Journal, Diary, & Blogging / My town, painted blue.

Well written , I remember doing similar things, like how many steps i can do between each line in the concrete all the way home, or can I keep walking faster and faster and see noone around me.  Kudos very descriptive and a fun read.

Its not that I don’t like this its just that I don’t frankly see the point. There are a lot of blogs out there that follow a similar train of thought that navigate their way through the detritus of modern life. What set those apart from this is that they have style. A hook that draws the reader in and holds their attention. I cannot find that spark in here, its not that you lack talent you express yourself with eloquence. Its simple that I cannot find the heart without feeling you are just expressing some form of self pity. Try looking at it from an outside perspective, would it snare your interest. At the end of the day it doesn’t even matter if something is badly written its about believing, finding the truth of something otherwise understated.

I liked the start. Quite atmospheric. ‘Nonchalantly’ and ‘blue ink’ are nice, fresh, non cliched way of describing something that could easily sound cliched.
‘The streetlights…’ – kind of nice but felt like it was trying harder than the earlier sentence.

I like the idea of a short piece about games we play with our self. Quite cute and we all do it. The Transition from the atmosphere outside to game was quite nice, but I had to re-read the second paragraph to realise it was a real game – at first I assumed it was a metaphor since the first paragraph was quite poetic. I think more of a dramatic change of tone at the start of paragraph two would help that.

I liked ‘reset the game’ – felt like I was suddenly inside a computer game and suddenly I got the point of the piece.

I liked extra points to get close enough to feel the air etc. Nice detail.

I think where you start describing your surroundings again is nice but would work even better if it was more of a dramatic transition from game into atmospheric. I don’t know what would help, it just feels slightly forced at the moment but I think you could make that work for you. I didn’t like ‘tableau of tranquil river…’ particularly when earlier imagery had been a lot bolder and fresher than this.

Silence of an empty house is nice. Again, perhaps the dramatic transition from your own inner world would make it work better.

I like the sort of palette of different paces and atmospheres and think it would be really nice if they were distinguished more clearly from each other.

In general really nice. It’s hard to write about inner worlds or landscapes without sounding self indulgent or cliched and you mostly manage that pretty well.

Good entry, and very descriptive.  I did get hung up when you “stopped” on the bridge to enjoy the tableau of tranquil river, etc.  So did you really win the game of “stop at nothing”?  It sounds as if you contradict yourself and the point of the game.  Once my children get old enough to “keep up” I will have to play the “stop at nothing” game myself.  Sounds interesting.

A good, descriptive writing, but ultimately a mixed metaphor. You start off with a lead paragraph that conforms with your titular premise, although the “blare” of the light is an audible analogy mixed with the visual of the diffused and smothering blues…but then you go on to extend the audio imagery with the music.

The simplest solution is to rename your piece to something giving homage to the audio imagery and re-write the blues sentences from color imagery into a wordplay of music instead.

Keep Writing!

i like your creative footfall games, the names they have, and the way you describe them.

i know it’s not much the point of your writing, but it leaves me with questions. home to station. train station? from where? big town? little? why inky blue? is it ever fiery? didn’t you lose your ‘stop for nothing’ game when you stopped on the bridge? am i hung up on details, much like preferring a plural math over maths?

your writing is tasty, with very pretty details. thanks!

A really lovely, interesting piece, even if it is a journal entry.  I think with a bit of adjustment and revision this could be a wonderful “vignette piece” in that it is a hybrid of poetry & prose.

Perhaps only mention the “blue ink” of the sky once and maybe move on to another inky term, just for variety’s sake.  It’s a lovely illustration but it would be lovlier a bit switched up.

The line about air hurrying onto the shin bit was brilliant, and i also loved the bit about it being all maths, wonderful.

Lovely ending as well.  It is clear you have a real knack for description, though I wonder if it would be useful to describe the sounds of the songs rather than just naming their titles, this way people ignorant to such artists/songs as myself can still experience the intended aural aspect of the piece.

First, a couple of minor corrections.

In your second paragraph, you say
“decide to play favourite game”.  You should insert “a” or “my” between play and favourite.

Next, in this line here…
“It’s all maths really”, you should delete the “s” from maths.

I like this piece.  My favorite times at sundown are the ones where the sky goes blue.  I was able to see perfectly what you were describing.  Good job.

The idea is to never stop moving until you get where you’re going.
-Gotta love big city pedestrians ;-)

I love your imagery in that paragraph and you explain the “game” very well.  Big city dwellers can definitely relate.

In fact I love your imagery throughout the entire story.  I love the idea behind your story, just an ordinary day, an ordinary walk home, but all of the little things that pass through our minds as simple people trying to get where we need to go.

I enjoyed this diary I’ve played this game myself and often wonder when when walking down the street if anyone else was playing obviously we are in a universal game. The color blue in the poem speaks elequently you can literally see it. Good call.