Arigato.
Novel Treatments / A Gaijin Drunkard in Tokyo (Ch.1)
A Gaijin Drunkard in Tokyo
Copyright 2007.
Chapter One
I had two beers left in my three-foot high Japanese made refrigerator. My now ex-girlfriend Chiori had been here in the apartment all day yesterday with her mother to pick up the rest of her belongings. All I had left in my Tokyo 2DK shoebox apartment was a TV, a small Japanese table, a futon, my guitar and the two beers.
We’d been together for almost two years but to be totally honest we were doomed from the beginning. The clash of cultures and personalities was just way too much. There was an instant attraction between us, but as we all know, that alone does not a relationship make. I felt bad that I did not feel the least bit sad about the breakup. I would have thought there would have been some sense of loss however; there was nothing. I’d had my heart broken once when I lived in Canada by a girl who I was madly in love with and since that day I think I have been devoid of those sorts of feelings.
I was an English teacher in Japan and you’d be surprised by the opportunities presented to a young man working in that profession in Tokyo, and I don’t just mean professionally. I was twenty-four years old when I first started teaching in Tokyo after working as a sports instructor at a hotel in the North of Japan the previous year. I took this teaching job really having no god damn idea on what was involved and even less idea on how to do it. I did eventually become quite good at it though after much trial and error, however that was not where I spent the majority of my time.
In Tokyo you have a myriad of options and opportunities on any given night. There is always somewhere to go and something to do, especially if drinking is one of your hobbies. I generally worked from 1pm until 9pm five days a week, which suited my nightlife perfectly. In Tokyo there are any number of ethnic style restaurants, bars, pubs and clubs. As well as any kind of debaucherous establishment of ill repute a western mind could conjure up. Not to mention some that you’d never have thought of in your wildest fantasies.
I went into the fridge and got my second to last Kirin Ichiban beer out of the fridge. I shuffled along in my three sizes too small plastic slippers over to the television and flicked it on, praying there would be something interesting on to engage me from my current state of melancholy. I came to the realization that I had no soul. I don’t know why or if I even believed in souls or not but it was just something I thought about sometimes when I was alone.
I flicked the channels and was extremely happy to see that Sumo was on. I had become something of a sumo aficionado whilst living in Japan and knew that this would occupy my mind, at least for a while.
At the time, there was a rikishi (wrestler) from Fukuoka Prefecture by the name of Kaio who was and still is my favorite. Kaio was a great favorite of the Japanese fans as well who had really taken a shine to him in recent years.
At the time, Sumo’s popularity was in sharp decline as foreigners from Mongolia as well as ex-Soviet bloc countries were in the process of taking over the sport as the top fighters and subsequently soccer and mixed martial arts had begun to grow in popularity. For centuries Sumo had been exclusively a Japanese sport with foreigners being barred from competition until the modern era. The last Japanese Yokozuna (Grand Champion) Takanohana had recently retired and Kaio was really the last great Japanese fighter at the time. It had taken him years to get to the second highest rank of Ozeki and after flirting with promotion to the top level of Yokozuna on a couple of occasions, injuries and age had started to take their toll and he was constantly scratching and clawing to hang on to his number two rank, which I thought was very admirable, as did the people of Japan.
I drank my last beer watching Kaio win his bout convincingly via uwatanage (hip throw) over a young rikishi from Mongolia named Kyokutenho; I decided that a beer run was defiantly in order.
I headed out of the apartment down from the second floor walkup via the extremely creaky metal stairs into the street below. It was springtime in Tokyo and there was a hustle and bustle when I hit the street, as there always was in Tokyo. In a city of about thirteen million people it’s quite difficult to find a place where there isn’t any bustle.
I went into the AM/PM convenience store, which was only about twenty meters from my apartment and bought two tall cans of Kirin Lager. I cracked one open while still in the store and walked outside with the other in a plastic bag. I know in North America that it’s generally illegal to have open alcohol on the street outside of Marti Gras but in Japan it is still perfectly legal, such a civilized culture I thought.
I started to walk down the main street of my town Kodaira, which is a city within the metropolis that is Tokyo. Kodaira is at its core a working class town with mostly down to earth people who always treated me very well. I found them quite easy to get along with and thoroughly enjoyed living there. I had learned to speak Japanese fairly proficiently during my three years and counting in Japan and could quite easily navigate my way through the city now, as I’d come to make Tokyo my own. I was no longer wandering around like a lost tourist and knew how to get most places and even had several favorite hangouts. I felt like I actually lived here and was not merely staying here anymore, which was a weird feeling. I wonder how that happens? How and when does the new place you have come to that once felt so foreign finally start to feel like home?
I decided to head down the main street towards Hitotsubashi Gakuen Station to catch the train into the main part of the city. I figured a nice trek into the city would cheer me up some. I decided my first stop should be Kichijoji, which is kind of like the Haight-Ashbury district of Tokyo. It’s the place where the artists, hippies and left-winger types liked to hang out and as a left wing hippie myself, I always felt quite comfortable there.
In the centre of Kichijoji was a big man made park called Inokashira Park. It was once land owned by the Japanese royal family that was donated to the people of Japan by the emperor in 1913. Since I discovered the park I had spent many a relaxing day drinking and walking around the park checking out the exotic sights and sounds. It was a beautiful spring day and the cherry blossoms were in full bloom, which only lasted for a few days each year. I was abruptly single and had no one to keep a leash on me and I was glad. I suddenly felt a great calm come over me; maybe it was just the alcohol starting to take effect.
There were always interesting people about and usually I would stumble onto a fun scene and make new friends somewhere. The buskers, artists, crafts-people, freaks, manzai comedians (two person stand-up) and musicians were always scattered about the park and with a beautiful man made pond with paddle boats shaped like swans in the center of the park it was a very cool and quirky place for me to drink this exquisite day away.
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VeraR reviewed Version 2 -
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I think this story has a lot of potential. One thing I noticed is sometimes there should be commas and there aren’t any. For example:
“My now ex-girlfriend Chiori had been here in the apartment all day yesterday with her mother to pick up the rest of her belongings.”
should be:
“My now ex-girlfriend, Chiori, had been there in the apartment all day yesterday with her mother…”
Another thing I noticed was the use of the same word in the sentence. For example:
“It was springtime in Tokyo and there was a hustle and bustle when I hit the street, as there always was in Tokyo.”
should be:
It was springtime in Tokyo and there was a hustle and bustle when I hit the street, as there always was here…”
So far I think it’s a great story. I would love to see where this goes!
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transcriber reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay – I found the narrative voice a little bland. I didn’t feel sorry for this guy or empathise at all.
I found some of the construction clumsy and repetetive and sometimes both. As in: “I would have thought there would have been some sense of loss however; there was nothing.”
Publishers/agents won’t like double spaces following full stops.
Interesting topic though. More character, less repetition, tighten up. Could be good.
Idrequired reviewed Version 2 -
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Your writing is good and I enjoy almost any thing written about Japan, but it’s a bit boring. It reads more like a text the a novel treatment. I am sorry I don’t mean to offend you. You have beautiful descriptions but they could use more personality. Let your true self show through your words. I really like how you compare street names and places like Haight-Ashbury. You do give a lot of history which I like and adds credibility to your work.
Arcaina reviewed Version 2 -
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Sounds like the beginning of an anime. I like it. It has nice detail. Interesting plot..I give it a nine.
BrianA reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay this is interesting first off because of the environment and culture.
`At the time,’ you use this phrase to start two paragraphs in close succession. Vary it up. This highlights a difficulty I had with your chapter. In terms of time, you seem to hop about quite a bit. The first time you use above phrase – later in the sentence, your character says `who was and still is’, in the next sentence you end with `in recent years’ (which I don’t think is necessary btw).
You start by stating the contents of fridge, refer to yesterday, back to contents of apartment, then to history of girlfriend, return to present feelings, relate experience with Canadian girl two years ago, back to present `I was’, then when 24, then one year ago etc, back to present, then `I did eventually’. We get back to the beers in para 5. This hopping about continues. I know it is difficult because you have so much exposition to convey as well as current action, but it interrupts the flow of your story.
Attempt to stay with your character (his actions, immediate perceptions) and then when you need to explain give the reader a decent whack e.g. Sumo section good once you got into it. At the moment you seem to be always wandering off with a thought.
You say `hustle and bustle’ when hit the street, but then go on to explain normal state of affairs – so not exceptional – so say the usual h&b greeted him.
`during my three years and counting’ – moving here once again back to past, try `in’ instead of `during’ – `counting’ also confused me – after discussion of language, at first thought of `numerical’ acquistition.
`Marti’ – mardi
I won’t go on picking. You write well, but I don’t know where this is heading, and the moment seems a bit aimless. For a first chapter I would start with an indicident/actions that draw reader in, which require little exposition, and then after as you go fill in the picture re culture etc. You seem to have the knowledge and experience for a great story with insight. Hope I helped a little. Good luck with it.
ShareBear reviewed Version 2 -
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Love the scenery. You tell a story well. Thank you for sharing.
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