Seen the Fawlty Towers episode that references Wittgenstein? Erm, and as far as philosophy goes, Meditations is part of the canon, not esoteric. Anyway, yes this is self-satisified, as I did it for my own amusement. I’m not bothered if only a few others get it.
Stage Play / A comedy of certainties
Characters: RENÉ DESCARTES
VOICE
MALIGN GENIUS
UNICORN
TWO SERAPHIM.
Props: A French 17thC style wooden desk.
A chair of the same style.
A large bale of herb resembling marijuana.
A brandy bottle shaped container that bounces when dropped.
Two clouds on which people can sit, to be lowered from above stage.
A rolled cigarette resembling a joint.
............................................................................
(RENÉ DESCARTES walks on stage in appropriate 17thC dress, followed by a spotlight. he is smoking what is obviously a joint from its size and shape. he sits down at a wooden desk and starts to think aloud)
DESCARTES: Before I wrapped this marijuana in paper and applied a flame to it, it was solid, not overly pungent, cold, and emitted no light… but behold! Now that I smoke the marijuana it emits smoke, smells sweet, is hot, and glows with a red light. The senses cannot be trusted, similar to that cunt Dubois who forced me to pawn my chronometer after that round of blackjack. I can say with logical certainty that he has a concealed mirror; all I need is to screw a protractor to his forehead at a parallel angle to his eyes… yes, then I’ll take exact measurements of all possible degrees from my hand to the chest of drawers and back to the protractor! (He bangs his hand on the desk.) Damn you, Dubois! You’ll go down in history as the vagabond who stole from the only man certain of his own existence. Oh, and God’s. I’ll strip him down to his foundations, that’s for sure.
(the stage lighting changes to a burning red/orange colour; smoke floats on at the same time. strange atonal music plays)
What’s this? Some trick of the senses?
(he arches his hands together on the desk)
May Thy holy angels dwell herein to preserve us in peace and may Thy blessing be always upon us through Christ our Lord. Visit, we beseech Thee, O Lord, this habitation and drive away from it all the snares of the enemy. Amen.
(the music becomes louder; dark, unidentifiable shapes flit across the stage)
(DESCARTES, shouting) Cogito ergo sum! Sum! Sum! Sum!
(off stage) VOICE: Eras?
DESCARTES: (trembling) Who are you? (the VOICE does not answer) The whole world has changed, like a piece of wax next to a flame! Have you come to judge me? Forgive me for suggesting that you possibly might not exist! But I proved that you do! And I never liked Galileo really, you know that!
VOICE: Do unicorns exist?
DESCARTES: Well, I can imagine one… and as I’m not a unicorn myself, that idea must have come from an external source. I’m not a unicorn, therefore unicorns must exist, if perhaps on a transcendent plane.
VOICE: What a load of cobblers.
DESCARTES: Well, that’s rather rude.
VOICE: I think you’ve got some work to do on the Meditations. Try burning them; you might avoid the French Revolution.
DESCARTES: The what?
(The stage fades to black. When the lights come back up, DESCARTES is still sat at the desk. The light is daylight. DESCARTES is slumped asleep, snoring, with the roach of the joint in his teeth. His cravat is dishevelled, he has rings under his eyes and his hair is a mess. He wakes up with a snort.)
DESCARTES: Oh, God…(he spits the roach on the floor) what time is it? (he fumbles in his jacket pockets and can’t find his watch) Fucker, Dubois! Cunt! Scoundrel! Where’s that meter rule? Protractor? (he looks in the desk drawers and stops as he remembers something) Oh! The strangest dream! I dreamt that I was sat in this very chair, at this desk, in this room, when in fact I was… well, all of those parts were true. Bah! The French Revolution! I never heard such nonsensical fancy. The imagination produces such queer notions.
(there’s a knock at the door)
One moment! Attendez, s’il-vous-plait!
(he ruffles his hair, looks at his cravat and straightens it)
Oui, entrez!
(a man in a silver spandex suit, purple-tinted sunglasses and a green conical hat comes on stage. he is the MALIGN GENIUS)
M.GENIUS: I create everything around you.
DESCARTES: What? Oh, these craftsmen are such imbeciles. (shouting, slowly) I… don’t… want… anything… done… on… the… woodwork! Now, if you’ll leave me in peace, I have to work on this mathematical coordinate system that will revolutionise algebra forever. Good day.
M.GENIUS. I- (DESCARTES interrupts)
DESCARTES: My gutters are in perfect condition!
M.GENIUS: Your gutters are a figment of my imagination.
DESCARTES: My gutters are pieces of pine, and that is none of your business.
GENIUS: I am business.
DESCARTES: Are you English or something? Look, fuck off!
GENIUS: I can turn the world upside down in an instant.
(the desk, along with DESCARTES, slowly lifts off the stage and rotates 180 degrees. both DESCARTES and the desk are left hanging upside down)
DESCARTES: This is preposterous! How dare you enter my house while I sleep and install a concealed desk levitation device! Oh, the Bastille’s too good for you, Anglais scum!
GENIUS: You don’t remember me, do you? And I quote, synoptically, as you tend to go on a bit, ‘but that some malignant genius exceedingly powerful and cunning,’ well, that bit’s quite good, ‘has devoted all his powers in deceiving me; I shall consider myself as having no senses, but as falsely opining myself to posess these things.’ Behold your creation! Yet, I created you first.
DESCARTES: An all powerful, all benevolent God would not allow you to deceive me. And I still know that two plus three equals five.
GENIUS: Firstly, God thinks it better that people like you don’t exist in the real world. Second, if I were you I wouldn’t give two sticks whether two plus three equals five, because you still don’t exist.
DESCARTES: But you are deceiving me! Therefore I exist!
GENIUS: Yeah, but you didn’t a minute ago. The only way to overcome doubt is to repeat ‘Cogito ergo sum’ so many times that you drive yourself completely mad and don’t care anymore.
DESCARTES: Oh, the burden of the rational man!
GENIUS: It’s not that bad, is it? You should see the poor sod I put in a universe where he has to eat his own liver everyday to survive. Not to mention Plato! I made his life so boring that he had to invent a different one. He never did sleep with boys, you know, he was just a pervert.
DESCARTES: (childishly) Yes, but it’s not certainly not that bad.
GENIUS: (mocking imitation of DESCARTES) It’s not certain! I’m not certain that I’m a moron! God wouldn’t let me be! (he returns to his normal tone of voice) Watch out, your wig will fall off in two seconds.
(DESCARTES’ wig falls off)
There’s nothing you could have done anyway.
DESCARTES: Perhaps you’re right. Gosh, this opens up new possibilities, though; am I allowed to ask a favour of you?
GENIUS: Well, I have been being exceedingly malign recently. What would you ask?
DESCARTES: Oh, please make me really really famous! I know… yes, let them call me ‘the founder of modern philosophy’! I like the sound of that.
GENIUS: Easily done.
DESCARTES: What else? Ah! Let that son of a stinking harlot Dubois roast in the juice of his painfully castrated testicles.
GENIUS: Dubois isn’t real, I just invented him to annoy you.
DESCARTES: Oh, nevermind then. Let me always win at cards?
GENIUS: Fine.
DESCARTES: And give me a huge bale of weed.
(A block of green herb falls from above stage.)
DESCARTES: And some brandy. Good stuff, none of that dishwater they drink in the salons.
(A bottle of brandy falls from above stage, but bounces instead of shattering.)
DESCARTES: Oh, that was clever.
GENIUS: I’m a genius, you know.
DESCARTES: Certainly!
GENIUS: Oh, give it a rest. I must be going. I have thousands of other non-existent beings to frustrate, and if you try to disprove me again, there’ll be trouble. Enjoy. (GENIUS exits.)
DESCARTES: The founder of modern philosophy!
(DESCARTES disentangles himself from the desk, which remains floating, and jumps down onto the stage. He starts to swagger and prance the stage, gesturing flamboyantly and repeating ‘the founder of modern phiosophy’ in a variety of voices. He realises that his wig is on the floor and puts it on at a jaunty angle, continuing to repeat the phrase. He picks up the brandy bottle and swigs from it. A UNICORN comes on stage and starts to dance. Two clouds descend on either side of the floating desk, each with a harp-playing SERAPH sitting on top. Their music is trite and over simple, like the opening to a low-budget children’s television programme. The curtain falls as DESCARTES puts an arm around the UNICORN’s neck and swigs the brandy imbetween saying ‘the founder of modern philosophy’).
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
icedsapphire reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 295 word review has not been unlocked.
Harold_P reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
As someone who flunked philosophy but who still retains a passing interest in the thoughts of the great French thinkers, this piece was informative and amusing. Perfect fodder for philosophy students to have fun with on stage, if that is your intention.
The fact this play touched upon some of the hardest mathematical concepts from Descartes such as Cartesian product (I believe it’s called), makes it a piece that is liable to serve a helpful teaching function as well as being fun to read. You are likely to graduate, become a teacher and help other learn these concepts through brilliant media such as this one. Well… maybe
Your take on dualism(?) is also very clever, it is like having one man wrestle with himself almost literally and the fight between the mental and physical entity of Descartes is cleverly sketched.
How about a take on Jean-Paul Sartre next?
Harold_P
- add/view comments (0)
Azulao reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 87 word review has not been unlocked.
Trenchtownrock reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 82 word review has not been unlocked.
Claire_D reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The notion of writing a play based upon an esoteric text by René Descartes was never going to reel in the readers by the bucket load. Unfortunately, an understanding of your entire work as alluded me since I have not read his “Meditations” and consequently have failed to understand the jokes, all those incredibly witty references and the unmistakable genius at play in this work.
Your play is pretentious student twaddle. Someone needs to grab that book from out your hands, wallop it against your head four-hundred times and send you out into the real world, away from the self-satisfied realm of grinning studentland.
On the other hand, I liked the wig falling off.
Très drôle.
Claire_D
pariah reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
hahaha
i love the line about the French revolution
one thing i was unsure of it how to rotate the stage 180 degrees.
or convey to the audience that they have rotated 180 degress
one thing you need to do is go back through the play and write in entrances
you say the man comes on stage
but never from where
where does genius come on stage from? SR, SL, C?
i like that bottle of brandy falling and not shattering and then the following line.
this play though isnt my cup of tea being a director myself.
i love random humor (im a huge python fan) but there is a line between random funny and random silly
sometimes you come close to crossing it
but that may just be me
i think this would be a difficult play to perform
not only would you need good actors but you would need a knowledgeble audience and a high budget theater
but otherwise
i laughed a few places so well done
regards
-kyle-
cowboylvr reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is an interesting piece. I know how hard it is to write in an entertaining and sensical way so I applaud your taking the proverbial bull by the horns.
Your imagery and use of setting lend a quality to this work that makes me want to see it polished and performed.
Best of luck to you and keep writing.
jvenhaus2 reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
You have a nice command of language, and the premise of the play (along with the dialouge) are very funny! The play appears to be written for a reader, and not for the stage. in other words, do you want a theatre to actaully prodcue the play in a theatre for an audience, or just to be read? If a production in the intent, then stage directions such as, “(the desk, along with DESCARTES, slowly lifts off the stage and rotates 180 degrees. both DESCARTES and the desk are left hanging upside down)” would make the play difficult if not impossible to produce. Whenever I have a difficult technical element in a play (I wrote a play for young audiences that requires a cow on stage), I always include a note at the beginning of the script with suggestions on how to execute the tech element. Nice work!
ultraviolence reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Hahaha, excellent. I have to admit I’m a little slanted towards loving this because I can’t stand Descartes. But it’s very, very clever, and funny. I may now go around quoting “The senses cannot be trusted, similar to that cunt Dubois who forced me to pawn my chronometer after that round of blackjack.”
mannequingirl reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Why stop at Descartes? This sounds like the end of Act I, Scene I… Seriously…I happen to be thoroughly familiar with Mr. D. and appreciated every reference. However, my experience has been that I am in a very small class of people and that most people would not get the jokes. I loved the jokes, but I also feel there’s potential here for a full length, or at least a one act stage play, perhaps focusing on the mind body problem, Descartes’ alleged dualism and the poor history of his position being misunderstood. There’s tons of relevant modern issues that fall right into this topic, so lots of fruit quite ripe for the picking. If you’re not up for that right now, keeping my comments to just this piece, I think that it sort of fizzles out by the end. I could see it as part of a series of pieces at certain graduates school soirees, but even in that context, I’d push you to go for more at the end. Your jokes are about his philosophy, and in portraying him as a weed-smoking card shark, you poke fun at him, but why not up it and poke fun at his certainty or have him have an attack of doubt. In other words, right now the Evil Genius gives him what he wants and he gets to be Papa of Modern Phil. It’s always better in stage/novel/screenplay writing to not give the character what they want or to at least put obstacles in their way. So, perhaps the E.G. could give him his titular fame, but the Dubois thing…that’s sort of funny that E.G. created him just to fuck with D. You could certainly at least have a moment of doubt about this…how can D be certain the E.G. isn’t lying? which really fucks you up once you start going down that rabbit hole. Or…although D has reached all his conclusions via principles of clarity and distinctness, perhaps this moment with E.G. (or even before just for a joke) could see D. asking, ”Hey, just between you an me, am I right?” Then you’ve got a whole thing possible between perfect reasoning with true premises yielding a correct conclusion, i.e., it is the case that the mind can be conceived without an idea of the body entering into that conception, but, what the fuck???? Is it true? So he could be pushing E.G. cuz, as it turns out, old D boy is like, “you never really know about these things.” O.K. I’ll stop. Guess it’s the best (or worst) of all possible worlds that of all the queues you’d get into, you got into the queue of a Descartes freak! Is there no justice! I’d be happy to look at further drafts via email. Cogito Rox, man!
Showing 1 - 10 of 26
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
25 Reviews 15 Comments
Version 4
Latest Activity: 9 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 138 Times
Skipped: 3 Times
Ratings & Rankings
