Thank you very much for your kind words =)
Poetry / Born into the Grave
From dust and ashes
My flesh was grown,
Together, my bones
And sinew were sewn.
My spirit carefully
Woven and spun
Then, with a single
Beat, life’s pulse begun.
With a single breath
I was made real;
The warmth of the sun
And wind’s chill to feel,
The lives of others
To intertwine, to
Meet, connect and collide
With mine.
Yet, from my inception
And life’s first cry,
I was destined to,
And begun to, die.
Pulse and breath,
Both will end,
Sinew from bone
Time will rend.
Neither dust nor ashes
Can I save;
My entire being
Born into the grave.
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IdeeFixe09 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. It’s got a creepy feeling to it, but then it’s hopeful at the same time. I could definitely see why this would win you something at your school.
The only thing that bothered me about this poem was when you used the word ‘begun’ when it should have been ‘began’. I know you probably did that for rhyming purposes, but began would have flowed nicely as well.
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zionicyouth87 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the flow and rhythm of this poem. Good use of imagery. The stanzas work well with one another, and though the subject matter is not fresh or original, you deliver it with great technical competence.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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This has lovely rhythm and rhyme and I don’t mind the short lines, read Kaye Ryan, she’s a master of them. But the meaning of Born into the Grave somehow alludes me at the beginning as we are not formed from dust and ashes but are conceived in a womb, so I’m not sure what the metaphor or symbolism is. The phoenix rises from his ashes to be born again and if that is the symbolism I think is should somehow be referenced in the poem. For though it is written well what does it actually mean, that part? The rest is wonderful. We are all dying moment by moment, we just don’t know when that final moment will be.
sadpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed the overall poetry of this piece, it’s no wonder you won! It captures the essence of what we are, how we begin and with the single beat I am in awe to imagine something I never thought about before.
Then you go into the things that affect us as not only we grow, but as we develop. Brilliant work!
You should submit for publication without a doubt! It is ready.
Thank you so much for this very special and beautiful piece, it is by far the best I’ve seen here!
Elf reviewed Version 1 -
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So true in meaning.
The piece could be made so much stronger if the right ryming words could be placed here.
“The lives of others
To intertwine, to
Meet, connect and collide
With mine.”
But I really like it, and the begining and ender are strong.
herpen reviewed Version 1 -
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I Really like this! Both visceral and tender language used to effect; great imagery through either end of the spectrum. Only criticism would be the structure between lines 13 – 20. Like what you’re trying to create, but it breaks up the flowing ‘dreamlike’ rhythm. Your critism of the rhyming pairs was slightly self-depreciating; so many people try to achieve this style to the detriment of the content. As mentioned, I felt it worked. Keep going!
March 09, 2007
Deleted User
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I really like this, I have tried writing poetry for years but never could write one this good. I think that the words flowed very well, though the format of the actual poem I think could be a bit better. Also this line “I was destined to, And begun to, die.” I dont particularly care for. It just dosent flow as well as the rest of the poem. Then again I’m far from being an expert on poetry, so I’m probably not the best person to listen to. Still, I really liked it and think you should definately keep at it.
swngrofbirches reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked your poem. Particularly the cyclical approach to life. I feel like it would be to your benefit to include more literary tools such as metaphors, similes, and imagery. One of my favorite literary devices are paradoxes. Your last line is a great paradox, “Born into the grave.” I think it is the best one in your entire poem.
Don’t worry about the short lines, this is your creation and if you want one word per line that is your prerogative.
Keep up the writing!
Squigglesy reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it would be more interesting either to give a realistic description of conception, gestation and birth or to invent your own metaphor rather than using the ‘dust and ashes’. It’s overused, when a reader reads ‘dust and ashes’ it’s not even a metaphor because it’s so obvious, your eyes just skim over it.
Also, I don’t find alot of emotion or insight in this poem; it’s a fact that we’re all going to die, but all you do is state that fact and little else. How do you feel about death? Is it important to you or not? Maybe you could reverse the whole poem and say that death is the beginning of life, that might be fun.
out_of_words reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m impressed with how well this flows since you say that it isn’t you usual style. The flow of it drew me in from the first few lines and kept me there until the end. In general I feel the concept of death begining simultaneously with life is a bit cliche, but you did a good job of putting it in a way that seemed new and made me think twice.
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