Thank you, I appreciate your opinion. This wasn’t something I planned or even worked on. I write it the day of my best friend’s fiance’s funeral, so it was very raw. It’s not a masterpiece but it is a very personal thing.
I’ll take your advice into consideration if I decide to work on it.
xx
Poetry / My Friend (Analysis)
I’d take all your pains my Friend, if I only could.
If I could bring him back to you I would,
If only life were that fair.
I know you miss him every day
An pray to see his face
But he is gone and he will not be coming home tonight.
I’d never seen your eyes light up, my Friend,
The way they did for him,
And if only I could call him back,
To see that fire within.
Today you are numb and empty, my Friend,
They’ve handed you your pills,
And while you should move on from him,
You’re shut off from all the world.
I wish I could recognise you, my Friend,
I’d love to see you smile.
If only life were that fair my friend,
You’d have had your day, with Him my Friend,
Walking down the aisle.
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CallmeJane reviewed Version 1 -
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Not all poetry has to rhyme, and this is a great example of that. You showed emotion, and got your point across beautifully without the constant need of rhythum. I’m sorry about your friend. Sometimes after a loss like hers, it’s difficult to find your way back. But having friends like you is what can help them through it.
Great read.
-Jane
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Woody reviewed Version 1 -
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Very touching poem, good content as well, however, I think it could use a little more passion, the passion of loss and love of a friend does not quite come through, it seems to read as words from stranger, a greeting card per say, rather than the words of a friend who is hurting of the loss of another friend. There should be a more aboding feeling of sharing that loss, anger, distress, and love. Great poem, just try to put more emotions into it, internalize it, feel the pain of your friend and write it again from the heart and soul.
adventurerone reviewed Version 1 -
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This almost sounds like it was a eulogy for the friend that you lost. I hope you consider writing more, there is real promise in what you have shown us here. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
throb25 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this very much. it is so very sad, but realistically intact. The only part that confussed me just a tat was the very last stanza. I like the ending but stumbled on ( wish I could recognise you, my Friend, ) to re-read and to try to see a way to finish this another way I was at a loss, so it is very hard to say. nit may have to be left as is. Or, maybe it is in the verbage. But at the same it flows. Tiss a hard call.
Keep up the good write. You have a very strong and imapcting style.
Dawn
vampyrchik reviewed Version 1 -
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Very touching poem, clearly you felt deeply while writing this.
To really make this a great poem though, you may need to be a little more consistant with the rhyming as well as the length of the verses.
Also, particularly in the last verse, try to cut back a little on the phrase “my friend”. If you are going for a repetition theme, once per verse is probably enough.
There are a couple of minor spelling mistakes you may want to look at as well, just to really polish it off.
Overall, a very moving piece – keep working at it.
mascheriad reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you did a great job at explaining how you felt for your friend.
love is always a great lost rather in death or the person walking away
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