Poetry / More often than not

Noah, I love how you kept conveyed imagery with such short and comma’d phrases:

“and to possible demise,... just leap.”
“breath caught short and eyes shut tight,...”

You may have an upper hand here due to the fact that I can relate to the emotion you have exctracted from these moments and put so beautifully onto this pallet. I think maybe that you could take this farther! Though, not in a revising sense but more like a chapter 2 or continuation. I love, love, love this! Excellent choice of diction in the line “allowing what penetrates to be dispersed.” to bring this peice home when you could have used much simpler words in place of “penetrates and “dispersed.” Truly awesome, mister!

-Justice   “I bleed through my pen.”

Interesting snippet: I think this is worth working on and expanding. The ending at this point seems a little lacking as ‘what pentrates to be dispersed.’ is IMHO too passive a voice for what comes before.

It needs a positive, but reflective finish – at least to me.

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April 09, 2007

by Noah

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You know you’re totally right ! But I think I like the passivity of it , kinda , to me , expresses with a certain “cool-ness” that I did want in there .

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