Poetry / This Alchemy
frank recall
spikes at moments
interrupts central
european sundays
between rye bread,
history books
and the sour taste
of Catholicism.
a green flood of
palm trees and
arcadian art schools
bright skirts flashing
in African sun,
laughter and song,
isiXhosa, djembe
Transkei marijuana
and the Indian Ocean.
how we complicated
our sapling consciousnesses
with hallucinogens
and existentialism
in circles on the river
in vigils at the beach
hot fast cars
over snaking
cape roads
jazz odes to heaven
sub-concious
sub-bass whirling juno
synth beneath my sexuality,
poise
and assurances
rocketing
into
the molten lake
of the Karoo
a shimmering
mirage
blazing
before God
and Time
The sun pulls high
over Poland
lighting mouse-holes
bolt-holes
shell-craters
and Western European
strain
Xenophobic tracksuits
crushing pathos
at four in the afternoon
Buses, no space, no focus
No conversation
Modernising
Amid smoke and mirrors
Descend into Szymborska
Milosz
I pull the palm fronds
of memory
Down over my bolt-hole
Feet now roots
sunk in misery
I alchemise
I grow.
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Shit man, you’ve got some energy. This is the beginning of some great stuff, I’m certain. You’ve a grasp of language that most people would kill for.
Standout lines:
“The sun pulls high / over Poland / lighting mouse-holes”
“I alchemise / / I grow”
There were few others that I thought were strong as well, but damn that first one rocked my socks off. Anyway, here are some trouble spots:
“Modernising / amid smoke and mirrors”
“Synth beneath my sexuality / poise / and assurances”
“and the sour taste / of Catholicism”
The first is weak due to the use of cliche, since I really wanted something to modify “modernising” that would let me know what you really meant by that bus-moment, but I cannot grasp how smoke and mirrors relates to a feeling of alienation on a bus.
The second is weak since it is extremely vague. What sort of sexuality? Consider inserting a scene here, a dramatic situation. Show the poise, and narrate these assurances.
The third, I’d say, is appropriate, but give us an image, not a fucked-up synaesthesia.
I’d give you more comments in person, but this is getting lengthy. Try contacting me via PM if you want more.
Good stuff. Some of the more interesting on Urbis.
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