Poetry / Another bad idea

This is a fun read, with some humourous and well-depicted imagery.
I think in the fourth line you need to slow it down with some punctuation, make the reader “savor” too.
e.g. “sweet…intoxicating…i savor”.
The repetition of “savor” does kind of work, but it could increase appreciation of your poem, if you try to find an alternative, another way to provide the same sensation (if you considered this, i’d suggest changing the first “savor”, as the second one shares assimilation with “thoughts”,
“spit”, “lace”, “lips”).
Does candy “shuffle” – are there any other ways of describing the thoughts, to increase the sugary impression that you’ve created?
I like this. Good luck with it, and thanks for posting.

• add/view comments (2)

April 10, 2007

by beysshoes

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
241	90.2% (61 votes)	35.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
49	F	Mountain View, HI	September 12

I thought “simmering” might do the trick. Sarai

April 11, 2007

by Raef

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
254	89.3% (56 votes)	54.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	United Kingdom	January 24

Yeah, simmering could work; it’s pretty sensuous and should further clarify the analogy.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I think these words create a mental picture and they make me think, which is what I believe all good poetry should do.  I am not an expert, but I know what I, personally, like and I think it is good.

Just one note: Did you mean for the word in the last line to be “of” or “off”... as in… “lick the sweet idea OFF (of) my chin”?

Keep writing!

This should be a poem.  It is certainly poetic prose.  The first line needs something other than “bad” attached to your idea.  That is, unless it is meant in some colloquial dialect.  As the rest of the piece clearly negates the concept being a bad one.

I stumbled across a single word I’d alter:  

sweet(LY) intoxicating, I savor
them on the tongue of my mind.

Splendid metaphor; I’d love to see your gifts embrace some issue or event.  

• add/view comments (2)

March 15, 2007

by Raef

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
254	89.3% (56 votes)	54.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	United Kingdom	January 24

A small tip that just occurred to me:
“cloying” is one of the negative ways of describing something sweet e.g. candy that you’re not very keen on because it’s too sweet.
Don’t think it’s strong enough to substitute for “bad” though.

April 10, 2007

by beysshoes

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
241	90.2% (61 votes)	35.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
49	F	Mountain View, HI	September 12

“simmering” instead of “shuffling” on the leading line?  I like the “cloying” Raef. Sarai

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Love the title, love the concept, the execution was probably just ok.  This part made less sense to me: “I spit them out.
Lace my lips up
bite off the end, tie a knot
lick the sweet idea of my chin.”  The first part was strong and I understand the idea of savoring a bad idea, then the first line of the last part is sharing bad ideas, but the big finale doesn’t appear to actually have a meaning to me.  Maybe I am just old.  :-)

The poem is good. It flows and it works. But, well, what? I mean huh? WQhat are you talking about? What is this think like candy?

Add a line of cl;arification or this won’t mean much to the reader.

Yeah, I liked this. Really liked `tongue of my mind’. Thought more of a poem than short story. You use `savor’ twice – maybe look for another word. Also occurred to me – traditional phrase re idea `I’ll chew it over’ `chewing thoughts over’

This is funny. In the last line I think you meant to put off instead of the word of!!