Novel Treatments / The Gray Riders: Chapter 1
The town of Serenity lay nestled in the valley before us; the lonesome clang of the Blacksmiths hammers the only sound piercing the mid morning air. It had had been a long and dusty trail here after Billy and I got word back in Abilene that our former commanding officer was in trouble. Now, it was never said that a MacKay had ever turned his back on a friend in need, so we went for our horses and lit a shuck back to Missouri.
It had been nigh onto seven years since my brother and I had been home; our farm was just on the other side of the valley. Serenity only had one street, which was shaped like an ‘L’, with most of the buildings on the East side of the street. Rosie’s Tavern slash rooming house was situated on the outside corner, and the Old Man Adams’s Livery Stable acted as the inside hinge.
“Well, little brother, I guess you could say we’re home.”
“She sure hadn’t changed much.” Billy grinned.
We skirted around the town and came in from the East, walking our horses past the Livery and stopping in front of Rosie’s. I figured if anyone knew what was really going on in town, it would be her. Rosie had a way making a body feel right at home, and pretty soon they would be telling their life story to her. Of course, it didn’t hurt that she was one of the prettiest women in town either.
“Logan, I don’t like it.” Billy said as we dismounted. “It’s too quiet.”
I nodded while tying Buck to the hitch rail; it was too quiet for any town in the middle of the day. Spring was about half gone, and there should have been youngsters running about causing all sorts trouble. There should be farmer’s wagons in front of Mr. Townsend’s store buying all sorts of tools. It seemed to me that we had ridden into a ghost town.
“Do you think we should have bypassed Serenity like Cap said?”
I looked at him and smiled. “Now, since when had we ever avoided a fight, little brother.”
“That’s true.” He laughed. “You’d think that they would have had a Welcome Party a-waitin’ for us.”
“Maybe they had it when they heard we left.”
“Possible. I’ll be there in a minute; I’m going over to see Mr. Eggers about that busted spur.”
I nodded and slid my Henry from the saddle scabbard. Standing in the breezeway just taking in the smell of Rosie’s cooking and listening to the casual talk made me realize how much I missed this place. Then I entered the dining room and a body would have thought I came in guns blazing. Everybody stopped what they were doing and just stared in disbelief and maybe a little fear. The woman behind the bar was too young to be Rosie Cavanaugh, but she did look familiar. “London?”
She turned around and stared for a moment then a smile crept across her face.
“Logan!” She yelled as she ran around the bar to give me a hug. “Where’s Billy?”
Well, it was nice to know that I was missed. “He’s getting a spur looked at across the street.”
I followed her back to the bar where she placed a glass and a bottle in front of me. “Cap said you boys would come.”
“Where is he anyway?” I said as I poured a drink.
“He’s at your place,” she looked me in the eyes, “Logan, he’s shot up real bad. Lord knows how he’s lived this long.”
Something went cold inside of me, Cap was good with a gun, better than I was in fact, and if somebody got the drop on him it had to have been by ambush. Cap was a careful man; too careful to get into a fight when he didn’t have an edge. “When did this happen?”
“About a week ago, Rosie has been out there with him since it happened.”
“Hello London, has Angie been in yet?” A voice spoke from the entrance.
“No.” From the tone of her voice I could tell it was somebody she didn’t like. I turned around with my back to the bar and found the eyes of a killer slicing through me. He was about as tall as me six three and maybe twenty pounds heavier. He was a handsome man with a small mouth and a mite narrow around the eyes, which were the blackest I had ever seen. Yet there was something familiar about the man, I couldn’t figure out why, but I had the feeling I had met him somewhere before.
“Well, when you see her, tell her I’d like an answer soon. I’m not going to wait forever.”
“I’ll do no such thing Grant Hastings, she doesn’t want to marry you and she never will!”
He made a step forward like he was going to strike London. “I wouldn’t.”
Hastings stopped suddenly, a drink was in my left hand, but the right held the Henry. I’ve always been uncommonly strong so holding that rifle like a man would a pistol was no big thing. The barrel was pointing right at his brisket, and I could tell he didn’t like it one bit. “In these parts we don’t hit women.”
“Who are you?” He demanded.
“Just passin’ through.”
“Well, I suggest that when you finish your drink that you just keep on riding. Serenity doesn’t tolerate saddle tramps.”
“Oh, I reckon I’ll stick around a bit. I like it here.” I decided I did not like Hastings. He wore the brand of a bully, and I had never liked bullies. There’s just something about men who run roughshod over everyone else that just gets under my skin. I suddenly had the urge to drop the rifle and take a swing at the man. I fought it down…barely. Although one day I knew he and I would meet when there was no one else around to see me take him down a notch or two.
“If you stay, its good way to get lead poisoning.” His voice had a cold and calculating tone that would put a scare into any man.
Unfortunately for him, I don’t scare easy. “You know Mr. Hastings; a man could get lead poisoning just about anywhere. Like in this room, for instance.” I could tell he was thinking about it, he wanted to reach for his gun so bad he could taste it, but the Henry never wavered from his belly. “You’d never make it.”
“Yeah, why don’t you just let it be mister,” Billy was standing in the doorway behind Hastings with a contemptuous grin. “We haven’t eaten yet, and killing a man never sets well on the stomach.”
Whatever Grant was, he wasn’t a fool. He knew he was boxed and if he tried anything now one of us would kill him. “There’ll be another day.”
“There always is.” I smiled as he strode past Billy.
“I declare big brother, I can’t leave you alone for a minute!” London ran up to Billy and kissed him as he ginned over at me. “Now, that’s what I call a Homecoming!”
“Where is Angie anyway?” I asked London.
“She’s at your place with Rosie.”
I put the glass back on the bar and looked regretfully at the bottle. “We better get out of here little brother, before Hastings comes back with the law.”
“Alright.” Billy leaned down to kiss London. “I missed you.”
“And yet you never wrote me once.”
“Well I…”
“Come on Billy,” I laughed, “let’s go. You can explain it to her another time.”
London came out with us to our horses, as we saddled up she smiled. “You tell Angie I’ll be out as soon as I can finish up here.” Then she looked right at Billy. “You’ve got till then to think up a good reason for never writing me.”
“Do you think that’s enough time?” I chuckled.
“I don’t know why you think it’s so funny, Logan. It seems to me that you promised a certain girl that you would write her everyday too.” There was a smile on her face, but that look in her eyes told me that my brother wasn’t the only one that had to do some fast thinking.
We left Serenity in a cloud of dust heading home by devious routes in case Hastings had the urge to finish what was started back at Rosie’s. I filled Billy in on what I knew about Cap, adding my suspicion that Hastings was the man behind the ambush. Before going to the farm we stopped by the graves of our parents. They were placed to rest on a hill that overlooked our farm; there were fresh flowers in front of their markers, which left a warm feeling in my heart. No one in town had given us any reason to believe that we were welcome back. Over the years Billy and I had earned a reputation as ‘Bad men’, quick to fight at the drop of a hat, and more often than not, dropping it ourselves. It was nice to know that someone still respected the MacKay name despite the things my brother and I had done.
The house and barn was just as they were when we left to find the killers of our parents. Pa was a man who loved the feel of good timber in his hands and he knew how to make it work for him. He built the place to last a hundred years, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was still standing when the Rapture is upon us. My Pa had a gift in building; sometimes I wish I had inherited that instead of his natural ability with guns.
Angie was waiting on the porch when we rode into the yard. Billy chuckled as I handed him the reins and dismounted to meet her. I had to take a second look when I saw her she changed that much. Angie MacDougal was no longer the scrawny little redhead with green eyes that seemed to make my heart miss a beat every time she’d look at me. Now she had filled out into a beautiful woman, I took off my flat crowned black hat and went up to her.
“I knew you’d be coming back.” She smiled.
“Was that you who put the flowers up there?” Angie nodded and I followed her into the house. What I saw inside made my heart swell with pride for Ma. She always liked the finer things in life, although we never had enough money to buy her the throw rugs and the fancy curtains you would find back east. The windows had lace curtains and the pots and pans that hung in the kitchen looked like they were brand new. Before I could say anything to Angie, Doc Peppin stepped out of my parent’s bedroom.
“Damn it’s good to see you boy.” He smiled as we shook hands.
“How’s he doing, Doc?’ The look on his face told me the answer; his eyes revealed the worry he felt for Cap.
“Not well, Son, not well at all. Lord knows how he’s managed to live this long.” My eyes strayed to where my former commanding officer lay. “Go ahead, Logan, I’m sure he’d be glad to see you.”
Reluctantly I stepped into the room and found the shell of the man I had once ridden into the bowels Hell with. Caps face was drawn and pail; his breath coming in short ragged intervals. A weak smile crept across his lips as he motioned me closer with a weak trembling hand.
“Trooper MacKay reporting, sir!” I barked as I stood at attention.
“At ease.” He smiled.
Rosie offered me her chair as she leaned over the bed to kiss Cap on the cheek. “I’ll just leave you two alone.” Then she looked at me. “Welcome home Logan.”
I flipped the chair around so I could rest my forearms on the back and sat down. “It’s been a long time, sir.”
“Yes it has,” Cap raised his head, “where’s Billy?”
“I’m here Cap.” My brother said as he walked into the room and stood behind me.
Cap gave us the once over with the eye of a commanding officer. “You boys went through town didn’t you!”
“Well,” I grinned, “Billy and I had been riding for days and we were a might thirsty, so we decided to cut the trail dust at Rosie’s.”
“Yep.” Billy added. “The folks in town made us feel real welcome, too. Why, Logan here met some gent that was so worried he’d get lead poisoning at the Tavern that he wanted him to leave for his own safety.”
“Hastings.” Cap scowled.
“I take it you’ve ran into him.” Billy smiled innocently.
“We’ve met.” Cap said dryly.
We got the rest of the story from Cap; it took him awhile, what with his injuries and all. Come evening, I went out to the corral to think and get some fresh air. There were too many ghost in that house, I kept expecting to see Pa sitting in his rocker smoking his pipe, or to see Ma doing her knitting by the fireplace. Out here were memories too, but not near as pleasant. It was by the corral that we found Pa laying face down with a knife in his back. Whatever could be said about him, no one could ever say he wasn’t game. He still had that Hawken clutched in his hands, and I knew whoever hit our farm had some people carrying .50 lead.
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“Blacksmiths hammers” should be “blacksmiths’ hammers”
“Tavern slash rooming house” sounds better as “tavern and rooming house”
I noticed you suffer from random acts of capitalization, you may want to correct those. 2 incidents are posted above.
I think your story is interesting and your dialog flows well. Not a fan of this genre, I haven’t got much to say. I would suggest going through and proofreading it to correct your technical errors.
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You gave some nice descriptions of the people who live in serenity, but what about Logan and Billy, the two brothers? I had no clue what any looked like until Logan was sort of compared to the killer.You might want to add these little details in somewhere as we read.
“Not well, Son, not well at all. Lord knows how he’s managed to live this long.” - you used this already in the beginning when Logan finds out what happens. Perhaps the doctor can say more, like what the specific injuries are.
“smell of Rosie’s cooking” – Bring a little more life to your story by describing the smells, Is she known for making bread or a good chili or potroast? Little details like this will enhance your story and pull us into the scenery.
You got a good idea, but it needs to be strengthened. Hope these little suggestions help you.
I’m loving this so far; your speech throughout has just the right feel for the period. The only constructive criticism I can give is that I personally would like a little more description (e.g., how do you know it’s a ghost town aside from the quiet? How does the quiet “sound”?) and character development. I think you’re doing a great job—you can just take that for what it’s worth.
I really like the premise of this ongoing story. I enjoy historical pieces from any era. The end of the Civil War is a great setting to utilize with plenty of material. That said, your treatment here is well written, even though you are not really breaking new ground. Examples that I can offer from the Western genre, are Michael Blake’s ‘Dances With Wolves’, Forrest Carter’s ‘Gone to Texas’, which was adapted by Hollywood into Clint Eastwood’s ‘The Outlaw Josey Wales’. Others of their time were the movies written and directed by Sergio Leone, his use of a dark and desolate West, with characters with no souls. For this genre, I recommend that you really study the extant works out there and find something new to make The Grey Riders stand out, and thus attract more positive attention. ie: agents and publishers. Again, good writing—just find something to hook the reader and will keep you out of the dime store novels…
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