Poetry / Pilgrimage

She used to spend all summer
in Carrollton with her aunt
Mary Davis, when she was six
and seven and younger,
twenty some years after
Uncle Chibby passed away.
They walked whenever
they wanted to go someplace
because Aunt Mary couldn’t drive,
never bothered to get a license.

They walked to the five and ten,
walked down to Isaly’s
for chipped-chopped ham sandwiches,
walked up to the Super Duper
and stopped at Betty Kaye Bakery
on the way back home.
In the afternoon, when it was hot
out, Aunt Mary got the rainbow cones
out of the metal cupboard
in the kitchen and dipped up
three scoops of neapolitan each,
homemade. After, they’d walk
up the street, past the tin shop,
past the cemetery, past the dog
house that never had a dog,
and Aunt Mary would push her
on the merry-go-round,
push her on the swing set,
watch her slide down the slide
that looked like a giraffe.
And they’d drink from the fountain
where the water tasted metal
before they walked back home
the way they’d come.
In the evening, they’d sit
on the porch swing and see
what happened across the street
at the courthouse.

She stopped spending summers
in Carrollton when she was sixteen,
seventeen and older,
Aunt Mary went to the home,
just her and her Alzheimer’s.
She went to visit once,
visit Aunt Mary in a rocking chair,
Aunt Mary in the nursing home
didn’t recognize her.

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Reviews

March 29, 2007

fiddybinkin

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
39	66.7% (9 votes)	23.1%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
39	F	West Sacramento, CA	January 03

fiddybinkin reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is an amazing poem. I was completely engaged from beginning to end. I’m only adding the following because you specifically asked for it – I think this piece is wonderful just as it is. Now…

Things that can be eliminated:

‘When she was six and seven and younger’ – I don’t think it adds to the piece

‘never bothered to get a license’ – just seems a bit redundant

‘In the afternoon when it was hot out’ – I would eliminate the word ‘out’ because it appears again in the next line

The part that begins ‘In the evening…’ seems like it doesn’t go with the material right before it and might work better as the beginning of a new stanza

That’s it. You are a fantastic writer and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.