excellent critique! Thank you for taking the time to give me detailed feedback. I deeply appreciate your attention to this.
Children's / T-Rex
Rex was a bully.
He was big, mean, and nasty.
He was bossy, rude, and selfish.
Everyone at school was afraid of Rex.
And that’s just the way he liked it.
Once, his teacher Mrs. Brawnto said, “Rex, you’re so mean that you’d wrestle a dinosaur.”
She was trying to make him feel bad about being so rotten.
It didn’t work.
From then on, everyone called him “T-Rex.”
And that’s just the way he liked it.
One night, after a day of being extra mean, rude and bossy, Rex went to bed and dreamed that he actually wrestled that dinosaur.
A real Tyrannosaurus Rex.
And wouldn’t you know it…..
T-Rex pinned the dinosaur.
The next morning, T-Rex woke up just like he always did.
But something seemed funny.
When he sat up out of bed, he bonked his head on the ceiling.
He tried to yell, “Ow!”
It came out… “OOOAAAWWWRRRR!”
He jumped, scared by own voice.
And his head crashed through the ceiling, where he saw his sister Reba eating breakfast.
She fainted.
T-Rex wiggled free and crashed to the floor.
He ran over to the mirror, and let out another roar.
He was a real T-Rex!
He couldn’t believe what he saw.
This…was…AWESOME!
His mom ran to his room when she heard the giant crash.
She ran away screaming in fear.
His dad came running when mom went by…
“Don’t eat me!” he cried and jumped out the window!
T-Rex knew he’d have to go to school, even if his parents were nowhere to be seen.
He crashed through his house, going into the bathroom.
He had to brush his teeth, because his breath smelled like the city dump!
He couldn’t reach his toothbrush with his tiny arms.
And his claws squished right through the tube of toothpaste.
So T-Rex just tossed the whole tube into his mouth…
And burst out the door to go to wait at the bus stop.
All the children ran when they saw him.
He tried to yell, “Wait! It’s just me, Rex!”
But all they heard was, “WAAAAAIJUMERRECKKK!”
The bus was coming. He waved at the bus driver with his tiny dinosaur arms.
The bus didn’t even slow down.
He tried to yell, “Stop!”
But all that came out was, “CHAAAWWWGGGPPP!”
With no parents, no bus, and no friends, Rex decided he’d have to walk to school.
He stopped at the pond because he was very thirsty. All that roaring made his throat scratchy.
He’d rather have a juice box, but he didn’t think that would do the job.
So he bent over to take a sip of water.
And drank the pond dry.
Fish were flipping and flopping.
“I might as well,” he thought to himself…
…and ate every last one!
He heard the city bell ring.
“Uh oh! I’m late” he said (although it didn’t sound like that at all).
He started running.
BOOM BOOM!
His giant feet left huge potholes in the street.
His long thick tale swung back and forth, back and forth…
Knocking over cars and smashing fences, mailboxes, and trees.
“Oops Excuse me” he tried to say.
But all the terrified people heard was….
“Rooorrr! RORROR! SCHUUXEE”
When he finally got to school, everyone had already gone inside.
They were all talking about the story of the dinosaur loose in the city!
T-Rex was beginning to think that being a dinosaur wasn’t as awesome as he first thought.
He quickly saw he’d never fit through the school’s front door.
So he walked around the building until he found the window to his class.
He bent down and pushed his big, green, scaly nose against the window.
His nostrils steamed it up and then crashed it in!
The whole class screamed!
But not Mrs. Brawnto.
She walked right up to that broken window and looked T-Rex in the nostril. She put both hands on her hips, tilted her head and said, “We do not allow such rude behavior in our classroom, do you understand me?”
T-Rex felt bad about breaking the window. “Yes Mrs. Brawnto,” he said.
It came out “EEHHHMEHBAWWW!”
The class screamed again.
But not Mrs. Brawnto.
She stepped back, looked closely at the dinosaur and asked, “Rex, is that you?”
T-Rex was lonely, now that everyone was scared of him. “Yes Mrs. Brawnto,” he tried to say.
Again, they all heard…“EEHHHMEHBAWWW!”
All the students had scampered into a corner by now.
But not Mrs. Brawnto.
She took a step forward and patted T-Rex on his giant nose. She used the ruler in her hand as a toothpick to wedge out a fish head stuck between his sharp teeth.
“Rex,” she said, “You see what’s happened by being so mean? Now everyone’s afraid of you!”
“EEHHHMEHBAWWW!”
“This isn’t very fun, is it?” she asked.
Afraid of scaring his class again, T-Rex didn’t say anything. He just shook his head “no.”
And smashed a huge hole in the wall where the window used to be.
Mrs. Brawnto held her ground. “Rex, I want you to go home and think about what you’ve done. We have a big mess to clean up here.”
“EEHHHMEHBAWWW!” He roared.
He turned around sadly, knocking over the slide with his tail and getting it tangled up in the swings. All the way home he moped, dragging the swings behind and leaving craters in the sidewalk.
His mom and dad were still not home. His sister was still asleep in the kitchen, with cereal stuck to her cheek.
T-Rex decided to lay back in bed until his folks got home. He’d sure have some explaining to do. He closed his eyes and fell onto his bed.
His bed crashed into splinters and springs beneath him.
“That’s just great!” he said.
What?
“That’s just great!” He said it again!
He opened his eyes.
His bed wasn’t smashed after all.
Neither was his room!
He ran to the mirror.
There he was! He wasn’t a dinosaur!
It was all a dream!
From the hallway, his mom yelled, “It’s time to get up, T-Rex! Don’t you roar at me!”
“Yes, ma’am!” he answered.
She opened the door.
“Excuse me?” She was in shock.
“Yes, ma’am” he repeated.
“Wow! What happened to you?”
He smiled. “Let’s just say that being the T-Rex isn’t all its cracked up to be. From now on, you can just call me ‘Rex.’”
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Rol reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this. Your writing is visual and exciting.. .artwork will just enhance the story. You made the problems of being a dinosaur real and not desirable without being overy dramatic and hammering the point home. The language you used is real. A believable story that is fun to read. Very nice job! Now, about the sequel. . .
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out_of_words reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall I think this is very well written for your audience. I am an assitant homeschool teacher and work with children 6-16. This story is the type of thing I would read with the little ones, and believe that not only would it entertain them, but they love dinosaurs and I think could relate well. While reading it I kept getting really cute illustrations in my head.
One constructive thing though is that I feel the story jumps a little between
““Don’t eat me!” he cried and jumped out the window!”
and
“T-Rex knew he’d have to go to school, even if his parents were nowhere to be seen.”
I think maybe just a line or two restating that his parents were gone would to the trick.
treasuringlife reviewed Version 1 -
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Very sweet! If this were published it would be on my list of books to read to my boys!
It was refreshing and had an original way to get the message across. The story flowed well, making it a delight to read, the words were not to difficult for youngsters to read along, and as far as I saw it did not have any grammatical errors.
The only thing that I would like to suggest changing or rewording is this part:
His mom ran to his room when she heard the giant crash.
“She ran away screaming in fear.”
When talking about his mother and father coming into the room you may want to suggest talking about them going into Rex’s room but all they found was a large dinasour, or something to that sort to further explain why she went running away in fear.
Its not that we the readers don’t understand it, but it would be nice to have it there for us to read!
Good luck in reaching your goal, I think you have a great story here!
hockeyslife reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought that overall it was well-done. Could use some editing in some places. I understand that it’s for children, but some of it is just way too narrative, like towards the end, where everything is described as being a dream. I think that line “it was all a dream” could be use more description & adjectives. But overall, for a first draft, I thought it was great! Really amusing, too. Nice work!
March 13, 2007
Deleted User
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I like this concept. If I could make a few suggestions and ask a few questions…
First… what age children are you aiming this story toward? If they are young enough to be read to, then they are young enough to be really scared by parents disappearing at the threat of being eaten by a dinasour, as well as all the distruction that he creates. They might also fear going to sleep thinking that something similar might happen to them (before they get to the end and learn it is all a dream).
I would also suggest… if this is a book that’s being read aloud to small children by a parent or older child, that you make the dinasour sounds a little easier to pronounce. I don’t think I would know where to start in pronouncing either of those if I were reading it out loud.
On the other hand… if this story is aimed at an older child who is an early reader, you might want to still consider making the sounds easier to pronounce, but you could pretty much discard the comments about any possible fears.
I could see this story being a children’s book. Keep tightening it up until you feel that it’s perfect, and it will be.
gariverse reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought the idea was good and the language is suitable for children. More importantly it’s accessable to children emotionally and intellectually. i would imagine a child would find this entertaining, easy to read and also get the message well. ( Don’t be horrid!)
It seems an ideal story for a picture book with bold illustrations and the words grouped around them in three or four sentence chunks; Just a thought.
You point out this is just a draft so it’s difficult to judge what you are happy with and what you are not. It might benefit from some attention to the overall rythm, but that might just be my personal preference, one that i don’t feel strongly about as it is quite nice as it is.
The following may be splitting hairs, i’ll let you be the judge;
“He crashed through his house, going into the bathroom.” instead of “going”, how about; “And went to/ until he reached the/ and smashed into the,” ( Smashed workds rythmically with crashed and the two words have a nice rythmic punctuation effect).
“And his head crashed through the ceiling, where he saw his sister Reba eating breakfast.”; Would his sister be having breakfast upstairs? ( a little distracting?).
His dad came running ‘when mom went by’ ( this is ambiguous; mom was going where? why does it matter that his dad came as she went? Did his dad come running because she went by? Went by where?)
“Oops Excuse me” he tried to say. ( He tried to say excuse me. Put him trying to say first so we don’t imagine him saying it only to find out he hasn’t. That way around we feel him trying, then failing, which i think works better).
T-Rex was beginning to think that being a dinosaur wasn’t as awesome as he first thought.( Repeat of ‘think’ and ‘thought’; What about ‘think’ and ‘imagined’?)
She took a step forward and(replaced ‘and’ with a comma) patted T-Rex on his giant nose.( replace period with ‘and’and get rid of the ‘she’; This gives a simpler more flowing read without unnecessarily breaking it up. Providing the sentence is not too complex for children, or it doesn’t work with the rythm of the piece, it’s generally better to avoid this.)
She used the ruler in her hand as a toothpick to wedge out a fish head
Afraid of scaring his class again, T-Rex didn’t say anything. He just shook his head (instead of saying/ because he couldn’t say/ which meant)“no.”
And smashed a huge hole in the wall where the window used to be.( a window is already pretty much, a hole. Maybe he should just smash the rest of the windows out?)
He turned around sadly, knocking over the slide with his tail and getting it tangled up in the swings.( He turned around sadly, knocked over the slide with his tail, and dragged it behind him, as he moped, all the way home. Leaving craters in the ground with every step.)
Sorry if it seems i’ve pulled this to bits! These are the sort of things i have tried to improve in my own writing and i believe it’s paid dividends. These errors ( if that is what that are!) Are minor and more impotantly, things you can learn a lot easier than the knack of being able to create interesting and worthwhile stories that kids want to read, which i believe this is; Very good!
( The goal rating i have giving is not that high; it would be higher if it were more polished and that is only my opinion of course!)
billyoung007 reviewed Version 1 -
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What a wonderful story! I wasn’t sure where you were going with it at first, but you held my interest and then gave me the nice surprise at the end.
I might suggest a less-abrupt transition into Rex being back in his bed and being just a little boy, but what a wonderful idea for a story! I’d read it to my daughter.
Burning_Lashes reviewed Version 1 -
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OK as this is longish I have tried to make notes as I go along as various things jump out at me. Please forgive the quotes I’ve used them as little as is necessary to explain myself. I know this is a draft but I hope these points will be relevant for you.
“One night, after a day of being extra mean, rude and bossy, Rex went to bed and dreamed that he actually wrestled that dinosaur”
I feel this sentence is too long, its out of keeping with the rest of the piece and draws the attention of the reader too long. I would slice into to separate sentences.
“he bonked his”
The use of “bonked” here seems somewhat out o place, I would rather see banged. It gives a more dramatic emphasis to the moment and more in keeping with the character of Rex. Bang is more solid, harder, bonked seems too silly.
“She walked right up to that broken window and looked T-Rex in the nostril. She put both hands on her hips, tilted her head and said, “We do not allow such rude behavior in our classroom, do you understand me?”
Again this is too long, it may be just the layout that you have chosen but I would like to see it more broken up. I think it would make it hard for a child to concentrate on the words.
Over all I like the idea of this story, I has a very clear moral message to it and by using a dinosaur you have spark the interest of most children of a certain age. However, I am not a fan of the, he woke up and it was all a dream ending it does serve a very good purpose. Plus I imagine where it not a dream it would be a little too scary for small children. Overall I think you’ve got something good here. You haven’t over complicated the language nor is the moral lost in over telling of the story.
She walked right up to that broken window and looked T-Rex in the nostril. She put both hands on her hips, tilted her head and said, “We do not allow such rude behavior in our classroom, do you understand me?”
melseid reviewed Version 1 -
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i really adore the concept here. fantastic, with ultimately an excellent message.
i do wonder what your target age group would be. when i think of a children’s book, i consider my own child, who is only 3. there would be no way i would introduce something like this to her now. though the end pulls out a fabulous turn for Rex, what she would remember would be the “mean bossy rude”, the fighting, and the fear of a dinosaur tearing through town. i think the same concept written a different way could work for younger ages, or perhaps call it more a short story for young readers.
i think it’s a little disjointed- Rex being such a rude and selfish boy, then having him (despite in a dream) run off to school, or say “excuse me” when he smashed fences and mailboxes. i liked very much how the teacher saw him for what he was. that very cleverly instills a confidence. very nice draft. thanks!
March 12, 2007
Deleted User
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I liked the story and I think kids need to have stories with a moral. It’s a great concept, but what age group are you trying to target with this story?
If it’s a very young group then you need to be completely on their level. I do not mean that you have to talk down to anyone at any age. Because let’s face it children are smart. Smart enough to catch the little things such as…
“And his head crashed through the ceiling, where he saw his sister Reba eating breakfast.
She fainted.
T-Rex wiggled free and crashed to the floor.”
If Rex crashed through the ceiling and then wiggled free, I don’t think he would have crashed to the floor.
Overall, I liked it, but I think your best critic is going to be a child.
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