki and you describe it very well.  It is very nice at night.

You have some structure problems where sentences are concerned: “The beaches are clear, the stars are bright.”  This can fixed easily.   There are some fragments, but nothing out of the ordinary.  I see you were trying to keep the flow going.  You did well.  Nice rhythm.

Would like to see more.