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Children's / Beatrice Bigglesbee
Beatrice Bigglesbee scrunched up her nose,
And said, “This broccoli smells like dad’s toes.
This meatloaf is dry, there’s no jam for my bread.”
And whined and complained ‘til mom sent her to bed.
Beatrice was shocked! How dare they get mad?
It wasn’t her fault that it tasted so bad!
‘Making me starve to death doesn’t seem fair!’
She thought as she carefully brushed out her hair.
Then Mom came up first, and was followed by Dad,
She got bedtime kisses as she always had.
And goodnight hugs too, but she wouldn’t hug back!
And give in to their horrible hugging attack.
She wouldn’t kiss them,
She stuck up her nose,
And she kept her arms crossed ‘til her bedroom door closed.
As Beatrice laid in the dark, in her bed,
Thoughts came to little Miss Bigglesbee’s head:
“Maybe these aren’t my parents at all!
What if they snatched me when I was still small?
From my REAL mom and dad, who are probably fair,
And if I hated dinner they wouldn’t care!
I could be a gypsy, or princess, or queen,
With the wealthiest mom and dad I’ve ever seen!”
Then she got sleepy, and had just closed her eyes,
When a tinkling noise caught her ears by surprise.
She sat up in bed, and looked all around,
But the source of the tinkling couldn’t be found.
But then wait! What was that? Had she heard it once more?
Then she saw a strange light under her closet door.
Beatrice opened her eyes very wide,
And creeped ‘cross the floor to see what was inside.
She grasped the doorknob, she opened the door,
But her closet was not there for her explore.
There were no dresses, not her shoes, not her coats,
There were fields and unicorns and castles with moats.
As she went inside where her closet should be,
The door closed behind her and all she could see
Were meadows of flowers and bridges and streams,
And all of it brightened by happy sunbeams.
Then came a new sound that Beatrice heard,
And it wasn’t a dragon, a drum or a bird.
She heard lots of clapping and shouting and cheers,
So Beatrice ran as she followed her ears,
As she came to the top of a hill, looking down,
All the people fell quiet and bowed to the ground!
“Its Princess Beatrice!” They said, to her joy.
“She has come back!” said each bowed girl and boy.
They ushered her in to her castle to see
The King and Queen waiting for her patiently.
“Welcome, dear daughter,” said the beautiful Queen,
“Come and see me as soon as your clothes are all clean.”
“What?” asked poor Beatrice. She was confounded.
If they had missed her, that’s not how it sounded.
“You can’t wear those clothes. You’re a Princess, you see.”
Said the King, while the Queen nodded emphatically.
“You must bathe in rose water and wear lovely dresses!
You mustn’t get dirty, you mustn’t make messes.”
“That’s right,” said the Queen, “And those pigtails must go.
A crown just won’t fit with your hair done up so.”
“One more thing,” said the King, “When we sit down to eat,
You mustn’t get out of your tall, golden seat.”
“That’s true,” said the Queen, “and lest our memories slip,
Remember that when you eat your soup, you can’t sip.
Don’t use your fingers and don’t swing your feet,
And curtsy to all of the grown ups you meet.”
“Alright,” said Beatrice, “I guess that’s all fine.
So, what do Princesses eat when they dine?”
“Es Cargo!” said the king, “and rare animal tails.”
“What’s Es Cargo?” she asked him.
“Why, silly, its snails!”
“Snails?!” shouted Beatrice. “What will I do?
Can I please just go to my room if we’re through?”
The King and Queen nodded, but they didn’t stand.
A maid came and led Beatrice by the hand.
The bed had ten mattresses and towered so high,
She had to climb ladders to get up to lie.
Her jammies were scratchy (from all of the gold),
And nobody hugged her, no stories were told.
And then in the morning, ten people woke her.
The combed and they washed and they squeezed and they poked her.
Beatrice ate breakfast in her hot, stuffy gown,
But she barely swallowed a single bite down.
Frog elbows stewed with an elephant’s nose,
Crispy fried eel with orangutan toes.
She tried to play, but she couldn’t have fun,
The maids cried, “But you might fall down if you run!
And wrinkle your dress, or knock off your crown,
And be dirty when King and Queen come back to town.”
“No, no, no,” said the maids, “That simply won’t do.
You’ll just have to sit still until the day’s through.”
So Beatrice sat, and Beatrice cried,
And Beatrice felt really crummy inside.
“I bet right now,“ the poor Princess thought,
“Mom and Dad miss me. I miss them a lot.”
So when Beatrice Bigglesby thought no one would see,
She snuck out the back door and straight toward the trees.
She ran through the forest, “Oh, I must find my door,
And get back to the parents that I had before!”
From the woods she could hear the voices that cried,
“Princess! Oh Princess, please come back inside!”
But Beatrice ran, as fast as she could,
Up hill and down hill and all through the wood,
Then Beatrice fell in a hole, and kept falling.
Until she could not hear the searchers keep calling.
When she had been falling an hour or more,
Beatrice gave up on finding the floor.
Then she stopped with a jolt, and opened her eyes,
And what Beatrice saw was a mighty surprise.
No forests or dungeons or holes, but instead,
She was back in her room, with four walls and a bed.
The bedroom door opened, and she heard her mom say,
“Beatrice, is everything going okay?
I thought you had nightmares or fell out of bed.”
Beatrice stared at her mother and said,
“I’m sorry about what I said while we ate.
I love your broccoli. You’re cooking is great.
And I love my dad, and my bed and this house,
And I’d love you if dinner was stewed cabbage and mouse.”
“Oh Beatrice, that’s such a sweet thing to say.
I love you too, every night, every day.”
She closed the door with a gentle goodbye,
And Beatrice curled up, and thought with a sigh,
“I may be punished and sent off to bed,
But at least I get hugged and get kissed, and I’m fed,
And as much as I love them, they both love me, too.”
She yawned as the heaviness of her eyelids grew,
And she went to sleep, and she smiled as she did.
Beatrice knew she was one lucky kid.
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karrina reviewed Version 1 -
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sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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katehulme reviewed Version 2 -
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I scored you slightly lower for being published than overall, simply because I don’t think it’s quite ready as it stands. I do think you’ll get there though, and I don’t say that lightly!
The subject is perfect and Beatrice’s personality is very well drawn and convincing. The contrast between home and the place she visits is a classic children’s topic but done beautifully I thought. It deals with the usual children’s anxieties with charm and humour. It was also beautifully visual and bright – I got a real sense of how it looked.
The language is great. Sometimes you really get into the flow of it and it’s funny and fresh. e.g. the es cargo, etc.
The stanza that starts ‘her jammies were scratchy’ is great. Really nice language and rhythm and emotionally convincing.
This is a really hard style of writing because the rhythm has to be perfect and the writing has to feel childlike but also fun for adults to read. You do really well with most of it but as it sounds like you’re aware there are places where the rhythm isn’t there yet.
E.gs of where I thought it wasn’t right:
‘And said, “This broccoli smells like dad’s toes.’ – i think there’s two extra beats
‘She got bedtime kisses as she always had.’ - i think it needed an extra beat here
“Maybe these aren’t my parents at all! ’- I don’t think it’s the number of beats here that’s the problem but where the emphasis falls. ‘parents’ falls short as you have to pause at ‘as’ for it to sound right.
‘And if I hated dinner they wouldn’t care!’ – again, the emphasis falls in the wrong place and ‘hated dinner’ feels like two beats too many.
‘Then she saw a strange light under her closet door.’ - too many beats? (‘then saw a strange light under her door’ would work better but of course you need to know its the closet)
Where the rhythm is perfect – ‘there were no dresses…’ and ’”welcome dear daughter…’. Lovely.
“What?” asked poor beatrice’ – perfect. Lovely rhythm and meaning and use of language.
‘washed and squeezed and poked…’ – really nice language and rhythm again.
Really great. It’s a hard job ironing out the rhythm problems (I didn’t put them all in, just the most jarring ones) but I really think it will be worth it.
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RemmickDF reviewed Version 2 -
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I love this. I like to rhyme as well. See my suggestions below.
And if I hated dinner they wouldn’t care!
How about:
And if I hated dinner they never would care!
With the wealthiest mom and dad I’ve ever seen!”
How about
With the wealthiest parents that have ever been seen!”
Then she saw a strange light under her closet door.
How about
Then from the closet there came a light from under her door.
I would just cut this couplet.
Beatrice opened her eyes very wide,
And creeped ‘cross the floor to see what was inside.
Change the next line to
She went to the doorknob, she opened the door,
How about
“Its Princess Beatrice!” They shouted with joy.
“She has come back!” said each bowed girl and boy.
Cut “and” from the line
And then in the morning, ten people woke her.
The combed and they washed and they squeezed and they poked her.
Typo
Should be “They”
I would try to shorten this to
And as she dressed they squeezed and they poked her.
But she barely swallowed a single bite down.
how about
But she could barely swallow a bite of it down.
The next couplet is excellent.
Until she could not hear the searchers keep calling.
How about
Till she could not hear for whom the searchers were calling.
She yawned as the heaviness of her eyelids grew,
how about
She yawned and her eyelids heavily grew,
Finally how about
Then she went to sleep, and she smiled as she did,
Because Beatrice knew she was one lucky kid.
Overall this is excellent. A great story, the pictures will be the key to getting this published. Do you have an artist? My mother in law is a published watercolor artist I could show it to her if you like?
Either way good luck and thank you for a pleasurable read.
easywriter57 reviewed Version 2 -
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The meter is off but the content is excellent. If you could do a count on the syllables for each line in the rhyme and maybe alter the long ones or add to the short ones it would be easier to read. This has a great moral to the story. Either, “the grass isn’t always greener”, “there is no place like home” or “be careful what you wish for”.
splitmam reviewed Version 2 -
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Even though this has elements of “The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe” and “Alice in Wonderland”, it is a very good story. The story line if good and age appropriate.
There are a few stanzas that are less smooth than others. I think this is mostly due to the syllable count varying within the stanza. For instance, the stanze about Beatrice laying in her bed, the syllables are 11, 10, 9, 10, 12, 11, 11, 12.I don’t think it’s necessary to have the same number of syllables for every line in every stanza, but it helps if they are consistent within a single stanza.
pinestategal reviewed Version 2 -
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What an excellent children’s tale. The only thing that I noticed were a couple of placed where it didn’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the piece. For example the line, A maid came and led Beatrice by the hand. Just doesn’t seem to flow as well as the rest. Though I’m not sure how you might change it. I actually couldn’t think of anything better so I guess you know best. Keep Writing and Great Story
slenderpanther reviewed Version 2 -
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i loved it, it reminds me of the Shel Silverstien poems i read as a kid… Keep it up!
EM reviewed Version 2 -
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This is fantastic story.
I did notice you tend to write using a comma before an “and” or “but”. This comma is redundant because you already have a conjunction in place. Consider removing it to help with the flow of the work.
My only suggestions are to help keep the rhythm going.
In L34, I would write:
There were no dresses, no shoes, and no coats.
There were fields, unicorns and castles with moats.
L46 should be It’s not Its
Also L74 try:
A maid appeared and took Beatrice’s hand
The last four lines may also flow better as:
“And as much they love me, I love them too,
She yawned as the heaviness of her eyelids grew,
She fell asleep, smiling as she did.
For Beatrice knew she was one lucky kid.
ALSO: Es Cargo should also be spelt escargot
Good luck and it was a great read.
tritim07 reviewed Version 2 -
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I think that this story is absolutely precious! When I read children stories on here, I mostly think to myself, “Would I read this to my children?” The answer to this one is a definite YES. However, it is quite lengthy, and MY children are particularly antsy. They’re young yet. I can see this book being read to a group of Kindergartners or First graders. Please keep writing children’s stories, because I have so enjoyed reading them. You have a true talent as far as this goes. Keep up the Outstanding work. You are the only perfect score I’ve given.
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