I’m so glad you picked up on the downbeat writing style. The idea was to give a miserable, slow feel to express his mind set. Hopefully “Hello sexy” is his turning point. If there was another scene, there would be the sound of violins and bed-springs in every word!
Short Story / The comb over is over, Rover
Cecil looked in the mirror, he had scissors in his hand. His eyes moved from the bush of hair on one side of his head to the bush of hair on the other, then he looked up at the 42 or so strands that bridged the two, above the other wise hairless and shining dome above his brain.
He sighed and as if he were a farmer, eyeing old Shep, lying there, not as young as he use to be, he thought it was time, to put him down.
He lifted the scissors , his chubby middle aged face and his resigned empty eyes reflecting in the blades as he bought them up to meet the top of his head.
They turned slowly toward old Shep, old Shep who had been so good to him, but had become such a worry. Once he had provided such companion ship such comfort, even warmth and in a world that could be so unfeeling, so insensitive, Shep was there in the lean times, to say, ” You’re still young, you still have hair framing your face!”
But now Shep, tired and thin, had grown used to being stared at. People on the tube, people on the street, people at work. “He should put the poor thing out of it’s misery!”, “It’s not fair to keep it alive!”
The blades met the hair, sliced through in one easy snip and he watched the strap like wisp of all hope lost, fall gently into the washbasin. He then picked it up, this now dead, lifeless detached thing, as if he were picking up a rat, fingertips, arms length, by the tail and flushed it down the toilet.
He wasn’t one for saying much, instead he looked at himself and smiled, a brave sideways kind of smile, a “You have to smile, don’t you,” Kind of a smile whilst at the same time considering the fact that he had just flushed his youth down the loo.
The spinning waters having subsided and the cistern trickling in refill mode, he glanced back to the mirror, looking at his long thick eyebrow hair, the hair sticking out of his nose like the legs of a spider patiently waiting for a fly, his head hair, following around the back of his head like a caterpillar in an angora boob tube..
Downstairs, in the lounge, Marge peered over the top of her book, ” 101 useful cleaning tips” at Rover their apathetic German Sheppard.
His ears were twitching slightly as he slept and he began a slight woofing. Just enough to blow his lips out and back on the left of his mouth, leaving his top lip tucked under his bottom one each time. Was he dreaming? Marge went to the trouble of becoming alert for a moment, pricking her ears up listening out for any audible stimulus that may have set rover off, but she heard nothing and gave the back of her sleeping dogs head one of her derisory looks as she sank back behind her book to continue her contemplation of how many jobs there were still to do around the house, how many stains there were that she could now remove with a newly discovered mix of orange juice and tonic water.
Rover meanwhile was picking up something, a faint buzz. This his dreaming mind converted to a mechanical bone, leaping around and escaping his jaws each time he snapped for it. Finally however he caught it and as he did so, the buzzing stopped causing him to quiz himself over whether or not he had killed it. But a door opened in it and, a door that sounded like the , like the lounge door. He awoke and opened his blurred eyes to see a stranger in the door way. A stranger with neatly trimmed eye brows and a head almost devoid of hair except for a 2 millimetre velvet like texture that ran around the back of his head.
Marge peered once again over the top of her book Wondering what anti climax would greet her now as she investigated what had caused rover to sneeze (the way he did when he was nervous).Through her slitty and cynical eyes. Cecil looked at Rover who had decided to snarl, ineffectually. Were it not for the fact that he was an unusually dull dog, he would have managed to achieved a slightly more coiled spring effect than he did whilst intimidating the stranger for the sake of the family and his pride as defender.
“Hello boy”
Rover’s head tilted to one side then the other, it was his master. His tail wagged, once, from left to right coming to rest with an air of permanence that made it clear Rovers excited state was at an end. His chin then came to rest once more upon the carpet, now worn thin on that spot by years of manoeuvres of precisely that kind.
Cecil sighed, what was the point? His eyes moved from Rover, now sleeping once more, to Marge who was, having glanced at him briefly, behind her book once more.
He stood awkwardly, waiting, imagining a world where he was noticed, reflecting on a world where had he been young, people would have been interested in his new look. Then he compared his absurd vision with real life, sighed, inwardly, so as not to offend make a fuss or “start anything”, and gazed around redundantly finding a book “ Men are from mars, women are from Venus.” He picked it up, raising one of his newly trimmed eyebrows in disdain as he examined the cover more closely and slumped down in the sofa, noting as he did, that his belly and his man boobs took longer to become still than the rest of him.
Now Marge was behind her book and he was behind his, in silence, a silence that, after some minutes was finally broken by Marge;
“Well,” she said, from behind her book.
“Hello sexy!”
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lluuiiissaa reviewed Version 2 -
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your opening description of the balding mans head was very precise and did a great job of illustrating your character. loved the way you used ol shep as a symbol of the mans hair and youth. grammatical errors: (when it says between blah and blah or just two words, it means the comma between those words should be removed.)
use should be used at beginning.
between dome and above
replace ;’s in shep; that poor old dog; with commas
between heart and that
“he knew in his heart that the day he had to put him down would come; did it have to be so soon?” (thats what it should be)
between “eyes” and “in”
bought should be brought.
between “hair” and “Framing”
between “begun” and “to”
between easy and snip
tween wisp and of
it and down
don’t you. should be don’t you?
trickling and in
nose and like
sideways and kind
caterpillar and in
downstairs and in
Sheppard. His
back and on
book and to (remove ;)
how many stains she could now remove with a newly discovered
buzz and upstairs
sound and of
ceased. Had he
unconfirmed. He
door and creaking
stranger and in
velvet-like
still and tucked or take out the which
nervous, and marge
sigh and investigate
heads and tilted
side as
intruder. It
left and to
before he apathetically rested his chin upon the carpet
spot and by
cecil and briefly
sighed. What
sighed and inwardly and so
use of offend, make a fuss or start something are all synonyms, one is good enough.
book:
down and in
still and than
were:
cecil and behind
some minutes could be a few minutes or some time.
broken and by
you use commas way too often and that makes the reading very choppy. overall though, the idea of the story is there and you have great descriptions. the ending was cute. it gave us hope that all was not lost for cecil. i think if you fix your grammar errors this would make for a better read
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BrianA reviewed Version 2 -
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This was a really good, funny, slice of real life. The comparison of the comb -over to a farmer’s dog was exquisite. The pace and the deliberations in the ordinary subdued household was well done. Rover was well drawn as the indolent family dog and so was the implacable Marge.
`like the legs…a fly’ – great simile as was the `caterpillar’ among many good descriptions.
Some picks:
`...use(d)to be.’
There are quite a few places where there were too many commas eg `...eyes(,)in the blades..’ `...begun(,) to stare…’ `...one(,)easy(,)snip,...’ – need one after `snip’ `...remove(,)with…’ . And some sentences might be broken up. A few capitalisation issues. `...; a snarl..’.
`full-figured’
I really enjoyed reading this – it was down to earth and sparkled with simple humanity. You write really well. Well done and good luck with it.
alecthegreat reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this story. A lot. It’s playful, yet well written. You have some strong images and descriptions in this piece.
I do, however, question the paragraph that begins “The commotion of the flush…”
That paragraph is really just one long run on sentence, and I feel that you could break it up a bit.
Overall, good job.
Nosnibor reviewed Version 2 -
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Funny and sad at the same time, this is a touching piece. There’s nothing dramatic about the style, and in the context of this piece, it works rather well, reflecting the downbeat, mundane events being narrated. The ending makes for a nice touch.
Dannyboi27 reviewed Version 2 -
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Hello. Nice descriptive writing to start.
Otherwise is one word.
Sentence repitition – Don’t start too many sentences with “He”. It distracts the reader. Jumble ‘em up a bit.
People BEGAN to stare. I don’t like the clauses either. Don’t use semi-colons so often. You can just as easily get away with a full-stop; which also makes it easier for the reader.
It’s German Shepherd. And “barking” would be better than “woofing.”
half hearted snarl; A snarl too …
Again, use a dash between half-hearted, and why are you using a semi-colon and a capital?
Love the ending. Apart from the obvious grammatical errors, it’s quite an endearing little tale.
There is really no point in attempting to be clever with grammar when an easier path is already available. Some of the best-selling writers in the world despise semi-colon’s.
I’ll give you an 8. I liked it.
bamboo reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the story for the most part. But you have a few sections where you write really really really LONG sentences. For example, “Downstairs, in the lounge, Cecil’s wife, Marge, peered over the top of her book-“101 useful cleaning tips”-at Rover, their apathetic German Sheppard, his ears were twitching slightly as he slept and he was woofing, almost inaudibly, just enough to blow his lips out then back, on one side of his mouth, leaving his top lip tucked under his bottom one each time.”
This really should be edited down.
“Downstairs, in the lounge, Cecil’s wife, Marge, peered over top of her book – “101 Useful Cleaning Tips,” at Rover. Their apathetic German Shepard’s ears were twitching slightly as he slept. He woofed, almost inaudibly, just enough to …” You get the idea.
hypatia reviewed Version 2 -
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I am glad his wife acknowledged him.
I can’t decide how I feel, on the one hand I could tell it was good and well-written, on the downside a bit depressing. One man’s introspection of his lost youth and hair. Begs the question was youth wasted on him? I mean did he have a good youth?
I got confused about the sheep dog, people wanting it to be put down. Was there a sheep dog, or did he mean himself? I hope there was a dog?
easywriter57 reviewed Version 2 -
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You have a few grammar things like lack of apostrophes in possessive nouns but other than that, this is a really great read. It shows how vanity has taken humanity and placed us in a position that we have to hang on to our youth till the last hair falls but in this, your character has taken control of this idea and controlled the situation. You compare the hair to a dog story and then, insert the family dog into the story which makes it realistic and funny. I like the humor and the last line is great.
NeoDaDevil reviewed Version 2 -
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hmmm…..i guess the words interesting would really be the first ones to come to my mind…..really vivid description.
Joon reviewed Version 2 -
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We all love the comma. The comma is a gentle mistress when life is hurried by that lover that is simply an absence of punctuation, or ground to a halt by the overbearing wife mrs. period. But you and comma are having a love affair that many could consider obsessive, and unhealthy. Here are a few places where maybe comma could have stayed at home for the night, or just watched a movie with a girlfriend:
“shining dome, above his brain”
“just, lying there”
“in his heart, that the day”
“did it have to be, so soon”
“resigned empty eyes, in the blades”
“Shep had been there, in the lean times”
the list could go on and on, but let’s stop there and simply say: read this out loud. If you can’t stop for a good 10 seconds everywhere you’ve put a comma without sounding obscene, slice and dice my friend, slice and dice.
Your semi-colon usage, on the other hand, is just plain cooky. A semi-colon should separate what could be two complete sentences (but maybe shouldn’t because they are too fragmented alone). Some places your semi-colons should be replaced by hyphens, such as: “old faithful Shep; that poor old dog; just” or simply your gal comma, such as: “picking up a rat; with his fingertips”
The story itself is funny and your metaphors are strong. Consider having a friend read it over and tell you all the places where the comma simply doesn’t belong in your life before your sentences begin to call out, “I need my space! I’m being suffocated! I don’t even know who I am anymore!”
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